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1am ramblings

Just venting because I’m tired. Tired of being tired because I’m going through another cycle of struggles with sleep. You know this sensation that we have sometimes, once we fall asleep, of feeling like we’re falling down and it wakes you up suddenly? That’s what I feel whenever I close my eyes, as if my brain was screaming at me: “you can’t sleep, it’s not safe!”.

I don’t know what triggered it this time, but once again I’m constantly alert. My body tends to be restless, my heart beats too fast, my head feels like it’s constanly stuck in a vice, not mentioning the headaches and shortness of breath. I try to go outside, or even sometimes just to open the window and breathe deeply. But it feels like there wouldn’t be enough air on this Earth anyway to counteracts this pressure on my chest. As if someone was on me, again. So I’m just numb, I think about the possibility to end it all, I think about the way I decided to leave again, once and for all, while knowing that it’s actually not a solution, but a way to run away.

I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of these cycles. I’m tired of being tired. It’s so much time wasted that was stolen away from me. I’m tired of seeing my life, my body and my heart stuck in a spectrum of traumatic responses.

I’m burning myself out, again. I overdo at home, I overdo on my personal projects, I oversocialize with some people while I feel already drained at the beginning of the day. I know I should rest, I know the value of self-care, and actually I’m pretty much a person who need silence and rest in order to recharge. But I keep overwhelming myself, not intentionally but knowing that it’s what I’m doing. I keep overwhelming my five senses with distractions, constant music on my headphones, too many interests, workouts that would be too intense. On the opposite I’m eating less and less again and enjoy the feeling of numbness that comes with it. It’s all about it: being numb to myself, to how I feel, just because it’s too deep and I don’t want to cry and cry again.

I wish my present was all different. With more harmony and peace. Not this constant switch between being a couch potato and an hyperactive overachiever. I’m tired. I’m numb. Once again I can’t grasp on what I feel. It’s just all automatic. Once again I’m just on autopilot and it exhausts me. I wonder if I’m even something beyond these two sides of myself. Between the one that needs to sit down and hide, and the one that needs to overachieve in silence. I wonder to which extent I am the product of what was done to me. I wish I could be something else and not feeling the need to type all of this at 1am. I wish I could just be me, without all of these freeze/flight responses that seem to define my whole life, and my whole self.

If you are struggling with the consequences of the hurt that someone did to you, I see you. I acknowledge your pain. I acknowledge your efforts. I acknowledge your capacity to thrive in silence. In this world a lot of barriers and walls seem invisible, but they’re not hidden from everyone. They exist for me and I wish they didn’t exist for you. But all in one, you’re not alone.

Sorry for my ramblings. This too shall pass. Somehow I know it will. Cycles are cycles. They always come back from point B to point A. Hopefully one day I’ll just see life beyond them. Maybe I already experienced it, but I’m not sure about it at all. Maybe I should also stop seeing myself as being less me when I’m obviously reliving a trauma. It’s still me. I just wish it wasn’t. I don’t know.

But those are too philosophical questions for my foggy mind right now. I’m just tired, and I simply needed to say it.

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Hey you,
Oh man sounds like a hell of a night, I hope you got a little bit of rest sometime after that. And its good you got that off your chest, its probably doing you more good than you know. One thing about this site, or rather forums, is you can type it out and it seems a little less tiring than speaking verbally about it to someone. It seems to me that you know what you can do to help yourself: some self care. But sometimes it takes some discipline to actually do it. With everything I read, I hope you know your not just a product of what was done to you, the fact that your asking yourself that shows a lot of awareness to begin with. Things that happen often change us but sometimes without us even realizing it and its when we do realize it, that we start having power over it and get to choose what we work on ourselves.
But I get it, it stays there in back of your mind. And there are days ( nights) it’s just going to run you over like a can being crushed by a beer. And its draining to have to pick yourself up. But I do believe that each time a cycle of those moments pass, we learn something new or something small is different. That’s a step, no matter how small. So as long as you don’t give up. In meantime, let it all out!
Take care!
V-

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Hey @Verona2900, thank you for replying. I appreciate it. :hrtlegolove:

You absolutely nailed it and expressed exactly how it goes during these moments. I know the lack of sleep influences a lot my motivation and capacity to thrive anyway. Been tough again lately on this matter.

I agree with with you and believe as well that each cycle is an opportunity to learn something different. I guess it’s just very frustrating that, most of the time, I only realize what I’ve learned a long time after getting back on my feet. But I can still look backwards and acknowledge the steps I’ve been taking so far, in the past.

Still tired and quite hopeless today, but I met my therapist and it felt good. Have some homework to do. Back to school. 8)

Thank you again for your time and understanding. :hrtlegolove:

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I see you. I hear and feel your struggles with sleep and energy. After months of not sleeping well, new meds have me sleeping through the night, and now I think I feel worse. I feel your body aches. I understand turning up too high to overcompensate.

I just got lost in the middle of typing this :expressionless:

I am in the mental fog with you. It feels like molasses. I hear the ghosts of my past calling, and sometimes I answer.

I don’t know what to tell you, except that you are not a product of what happened to you. I know you know that to be true, even if exhaustion wears down your resolve and makes you wonder. Nietzsche, for all the hopelessness he espouses, does caution: “if you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.” Don’t look. Keep your head up. Rest your head on our shoulders. If we lean into each other, tired as we are, we can stay upright.

 Tell the swine we will make it out alive,
 There's a note in the pages of a book.
 So sleep tonight, we'll sleep dreamlessly this time.
 When we awake, we'll know that everything's alright.
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Oh my friend. I wish you were not on that struggle bus. :frowning: It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone, but I surely wish you something so much better than this mental fog. It’s exhausting to feel constantly slow and disconnected. I hope you will find some harmony again as soon as possible.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing this. You know I truly appreciate your words and cherish your friendship. It means a lot to me.

Let’s get through this season anyway. :hrtlegolove:

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have you looked into HSP? very aware of you, your surroundings … might just be that your nervouse system is like the hubble telescope…

Do you have the pins and needles feeling more often than usual or something like it in various intensities?

any way thanks for sharing… helps me to get my own thoughts from my brain to my mouth… or in this case my brain to the keyboard…ahahaha

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