2 months I was clean from self harm. 2 months I was able to say hey look, I’m doing okay and I’m getting better. Then I slipped up. I argued with a very close friend. And everything fell apart. It felt like I was drowning. Suffocating on the pain I felt from the argument. The argument itself was mere minutes. But it felt like we’d been arguing for hours. And when we eventually stopped talking, I just broke down. I broke down and cried, and reached for another way of cutting. I hadn’t touched a razor in weeks. And all in a matter of minutes, I threw all that progress away.
Hearing my boyfriend say he was disappointed in me… That hurt. More than I thought it would. I sat in darkness, feeling like one of the worst people in existence. And again started to think that maybe things would be better if I weren’t here. Maybe things would be different if I weren’t here. I started to question my existence. Feeling like I was and am a mistake. I didn’t want to add more scars to my body. Yet here I am. I hate myself. I hate myself for slipping up. For disappointing the one person I love the most.
It’s impacting my streaming. I can’t work. I’m back and forth from different therapists. My meds aren’t doing anything but family don’t want me to go on a higher dosage. I’m trapped. I feel trapped. Suffocated and useless. Wanting to die is moving higher and higher up the list of things I want.
Hey @mammawolf,
First off, 2 months is huge! Don’t diminish that accomplishment - YOU did that. I am so proud of you!
We slip, it’s okay- we’re human. Self-harm was a big escape for me too. It’s scary when you slip and it feels like the end of the world, BUT you did it. You made it through the last time too.
Have you read ReWrite from HeartSupport? It’s a really incredible book and I can get you a copy if you’d like! It helped me a lot in my journey so maybe it can do the same for you.
I’m proud of you. Hold Fast!
-SJ
Im sorry that you are suffering like that. In life good moment ends but bad moments too. I can only say that you are more than this bad moment that you are having right now and that you are amaizing and unique, so never think that people are better without you, think about the people that love you and the people that are waiting for you to meet them. I am 100% sure that you can still make so many great things and that new happy memories are waiting for you. Please dont give up🙌 Take care
Hey @mammawolf
You are so strong.
Relapses happen when you are recovering from self-harm. I know it doesn’t make it easier to say that. But I want you to know that you’re not a failure because there’s been a relapse on your journey. You didn’t throw away your progress at all. Your achievements are still here. You still build some strengths for yourself everytime you chose to not harm yourself.
Your boyfriend was wrong by saying he was disappointed. He has the right to feel how he feels. But you don’t need to hear that kind of thing when you’re already vulnerable. You’ve been 2 months clean from self harm. Friend, that’s awesome. And I’m not saying it to be kind. It is objectively a huge achievement. I’m proud of you.
Please try to take some deep breaths. There’s a lot happening and it’s indeed stressful. You’ll need time to process what happened, to take a step back from it and think about how to keep going on. You can do it. You’re not trapped even if it feels like this.
You are so loved. Hang in there. 
You did not fail.
There were many times I saw my relapse as failure, but it’s simply not true. It’s not failure.
We all slip up along the way, and that’s ok. Don’t see it as failure- see it as a step. Make it a goal to pass.
You are loved. You are important. You can do this.