Extreme trigger warning, this is extremely blunt and if you have experienced any trauma that could bring any kind of PTSD by reading something of the sort, please take head
I was raped and beaten by my father ever since I was a little girl. I was kicked out, nobody ever believed me about what happened. I got pregnant at 17, then I dropped out of high school. I gave birth to my child completely alone. I’ve been married and divorced before the age of 20. I was addicted to cocaine. I have tried to commit suicide multiple times over the ages of 13-17 before I got pregnant. There are many more things… I have the ultimate background story to blame and become a screw up.
But the thing is, I’m not a screw up.
I made it through every single obstacle in my life. I went back and finished high school, graduated college, made an amazing career for myself. I’m a fantastic mom. I am with the love of my life. I have the perfect shade of blonde hair. I make a lot of money but I make it in an honest way, never greedy. I volunteer regularly. I go to every school function you could possibly come up with. I cook. I clean. I do things for myself, I go have fun and never forget to have my alone time. I’m a loyal friend and woman. I cannot tell you one bad thing about myself.
So why am I here???
I’m hoping someone can tell me.
I. Feel. Worthless.
I feel absolutely nothing for myself. I cannot understand why for the life of me. I have everything I ever set my mind to. I give other people everything they could ever want. My life is supposed to be okay now. I made it through everything and accomplished more than I ever set out to accomplish. But I am empty. I feel like I am nothing. I don’t feel needed. But I have no reason to feel that way, I have absolutely no idea why I am not happy or content or why I don’t feel like I am worth anything.
I don’t know where to go from here. I can’t figure out what is stopping me from seeing my own self worth when I can literally point out EVERY reason as to why I should be proud of myself.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It breaks my heart that someone else had to experience that. Nobody of any age should ever have to deal with being sexually or physically abused. By anyone. It’s awful that it’s by people that are supposed to love and protect us.
I was sexually abused by both of my Grandfather’s growing up. One for years and through my teens. And when I was 16 years old, I was raped by a neighbor boy. I tried to come forward about the sexual abuse in my family and my family called me a liar and forced me into silence. Going as far as telling me that my Grandfather would commit suicide if I ever told anyone and they believed it. My mother and my sister would tell me that he never touched her so I must be lying. Or that if it was true, that I should have spoken up sooner instead of putting my sister in potential danger. To this day my family disregards me because of it. So I know that pain and I’m so sorry.
Like you, despite the hardships I went through, I came through it. It was hard and not easy, but I am still here. As are you.
I think its great that you seem to be financially stable. That you love to volunteer and do things that you both enjoy and need to do on a day to day basis. That is all really great.
But even with all of that, that doesn’t mean you can’t feel depression or the things you are going through. Some of the happiest people have moments of feeling like this.
Maybe taking up a counselor would be really beneficial to you. Do you know that Heart Support has a free trial to Better help that you can use? You have to have a credit card when you sign up, but as long as you cancel before that 7 days is up, you will NOT get charged. Maybe even just that trial could be helpful to you. If you’d be interested, here is the link
I’ve been using BetterHelp myself, and it’s been really nice just having someone to talk to periodically. And also knowing I can schedule a live chat/audio/video call if I need it.
I hope things get better for you, Christine. That you are able to find peace and healing. So much love to you.