26 and I don't know how to live life. No GF or real job

I understand that the intention of this site is to by default seek comfort and have positive affirmation. I am only posting here to express myself, it can have 1 reply or no replies, it wouldn’t matter to me. I’ve never had a good childhood. I understand that my life isn’t the worst existence, there are people who have suffered 100 times more and perhaps I shouldn’t be complaining about my existence if mine is so better. The only things I know I have never had in my life, are a positive memory and no actual friends. I’m very neutral on my family, I don’t love them or hate them, they just feel like longer terms strangers to me. I remember my parents in my childhood being more supporting and genuine. As years went on, and my parents went from being poor to wealthy, then I experienced first hand what money does to people. Although it started with my aunt and uncle, who are richer than my parents, but when I seen what wealth and materialism did to my parents 7 years ago, that was a pivotal life changing experience for me.

Before my family was wealthy, I still was bullied all the time in school. I started out as a hyperactive kid seeking attention and friendship, and I know that I actually scared people away, which meant as school went on, I was know as an outcast and a punching bag. Had money stolen from me and my car vandalized many times. College was when I had my first hospitalization. I actually didn’t attempt suicide, but it lingered in my mind from 2010-2012. The only thing that’s keeping me alive is just an animal instinct to not die, that’s it! So its just primal and primitive in nature. Which proves I really am pathetic and have nothing. I don’t have a girlfriend, never had a real one really. My friends it took me a long time to realize that they were friends merely out of circumstances and familiarity.

I have no actual valuable skill. I’m a loser making $560 a week working my fmaily’s million dollar business. My parents are not bad people, they’re hard working people, but beyond that they’re not that great with people either. I want to be an IT technician just to make money, I don’t go crazy over every little piece of tech, I think IT suites me because I am away from people most of the time, and its just me, a problem and me using logic and introspecting.

My fear is that I am going to die alone in some homeless shelter. No wife and kids. I just learned my mouth always gets me into trouble, so I speak less because I only go based off what I know, I can’t even communicate with my own family, so I can’t even fathom to communicate verbally with strangers.

I’m also out of shape, kind of thing and not attractive. I am working out to try and fight anxiety, my trainer is thankfully a good person and not charging me much, he says I’m getting better, but I am slowly gaining weight because in all honesty I find it hard to get a drive for anything.

Right now, my current state is emotional numbness. I feel legit stupid, because I am not engaged with my surroundings, I spend more time conversing with myself in my own brain, that’s my best friend, just the worthless grey matter in my skull with my autistic neurons and synapses. Thank you garbage genes.
The only thing I know, is that I am a loser. I can’t even have my own life and instead of blaming people, I have to learn its 100% my fault.

The only thing I have close to a family, are fictional characters I read about as a kid. I only had fictional manga and comic book characters to go to when I was alone. It sad I had to rely on people who never can exists to make myself feel better.

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Hey dude
Sorry that you’re in a tough spot but join the club lol.

First thing I want to say is that you can’t get into IT just because you think fit the stereotype lol.
You’re gonna waste your time and money on something that you’re not really interested in.

And as for you’re social life, that’s something that you need to build for yourself. Stay away from people who insult and annoy you find the good friends in life
I know it’s hard, but make an effort to get yourself out there.

You may not be interested in a lot of things but that’s the problem. You have to want to be interested in something
Go join a club or volunteer and more and more people will come across in your life, and build good social integrity.

As for your parents you must respect them and prove better than them.

You’re shooting yourself in the foot my friend and that’s only going to make things worse on you, if you don’t like living like this then you have to help yourself.

And don’t feel bad just because you don’t have a gf. Any stupid fool can have sex but that doesn’t mean it makes them any better, because all it is, is an experience. It won’t help them to become a better person, that’s something that only one can accomplish.

Hope I helped :slight_smile: