15 times I’ve attempted to kill myself. I feel really guilty about it. I feel like I’m worst than I was before I did. Like I became worse or that I shouldn’t have done it. Which is true but a the time I couldn’t think rationally. I couldn’t not do it. I was too overwhelmed. I felt so hopeless so why am I blaming myself for doing when I was doing my best? Why do I feel guilty? I feel like I’m the worst for doing this and I wouldn’t feel like this about anyone else. I just wish I could just stop putting more shit on myself. I hate myself for attempting. I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING IT. I can’t change it so why am I so caught on it? Hating myself for doing does nothing to help me and actually makes it worse and makes me more likely to try because hating myself cause me to fall into the loop that ends up with me attempting so why can’t I stop hating myself?
Paladin, you are a strong person. Attempting that many times is not easy, nor is dealing with the emotional aftermath.
Do you have someone close to you, such as a friend, sibling, parent or even a pet? Sometimes we just need to tell someone, hey, I am struggling here! We just need someone to listen to us. Can you call someone and just talk? Talk what is on your heart, in your head, at the moment. It may not come out perfect but just getting it off your chest may release some of the burden. It is perfectly okay to tumble occasionally as carrying all those thoughts, uncontrollable feelings…is HEAVY! Let some of your close ones help you carry those heavy feelings.
You know, your username Paladin reflects who you are. You are a holy (doesn’t have to be spiritually) knight. A guardian, a person of pure goodness. That is you. You are strong, you are capable and badass. Don’t forget that. You are still here, celebrate. Breathe. Take it a moment at a time. Be present.
Don’t be hard on yourself my friend stay strong
I want to tell you that you should not blame yourself for attemting that many times. I cant tell you the exact number of times I tried to kill myself because honestly some attempts were destined to fail from the start and with some i started but didnt go through with. The times I went through with it and wanted to die and other people know about them… I would say 4. First time when I was 13. Now i have been blamed for the fact that i tried to kill myself. I have been even blamed for just wanting to or thinking about it. What I have learned from this? It just makes things worse.
No really it does. Even when it is just you. Somehow blaming yourself for wanting to kill yourself… makes you want to kill yourself. Genius right! So dont do it. It just makes you feel like shit and pushes you closer to doing it again. We are creatures that are build to survive so when we want to die we see it as the best possible option. Really in how bad of a place must a creature that is build to survive be that it wants to die.
My point is dont blame youself. I am sure you wouldnt blame me for my attempts. I am just so sorry that you were in this place 15 times. It is horrible. I wish you never get to that place again. Please take care.
Maybe try to figure out why you hate yourself? Find out what that core trigger is and try to figure out how to cope or solve it. Just a thought I had, I might even take my own advice lol
SarahK replied to your post on our live stream with some amazing words of encouragement!
Here is a link to the video so you can watch her response for yourself.
I can’t tell anyone about. I don’t want to hurt people. It is hard but it’s better to be hurt than to hurt others.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I5 times you have been so very unhappy, so lost that you have wanted your life to end? That is not something that you should feel guilt for Paladin. I think you are so brave to be able to share that.
You are correct of course that hating yourself is a vicious circle so we need to find ways of making your world better even if its only a bit at a time.
You are such a special person and today I would love for you to think that yes you were in that place all those times but they were never choices you made so how could they have been your fault?
You are worth so much more than endless days of guilt and self punishment, you deserve peace and happiness just like everyone else and that is what I want for you.
If you believe nothing else please believe that.
Thank you so much. Everyone’s word have been helping me. I only wish I could stop that cycle now and not later but time is the only thing that is going to make this better. Time and knowing what to do
Hi Paladin, just checking in to see how you are doing?
Time can be our best friend and our worst enemy can’t it? But I’m hoping that with love and support this time can be just a little easier.
I’m not doing so good. Yesterday I kept hurting myself but at least today I haven’t done it yet. I’ve been fight against my mind over the smallest things and I feel more worthless and guilty than ever.
Im so sorry Paladin, I have said it before, if only we could see ourselves the way others see us? life would be so much easier and you would certainly feel differently about yourself because from what I see, a lot of us here think you are worth so much.
We all say Stay Strong and and it may end up sounding like a broken record but I believe that everyone truly means it and wants it for you. You saying that today you haven’t hurt yourself gives such hope that maybe today is the first day of many but one day at a time. You can do this. xxx
It would be a lot easier. I’m trying to see it from the way everyone else see but I can’t but thank you anyway.
Hey @Paladine good morning
Some days are harder than others, aren’t they? I know how much you struggle not to hurt yourself and I’m so proud of you for not giving up on yourself. Sometimes, we give into it because we don’t know how else to get rid of the pain or we just need to feel something.
I can’t tell you how many times I said to myself or someone involved that I wasn’t going to cut again “after today.” Then fail pretty soon after. There were also days where I didn’t cut.
When those feelings of emptiness, loneliness, confusion and madness come, the only way I can stop them is to try focusing on something else. Getting in your head about struggling makes it worse and it’s so hard to break free from those horrible thoughts.
So, try doing something different today. Do something that makes you happy (or used to).
Distraction is our best friend in these circumstances.
When I have some down time from school I’ll compose some music to calm down
That sounds wonderful!
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