Lately I have been feeling good. I have been moving back to the holds things I love to do. Studying Theology, reading and writing, and praying to my God. My Gf and I are working through books to start a marriage. We are talking and praying more about it, it seems like a good idea. But i am still faced with the question of, why rush? That question appears to me a lot and im trying to be honest with myself of why do i want to marry now. The reasons are, why not? why wait? I dont want to “date” for so long when i might as well marry this woman. I love her dearly and wholeheartedly, however i also fear i am rushing and i am gonna ruin her life. Thats my fear, that im putting too much expectations on her. The expectation to not make me feel lonely, the expectation to be there to support me but to let me be an individual. Thats why we are doing a study, to see if we even want to marry right now.
I just want to move in my life. I feel so stagnant and so still and it is bugging me that I am waiting for class to start, to waiting to have a career. I have done my part but im still waiting for someone else to do there’s. I am very much a person who struggles with patients. I see this period of life as a growth in that but damn is it hard.