Lately I have been feeling good. I have been moving back to the holds things I love to do. Studying Theology, reading and writing, and praying to my God. My Gf and I are working through books to start a marriage. We are talking and praying more about it, it seems like a good idea. But i am still faced with the question of, why rush? That question appears to me a lot and im trying to be honest with myself of why do i want to marry now. The reasons are, why not? why wait? I dont want to “date” for so long when i might as well marry this woman. I love her dearly and wholeheartedly, however i also fear i am rushing and i am gonna ruin her life. Thats my fear, that im putting too much expectations on her. The expectation to not make me feel lonely, the expectation to be there to support me but to let me be an individual. Thats why we are doing a study, to see if we even want to marry right now.
I just want to move in my life. I feel so stagnant and so still and it is bugging me that I am waiting for class to start, to waiting to have a career. I have done my part but im still waiting for someone else to do there’s. I am very much a person who struggles with patients. I see this period of life as a growth in that but damn is it hard.
It sounds like you’ve been able to find a balance and a way to get back to the things you hold dear. That is really great to hear! It also sounds like the study you are doing with your girlfriend is bringing up a lot of questions. I don’t think questions are bad to have but rather a sign of how much you care and how seriously you take all of this. I think the questions and uncertainties you are experiencing are understandable and normal to be having. On one hand you want to move in your life, get married and start your life together, but on the other you don’t want to rush it. This study sounds like a great opportunity for you two to be open and honest with each other and I’m hopeful it will result in uncertainties being cleared and great communication taking place.
The feeling of stagnation is so frustrating when you’re putting in so much work and are so eager to get started but you are forced to wait. Whether that be on the situation or other people it gets disheartening. However, just from what you’ve said here I get the sense that you are a very thoughtful, hard working and intentional person. So although things may be at a standstill right now, I believe you will get to where you want to be and that this is a period of growth in your life. Sometimes growth is uncomfortable but the result is strength and progress.