Just venting because I’m tired. Tired of being tired because I’m going through another cycle of struggles with sleep. You know this sensation that we have sometimes, once we fall asleep, of feeling like we’re falling down and it wakes you up suddenly? That’s what I feel whenever I close my eyes, as if my brain was screaming at me: “you can’t sleep, it’s not safe!”.
I don’t know what triggered it this time, but once again I’m constantly alert. My body tends to be restless, my heart beats too fast, my head feels like it’s constanly stuck in a vice, not mentioning the headaches and shortness of breath. I try to go outside, or even sometimes just to open the window and breathe deeply. But it feels like there wouldn’t be enough air on this Earth anyway to counteracts this pressure on my chest. As if someone was on me, again. So I’m just numb, I think about the possibility to end it all, I think about the way I decided to leave again, once and for all, while knowing that it’s actually not a solution, but a way to run away.
I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of these cycles. I’m tired of being tired. It’s so much time wasted that was stolen away from me. I’m tired of seeing my life, my body and my heart stuck in a spectrum of traumatic responses.
I’m burning myself out, again. I overdo at home, I overdo on my personal projects, I oversocialize with some people while I feel already drained at the beginning of the day. I know I should rest, I know the value of self-care, and actually I’m pretty much a person who need silence and rest in order to recharge. But I keep overwhelming myself, not intentionally but knowing that it’s what I’m doing. I keep overwhelming my five senses with distractions, constant music on my headphones, too many interests, workouts that would be too intense. On the opposite I’m eating less and less again and enjoy the feeling of numbness that comes with it. It’s all about it: being numb to myself, to how I feel, just because it’s too deep and I don’t want to cry and cry again.
I wish my present was all different. With more harmony and peace. Not this constant switch between being a couch potato and an hyperactive overachiever. I’m tired. I’m numb. Once again I can’t grasp on what I feel. It’s just all automatic. Once again I’m just on autopilot and it exhausts me. I wonder if I’m even something beyond these two sides of myself. Between the one that needs to sit down and hide, and the one that needs to overachieve in silence. I wonder to which extent I am the product of what was done to me. I wish I could be something else and not feeling the need to type all of this at 1am. I wish I could just be me, without all of these freeze/flight responses that seem to define my whole life, and my whole self.
If you are struggling with the consequences of the hurt that someone did to you, I see you. I acknowledge your pain. I acknowledge your efforts. I acknowledge your capacity to thrive in silence. In this world a lot of barriers and walls seem invisible, but they’re not hidden from everyone. They exist for me and I wish they didn’t exist for you. But all in one, you’re not alone.
Sorry for my ramblings. This too shall pass. Somehow I know it will. Cycles are cycles. They always come back from point B to point A. Hopefully one day I’ll just see life beyond them. Maybe I already experienced it, but I’m not sure about it at all. Maybe I should also stop seeing myself as being less me when I’m obviously reliving a trauma. It’s still me. I just wish it wasn’t. I don’t know.
But those are too philosophical questions for my foggy mind right now. I’m just tired, and I simply needed to say it.