Will I relapse or end it all?

HeartSupport Support
1

So, it’s been a bit since I’ve posted here because I’ve been mentally and physically unable to reply to your posts or reach out and help anyone, and the few people I have managed to reach out to, well… It’s not gone too well. I already feel like the worst person in the world for that - what kind of person doesn’t help someone in need?
The last few weeks have been so difficult. It’s almost worse than the first 30 days I had free from pills, which, anyone that has found recovery from any type of addiction, will know, those first days are a living hell.
I am constantly exhausted to the point my entire body physically hurts all the time… People suggest hot baths for the pain… Makes sense right? Only, I don’t have the energy to even get up, let alone run a bath. I’m not eating because I’m either not hungry or just don’t really care for it. I mean, it’s not all bad, it’ll help me lose a bit the weight I need to lose. It’s been a long while since I’ve been emotionally exhausted to this extent, and I really don’t know how to help myself back out of it.
If I’m not wanting to get high, self harm or kill myself, I’m wanting to sleep. I’ve fallen back into the addiction of self harm, I am cutting pretty much every other day and I really don’t know if I am in a position where I can stop. I’m back at the point of hearing those voices in my head trying to encourage me to do anything I can to have get a break.
I got pulled up at work about the fact I’m horrendously under performing, now for me that’s massive because I’ve been at my job for 4 years and have always been one of the top 3 employees on my department… Because of all of this going on, I’m now not even meeting the required targets… The following day I phoned into work sick, lying about the reason because I didn’t want to admit it was my depression and now could potentially be in some trouble (I wouldn’t lose my job just yet).
I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like I’m back where I was right at the start when I was heading into my first relapse. I treat the people I care about like crap when all they want to do is help. I know recovery doesn’t take breaks - it’s a constant battle every damn day… but I don’t know how much longer I can stand being on the battlefield. Do I even deserve to still be alive?
If anyone can give any advice at all… Please. I’m trying to hold on, but it’s getting harder each day.

Kayla

2

It’s soooooooo okay to not be able to adequately help others. We all get to that point, and it just means you need to take a step back from constantly pouring your love and support out on others and take some time and energy to take care of yourself. This means you are a really helpful and compassionate and loving person, which is wonderful, but if always being there for others is causing you to lack in self care, I think it’s time to take time for yourself. You are important too, and you can’t be fully there for others if you don’t take care of yourself first. It’s like what they teach you on airplanes – in all cases put on your own mask before helping others.

If you are looking for one goal going forward rather than overwhelming yourself with 1000 different ways of getting better, I think this is a good place to start. Maybe just focus more on being open to support. Posting here and looking for advice is a wonderful start to that, and I’m proud of you for doing that. But it sounds like there are other people in your life who want to help too, and it might be worth the effort to focus on letting them help you. None of us are meant to fight these battles alone.

YES. YES. SO MANY YESSES (if that’s even a word). I totally get where you’re coming from, and many of us have been there, but believe me… you DO deserve to be alive. The world needs you here just as much as anyone else. Please try to look past your mistakes and forgive yourself, and just try to do better next time. You are not a failure and you are not a mistake. I don’t know what kind of beliefs you have but I believe that God loves you as much as anyone else and He cares about your struggles. I believe He is using your struggles and mountains for good in the end. There is hope.

My advice would be to find good support, like this community (good job!) and maybe a therapist. I always say that we could all use a good therapist/counselor, and I really believe that. If funds and logistics allow, please consider that. I’m really proud of you for your outlook and reaching out for support, and trying as hard as you can to hold on. You can do this.

Please don’t EVER hesitate to reach out again. We’re all here with you and you never have to struggle alone. We all believe in you. God bless <3