These last few days I feel like I’ve been losing all hope. I’m constantly on the verge of tears, the pain in my heart is too much. I haven’t hurt this much since the day I flew home from the HeartSupport Gala - and that was some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
The thoughts that no one cares are plaguing my mind every minute I’m awake, to the point that whenever I’m talking to people, I can physically feel the disappointment in the interaction, even with the people I know don’t ever feel that way about me. I’ve changed nothing about who I talk to, yet I still feel the most alone I’ve ever felt.
I’ve been praying everyday, but the fear that I’m not being heard is growing stronger, I keep trying to fight it, and for some moments I can get that peace, but, the thoughts soon comes back. I’m aware you’re going to tell me that I’m never actually alone, I mean, a relationship with God is something that is always there, no matter what, but, right now it feels as though I’m in this fight on my own. I’ve been doing some of the truth writing that I’ve been advised to do, but, even when I’m doing that, I just question everything I’m writing… Nothing seems to be helping right now, I don’t know what more to do. I’m eating, sleeping, I’ve cut back on caffeine, I’m talking to my therapist and sponsor… Home life isn’t that bad at the moment because we’re trying to keep a civil environment for our dog during his last few months of life… I don’t understand where I’m going wrong. I just need this pain to stop, but nothing I do seems to work… I’d even take numbness over this heartache I’m feeling right now. The only time I seem to ever get even a little peace is when I’m helping other people or dealing with a responsibilty that’s been given to me…
Should I just give up now? Am I missing something? These are the constant questionsin my mind, and I just don’t know how much longer I can go on.
Update less than 6 hours later: I relapsed in self harm after a month of clean time, needing to numb out and just not feel this pain anymore. It didn’t help so I’m running out of ideas.
Kayla
@Kayla we are here for you. Try to remember that its always darkest before dawn. You can do this. We believe in you.
Hey Kayla,
I’m sorry you are hurting so much right now. I know it’s hard to want to keep fighting when everything you are doing feels like it isn’t working, but I can promise you that giving up is not the answer. You are putting so much work and effort into helping yourself and I truly believe that will pay off. It may not seem like it now, and it may take a while, but I know that it won’t be for nothing. I would encourage you to keep talking with God, keep talking with your therapist, keep talking with us and keep doing your writings you mentioned. Don’t let the feelings you are experiencing stay bottled up inside. I also want to say that although you relapsed in self-harm, you can get back to being a month clean and then some! You are so strong and I know you can keep fighting. I am thinking of you and praying for you my friend.
Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes