1,000 Words: Day One (Feeling Goal-Less: Part 3)

Words Written Today: 1,036

Today I decided to finally start a new goal. For while now I have been feeling goal-less. I wrote about it here. So I decided that I was going to at least give myself a daily goal to help me face whatever it was that made me feel inadequate; a source of my low self-esteem.

That goal was to privately write 1,000 Words a day. So far I have learned that I like pop culture references. And, that I have a tendency to ramble. But most importantly I have discovered that I am fearful of a lot of things. COVID is one of them.

I assure you I know that I not alone in this fear. We all are. But over the past year, my anxiety over existential things has grown exponentially and as I wrote today’s entry I could tell that it is a greater part of why I feel so lost.

I was drawn to write a bit about Christ in the Desert. Why he went there and why I too feel like I am wandering. I was wondering though, have you ever felt that way too?

“A thousand words a day and I still have 39 more days to go. I hope this hill I am facing now gets easier. I hope the coming pitfalls are shallow. I hope the journey through this wilderness is a short one. Otherwise, this whole exercise will be fruitless come Easter.”

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I was wondering though, have you ever felt that way too?

Oh, so many times, if not all the time. What’s interesting is also to feel an opposite attraction between a need to feel a sense of belonging, yet a desire to keep wandering and explore, without any strings attached.

I also hear you on this anxiety growing over existential questions and thoughts. I’ve always been fascinated by the capacity of some people to not dive into that kind of question, and focus on a more grounded/present way to live. Like a genuine admiration, because getting lost too often into deep thoughts that have no real answer is quite distressing sometimes. Though it also feels like a necessity, something I wouldn’t be able to live without.

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