1 step forward 3 steps back

Im so sorry for posting so much this month I hate flooding the wall but honestly don’t think I can cope much longer. This week has been interesting says the least starting with waiting 3 ish hours for a hotline for my power to go out that killed me. Dealing with more online hate than ever (Yes I do block the accounts afterwards) but still is extremely demoralizing having to read it. I’m starting to through the route that I’m a failure I don’t think I’ve done much at all that contributes to society.


My parents yesterday starting arguing which is worrying as I heard my name frequently during the conversation which made me feel like the verbal conflict is over me which I know its not my responsibility to sort of their problems. But it scares me to the point I left the house for around 10 hours just to get away from it.


I have to make a huge decision if I got to school next week so I can be eligible to do online school. I get why you may think that’s an easy step but I haven’t been in school at all in 2022 personally I want to start doing online school but its too good to be true. I don’t want to die I just want the pain to fade

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Hey Aces,

It’s good that you’re reaching out. The wall is not only there to post, but in fact to post as much as needed. While I understand this valid concern, there is no need to worry about that. I’m glad to read from you.

I totally understand that it feels so overwhelming when there doesn’t seem to be any safe area in your life. The concerns about school, fighting parents, online hate, and mental health struggles for which there isn’t immediate help available when needed and you’re reaching out. This is so tough. I’ve got so much respect for you that you’re still hanging in there, that you gave the hotline a try, and that you consider trying to become eligible for online school. I am very sorry that you witness your parents’ fights and that this is causing you so much distress. As you mentioned already, this is not your responsibility and their job to figure out their problems, but, of course, this doesn’t make it any easier to cope with.

Since neither do I know your situation nor am I in your shoes, what follows are of course only some suggestions.

Micro already suggested to make another account as a way to deal with the online hate. I definitely second that. To be honest, I don’t fully understand the need to have your DMs open, but I totally respect your wish to do so. Yet, from an outside perspective and the effects that you’re describing this has on your mental health, it makes me question of how much value these open DMs could possibly be. You don’t have to explain that, but does it really go beyond the fear of missing out? Do you get something out of it that is essential to your life? Honestly speaking, if the answer was no, I’d strongly recommend drawing consequences so you don’t have to read these harmful message anymore. I mean this:

is what you think about yourself because of these messages. That’s terrible. And not true. You’re a very valuable member of this community and I don’t want you to think these things about yourself. You’re not the target for other people’s frustration. I’d prefer to see you surrounded by peers who value you and support you.

For school, that’s making it through one week, but it’s suffering in the very near future whereas, if you weren’t eligible for online school, there would be much more suffering in the far future? That’s a tough decision to make because the near future is always of much more concern.
Online school probably also means not to have contact to school mates or teachers? Would you consider social contacts important? Also, can you imagine being at home all day every day? Can you find enough motivation if you’re on your own with school? I guess these were some questions I’d think about and most probably I’d make a pro-con list. In case you’re struggling with anxiety, I wouldn’t give it too much space in your decision, because - speaking from own experience - the more you listen to it and the more you avoid, the worse it’ll get.

I hope any of it might be of some help. Sending you hugs. You’re loved, you matter, and you’re a very precious member of our society. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi friend! :slight_smile:

You don’t need to be sorry you are not flooding the wall.

You are not a failure, you are amazing. I see your messages in the action group and I think you are really strong.

Everyone wants to pain to fade away friend, even personally, I do too. But sometimes we just need to give it more time friend. Yeah pain is really bad I feel you. Everyone here feels you friend, you are not alone. You can also dm me when you want on Discord. Im pretty sure I can make you happy with my jokes when you feel bad :grin:.

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From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey Friend, you’re going through a lot and it’s easy to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I’m a big believer that the struggles we go through are there to help us grow into the strongest versions of ourselves. It’s also easy to get overwhelmed by everything going on all at once. The most important thing here is to take care of your mental health and to focus on self-love. You’ve got a lot ahead of you to make something great happen, which I know you are.

I have a personal philosophy that came to me after going to my regular meditation sessions at a Buddhist monastery…this may be a little deep so bare with me.

be your own best friend. or in my case, be the father to your own child that YOU needed. Ask yourself, would you tell your own best friend/child that they are worthless, they are not going to amount to anything? Or will you give them support and tell them it’s okay, push through, you got this, kid? You’re locked in your own head with only you and everything outside of your head is just secondary. If you can learn to be your own best friend/the father you needed, you learn how to love yourself. When you love yourself you break free of the chains that hold you down as they all of a sudden lose their strength. The people around you will notice the aura you shine from self-love and you will attract kindness as you exude love yourself.

I share this with you as I went through crushing depression when I was younger… but I found out I was my own worst enemy. I thought everything and everyone around me was against me and I thought my only way out was suicide. when I realized I needed to learn how to love myself again, that’s when my inner world became my outer world…and the outer world reflected the love I so yerned for because I learned to love myself. You have greatness within you, I know you can find it and nurture it into something incredible. Stay strong, buddy.

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From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi Aces. You are not flooding the wall. Its ok to ask for support whenyou need it :slightly_smiling_face:. It is understandable that you are anxious but in the end it might all go well for you. I dont think you dont contribute thats simply not true because you have been a great support for many people here and I am glad you are a part of swat. But even if you werent contributing it doesnt matter because you are going through a rough time. As the saying goes: you cannot pour from an empty cup. Focus on yourself and take care of yourself. You have a whole life ahead f you to do crazy things so taking it slow now is ok. I really hope things will go well and you can do online school. Just try not to stess so much over it. I know its hard but no amount of nxiety has ever changed the outcome. I am wishing you luck and I hope it will all go well :slightly_smiling_face:

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From: Ash

Dearest Aces, I am so sorry so much is going wrong right now but know that the struggles you are facing arent easy ones. You are also not alone in them. Dont stop believing that you are good enough. Others may not be screaming that at the top of their lungs but I can see that you are truly a good person who is not a failure. No amount of education or knowledge or magical skills will make you less than what you are in value right now. You are not set by standards that you need to meet but more by the fact that do you have breath and a beating heart and made of flesh than hey your just as important as another. You arent defined by standards. There was a book I read when I was a kid about puppets who gave stickers to each other. They had two types stars and circles. The stars were for the good traits and the circles meant bad traits or bad things. Well one day the major character in the story starts to realize that he keep getting circles and never being given stars. He went to the puppet maker and asked why that was. Well he didnt tell him. As he left he saw another spotless puppet with no stickers and was not sure how he did that. So he waited and asked that puppet. In the end that puppet tells him about how if you dont let the peoples opinions and thoughts of if you deserve a circle or a star effect you they wont stick. Its not someone elses job to say what you are or how good you are. As in reality we are all made as unique as snowflakes. No two are the same. I like to hold onto that in the worst times. As for the scary factor of school and going back man that is big but lets look at it as a step a small step to a bigger option the online schooling which is what we want. But first we must take the steps to get there. So first is stepping back into that school even if we arent fully prepared even if we dont have all the answers but we just need to try.

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From: Micro

Hey Aces,

You are more than welcome to reach out every time you need time. You’re far from “spamming” or overwhelming the forum. It’s okay to reach out and ask for support when you need it. We all understand how difficult it can be to resurface while we’re going through a rough season of life, when it feels like everything is crushing us little by little. You’re not alone, friend. It’s an honor to have the possibility to respond to you, hear some updates and be by your side when life gets hard.

As for your parents, I hear you. It can be very stressful to hear arguments happening, especially when we believe it’s about us. I promise you though that even if it was indeed about you, the fact that they argue is not your fault. Parenting is an important role that requires often for parents to question themselves, their decisions, overall just the way they are parents. It’s not a comfortable process, but that is entirely between them and themselves. It is also their responsibility to figure things out and question themselves. None of this is your fault.

It’s good to hear that you had the possibility to be away from this environment for a while, although 10 hours is a lot, for sure. I too feel very distress when I see or hear people arguing, or just being a bit angry. It puts me into a freeze/flight mode, which is sometimes difficult to handle. Making sure to go to a different space, a different room, where we can feel safer, is essential to ease that stress. You did the right thing, friend.

As for your school, how do you feel about it? It definitely doesn’t sound like an easy step - this can be very intimidating! What is sure though, is that you have the entire ability and strength to do it. It’s even more motivating as it could bring a very positive change into your life, with this online school eligibility. I want you to know that you have all your encouragement and support here regarding this step to take next week. You can do this. And, no matter what, at the end of the day, rest assured that you have a safety net here in this community to recharge and breathe. We’re here. You’re not alone.

I believe in you. I’m proud of you. :hrtlegolove:

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