Why am I me? Why am I still alive?

[Hawthorne]

Staff Edit from @NateTriesAgain:

You’re not crazy if you feel like you want to die. If you landed here from Google, I want you to know you’re not alone, and there is hope. If you’re in immediate danger, go to our Crisis Resources page. Otherwise, you can also take this self-assessment to find next steps:

—> HELPFUL NEXT STEPS <—

Hold fast. We believe in you.

---

I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’m not presently suicidal and right now I feel ok. But I often wake up disappointed I didn’t die in my sleep and three days ago I was sobbing because I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I just don’t see any reason to be alive.

I spent ten years serving in church, truly seeking to serve God. I wasn’t looking for praise or even good feelings, I just wanted to serve. At the end I was so emotionally and spiritually drained I left church and didn’t go back for years.

I tried dating for 6 or 7 years. With online dating thousands of women passed by my profile without a second glance based on nothing more than my face. I met two women who I actually connected and fell in love with. Both waited until after I’d told them I loved them that they were still married. I forgave them and gave them a chance. The first decided to reconcile with her husband but called me a selfish monster for not being there as her emotional boyfriend. The second did leave her husband but told me after I bought us a house that she didn’t feel anything for me anymore, didn’t want the relationship anymore and was staying out of state. She called me a lazy, uncommitted child for not getting rid of the house and chasing after her so I could win her back. My parents have told me the best shot I have of not dying alone is a green card marriage with a stranger.

I have things that I enjoy but no real passions. I generally feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t feel like I have anything really to contribute or connect to with other people. I have friends and family but for the most part I feel like they are still around out of habit or obligation.

I’m often praised for being kind, smiling, and consistent. But that is almost always followed with the things that I need to change: I’m too fat, wrong job, wrong house, too shy, not outgoing enough, not social enough, too nice. I’m never perfect or desirable just as I am.

I’m not suicidal at the moment but part of me wants my life to fall apart so much that the next time I put a loaded gun to my head and pull the trigger, I don’t first ask God to prove He wants me alive. I don’t see the point of why I am still here. It just feels like it’s all a sad joke.

[Kayla]

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, just because you haven’t found someone yet doesn’t mean you won’t. It sucks when our blood families don’t support us and just put us down all the time, I understand, I live in a toxic household.
Keep reaching out like this, you’re doing everything right.
I’m sorry I can’t be of more help but I hope seeing people taking the time reply helps you even a little.

Hold Fast
Kayla

[NateTriesAgain]

Man, when everything you want feels like it’s beyond your reach…to feel all your efforts have been buried with time…only to bury you under the weight of failed initiatives…to feel like the people you’ve tried to connect with at church or online have only left you back where you were at the beginning – alone and feeling unwanted…to feel like your family mocks your struggles, like they don’t believe in your happiness like you wish they would…it feels like hope has been draining from your life for a long time, and now it feels like there’s nothing left for you. You’ve tried for it all, and you come back with nothing. You don’t know how much longer you can take waking up and being disappointed with the life you wake up to. Something’s got to give way, and if something doesn’t, you might.

I remember similar thoughts passing through my mind too man. Feeling like life is groundhog’s day, like you’re stuck in this consistent cycle of trying for happiness, crashing in depression. It feels like at some point, you learn to be helpless…and you stop trying…and all that’s left is being at the bottom, on the outside, looking up and in, wishing you could be like “them” --all of the normal, happy people in life. But yet you’re here…feeling like you’re shouting only to realize you have no voice…man, it’s brutal. I, too, asked the question, “What’s the point of my life?” and struggled to answer.

But your instincts are right – God will prove He wants you alive. He believes in your happiness, in your hope. He promised to come to give you life and life to the full. And even though it feels like you’re in the depths of darkness, He’s leading you to the light. Hope isn’t extinguished for you. You are not alone in what you’re facing – I can attest to that personally – and others before you have found a way through as well. When you keep moving, He will help you find your way. He’s guiding you along the right paths for His name’s sake, and one day you’ll find yourself on the other side of the valley of the shadow of death and realize you can trust your shepherd and you have more strength than you thought.

Where is he leading you that you are unwilling to go?

[frapioggia]

Hello friend, I’m sorry to hear you feel like this.

However, it took me years to figure those questions out. Those were the questions I used to ask myself every morning when I woke up and every night when I went to sleep: who am I? What’s the purpose of my existence?

I still have to find the whole answer to those questions, but it just takes time. Concentrate on yourself: don’t look for others, focus on making the best out of who you are. Set goals, achieve them. You can do it, you are strong enough to make it - you just need to build on that strength one step at a time.

Keep us updated, we love you

Pioggia

[513Kernal]

Man, this one kind of hits real close to home.

I grew up very different, I became overweight as a teenager after living a VERY active lifestyle for the first 10-12 years of my life. As an adult I became obese, and I thought that I would never be worthy of someone’s love. I have been abused, cheated on, neglected, dumped, and everything in between.

I honestly thought “Well I better be as nice as possible” because I didn’t feel anyone would want me for my looks, because I didn’t. It’s a struggle for sure, and it’s a battle that you can win. Everyone is deserving of love, and I struggled finding my place for 31 years.

There is hope, someone will want you for YOU, and I believe in that 100% because I was in the same position. You are great how you are. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone, and that I have felt this in nearly the EXACT same way. Please reach out to me if you need someone to talk to, because I want to be there for you friend.

[RedPanda]

Disappointment, betrayal and loneliness can hurt deeply, but you of all people know that God can bind up every one of those wounds and knit you together. He has given you feelings and emotions for a reason and has already walked through everything you are facing. He bore it all for you and is seated right now in heaven on your behalf. There is a reason He created you and put you here and loves you beyond understanding.

Like you I volunteered in my church for a decade and learned and grew behind the scenes- it was a gift from God and joy for me to in the church, but eventually like you, I suffered disappointment and burnout and stepped down for a season that turned into longer and more permanent than you’d have thought. So, I understand your feelings of losing close loved ones, of betrayal and the loss of best friends, companionship and separation from even family and church.

We feel like broken and malformed clay vessels, but in His hands you are shaped and formed for His purposes, and one day you will be made perfect and stand with God. There will be no more tears, no sorrow- that God has promised- hold onto that. You have been given a gift of faith that is rare and special, so make every step in faith to stir that gift up and ask the Holy Spirit to breathe new life into you. He will do it for you and for His glory because His word never returns to Him empty.

I am praying for you and ask you to pray for me and others as you see need. Brother and friend, may God bless you richly according to all His grace. Whenever you’re self-critical or reminded of weakness or faults, know that they are often lies and deceptions sent to undermine you and when you ARE actually weak, God is strong. Know that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses.

If you need to talk, reach out to this community or even me. Happy to talk or help however I can.

RedPanda

[feengid]

@Hawthorne love you man

[Devoid_TV]

Hey Hawthorne, my dude, you are so loved my man. Just check out the video from the live stream. We all have some great advice to offer you. But the best advice I can give is that you can’t take the shitty things people say about you as the gospel truth. Those people are hurting and they themselves don’t know how to handle their own pain so they project it on others. People like that have no place in your life, they hold no bearing, let their words pass over you without paying any mind to them. Stay strong my friend. We love you.

• Nolan

[Danjo]

@Hawthorne Here is our video response from our live stream, Hold Fast:

[Hawthorne]

Thank you guys for your encouragement and advice. The outside perspective of why I was getting burned out in service and relationships makes a lot of sense. You’re right about needing to believe the positives and my worth for myself. And that really is the hardest part for me. I’m trying to rewrite the soundtrack in my head but it’s not easy. I’ve been trying to make a point to remind myself of the blessings I have, the family and friends who love me, the opportunities for growth there are from even the worst pains. Many days it helps and while I still don’t understand why I am here I’m ok with it; trusting God has a plan and can see the big picture even if I can’t and never will. But then a whole bunch of little things happen, or maybe one big thing, and there is an inner voice that comes back again and again. It is hateful, angry and abusive. When I’m doing ok I can keep it at bay but when I’m tired all I can hear is it’s screaming. It drags me down until something snaps, I catch my breath, and climb back up out of the darkness. It is an exhausting cycle, but I’m trying.

I also wanted to expand on the point that was made about blocking out the hurtful criticisms and how they are as relevant and true as the rantings of a crazy person. Those can hurt but are often blatant enough I can usually laugh them off. The ones that cut the deepest are the ones that come from loved ones who believe they are giving sound advice, in the hopes of genuinely seeing me happy. Even my parents’ advice to pursue a green card marriage wasn’t spoken to hurt or mock, but as a reasonable suggestion that for them would make them personally happy were they in my shoes. From my perspective a lot of that loving advice feels like I’m a tortoise and they are trying to teach me how to be a good Labrador. And while I have learned to fake it pretty well it’s still not me and tires me out.

[Hawthorne]

@513Kernal

Our stories really sound amazingly similar. I too was a skinny, active kid but began gaining in middle school and have struggled ever sense. I’ve also tried to be extra nice and giving to compensate. Thanks for sharing and your encouragement. I’m trying to stay positive and believe.

[513Kernal]

I believe in you friend, I just hope that you find the same in yourself. I can 100% say that recognizing your own worth will be what changes your life. Know that your personality isn’t a flaw, and that you deserve success

[Connorbr]

Hey, friend.

I relate to your story on a very real level. I remember too falling into the trap of trying to impress way too many people and looking to the world for affirmation with respect to justifying my own existence. Falling into that void of anxiety and despair when you don’t get what you thought you wanted/needed from the world is a tough spot to dig yourself out of.

Rewiring your mind takes effort and time. Finding YOUR passions, regardless of what others think of them, is necessary. People are attracted to authenticity. But it starts with prayer and making yourself available to hear the response - that means being attentive to the small nuances God places on your heart each day. What gives you chills? What makes your eyes open a little wider? Chase these things and refuse to compromise when the white noise of life pulls you away from them.

You are cared for

[rich]

I feel similarly, in that i see no point to be alive. I was born again , but lost my faith after reading the bible all the way thru… and then having nights when i couldnt sleep. Now i have ocd to pick up trash wherever i go. Plus i cant remember if i wash my hands… or use soap.

[needs_help]

I relate to this a lot. I grew up around drug, alcohol, and physical abuse and it has really effected my mental state all the way down to suicidal thoughts and tendencies, I want help and I need help but I don’t seek it. I am trying hard to boost my mental state but the thoughts are really starting to get at me to the point to when I found my shotgun gone I was sad because I was ready to die.

[Ghhhost]

I have this friend and she’s very outgoing but she’s also suicidal. She’s only 13 and she wants to die every night. Sometimes she loses her sanity and starts to laugh the pain off sounding psychotic. She hates when she does that, more so she hates every being and herself. Her parents don’t understand and she doesn’t either. Her religious trauma is deep and goes on within her, her mother once made her sister attempt suicide for not wanting to learn her religion. She doesn’t like it. Her father most of all is always absent in the act she hates her father most of all for that. She wants to die but can never pick up a knife and instead she chooses to suffer everyday. She has one desire though, to travel the world and protect the world from the shadows. She knows it stupid but it’s a nice to dream of and fall asleep too.

(Sorry if this made anyone uneasy)

[Wings]

It looks like Hawthorne may not have been here since 2018, but the feelings he expressed are part of a very common experience. I think that’s why he received so many responses, and they are all good. There is one thing I would like to add, and it relates to the feeling of being burned out and the debilitating disappointment that follows.

If we think ourselves as the source of care, compassion and empathy, at some point we will feel depleted, as though all of our energy has been drained out. However, if we really become aware of our function as a conduit of love from a Higher Source, then we realize that instead of being burned out, our capacity for love is without limit. I came to this understanding at the time when I was working incredibly long hours, providing patient care. I was so exhausted, that I not only felt as though I could not see the patient I was scheduled for, but I also didn’t think I had enough strength to drive home.

As I was walking to the patient’s door (I was doing home health nursing), my quick prayer was “please allow me to channel your energy and strength.” It worked! The visit went well, and I actually felt like I had more energy at the end of it. From then on, I had the habit of reminding myself that I was a conduit of Universal Energy. I still got physically tired from time to time, but never really felt emotionally drained again.

I also realized that this philosophy is in very strong alignment with the St. Francis peace prayer. I find that comforting.

I brought this up because I saw a couple of postings that talked about being burned out, and disappointed. I think the feeling of being burned out triggers a cascade of negative thoughts, and lowered self-esteem. That leads to feeling extremely vulnerable to the criticisms of others, which further depreciates a person’s self-image.

Anyway, I think it’s much easier to find meaning in life, if you realize that you have the ever present strength of the Universe (or God if you prefer) to back you up. The resulting generosity of heart and spirit easily answers the question of “why am I still here?” The purpose of absolutely everything and everyone, is to share Love.

[Steven_T]

I feel similarly to you. Not suicidal, but I think people are starting to think I’m the dollar store version of Daredevil. Wether im at a family celebration or someone is waving a weapon in my face it gets the same response from me. I wish I had an answer to help you.