I fucken hate you and everything u have done to me.i call blocked now…just to hear you,it’s been months since I’ve gave in and here I am acting like you to just to feel self satisfaction.ive finally lowered myself to your level only feel the fucking same.from the begining of us it felt to real.it felt secure,embracing and yet I fell to your conjuring of my own character defects…the difference now is that I’m sober and I have control finally.you have none and I fear that my own actions made our offspring of love and laughter utterly confused on my love,from your harmonic sound that pierces the new walls that u walk through.in every description I can’t come up with ,your fucking image curses my every question…here I am listening to a old band,@1:16 am thinking that the sound of ur voice could of helped.it started with the memories of myself seeing our daughter shake in fear from us…it gravitated to a blocked call,then rocketed into a blow up …I didn’t speak and just waited for what??? Absolutely nothing just hellos and hang ups…then all I wanted to hear was how our child was doing not even caring how you were…fucking anger…fucking hatred for you…remembering now why I sent the unrelenting blocked calls with no reply on my end was for one reason because of what Ryan??? Nothing…I got my answer realizing that nothing is left and I’m over this come back of what if? What if I’m just grieving on us???and finally reaching in to find that we only created what we started with? Love…a child of love to be without a father??? How can someone leave that little girl ??? How I ask myself??? How is because of every argument…from every drink I took…from every domestic that happened…from every tear wiped by my doing…from every fuck you idc…from every fucking thing…now I must and need to fucking move on…heather I’m finishing your page on my fourth step,pages I should say because it’s in ink…like the permanence I’ve created.theres nothing like silence on my end so u can feel exactly what u have done to me…blowing me up with unrelenting calls from different numbers ,curses and self willed disturbing remarks that I didn’t need to speak at all…fucking silence…actual silence…I didn’t need to even say a word…knowing that the flood of me over you with no words spoken gives me peace…for a moment…at least it’s not beer or whiskey flowing this time and I have support,structure and a loving family here on this platform where I can say anything,speak this bullshit to someone to read…at least I have something u couldn’t give at all which was just a listening ear.a real concern.a real feeling.
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Yes, you are grieving. Your hurt. You emotions and thoughts are chaotic because of the pain and loss. It sounds like this coming apart has been painful for all involved.
It’s a spectacularly heroic thing you did to quit drinking while in the midst of this emotional storm. At the same time, doing so might be the thing that helps you make the right choices and survive.
Find help! You need someone you can talk to, hopefully a therapist.
It’s good you came here to express your feelings. You also need to find a way to think calmly and rationally about your situation.
Wishing you peace, Wings
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