35 days fighting to just wanting to die

It’s been a while since I posted here myself and putting this out here is probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but right now, I’m completely lost and my suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and I don’t know what else to do. Also yes I know everything you’re about to read makes every single response I’ve ever given on the wall completely meaningless because how can you say something to someone and not feel it yourself.
Many of you know I’ve struggled with self harm for the last 12 years and an addiction to prescription drugs for the last 6-7 years… You also know that I’ve been fighting for my recovery for a little over a month now. Not long ago I hit 35 days completely clean of all drugs, however, that was as far as I got. I’ve spent the last 3 days high, dosed up on the same drugs I used everyday for 6 years, the same drug I attempted to overdose on 4 times before I even turned 18. My self harming over this last month has gotten worse, to the point I actually right now can’t move my damn arm without being in a ton of pain and haven’t been able to for the last week. I don’t remember a lot before the age of 8 - my earliest memory is that of me walking in on my mum pinned against a wall - my dads hands around her neck. It was about a year or so after that I started to harm… Other than that, I don’t remember ever not self harming, it’s the only thing I’ve known my whole life and I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to come back from these relapses. I’m both physically and mentally exhausted. Today is the first day I haven’t taken anything and all I can think about is how and when I’m finally going to die… All of this would be so much easier if I wasn’t around anymore. My parents would be able to spend all of their energy on the children they actually love and want instead of spending it on a child they don’t even want, beating me down and comparing me my sisters constantly. I wouldn’t have to deal with the constant abuse that comes from them all and the empty feeling of ending another day without hearing them say they love me the same way they do to eachother. I wouldn’t have to burden people with all of my crap or lose my shit at them for helping me when I come down from being high. I wouldn’t be able to disappoint the people I love. There would be no more fear of relapse, no more pain, no more anything. I’m starting to wonder if I’m even going to be around to see my birthday in just under 3 weeks. I’m so lost right now. Living is too painful. I don’t want to be alive if it means feeling like this.

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Hey, Kayla.
First off, I wanted to say thank you for sharing your struggles here. You are so appreciated in this community. Everyday, I get on and see your countless replies and offers to help others on here. This community would be lost without you, and some people probably wouldn’t be here today without your words of encouragement and support. Remember that, always, when you feel like the world would be a better place without you. We haven’t spoken before, but just by existing in this community and posting support, you’ve encouraged me and made my day a little brighter.

Family may be family, but coming from experience, family often sucks. I’m so sorry that you have to go through the comparison, the pain, the abuse - it is the worst. My heart truly goes out to you. While I can’t relate about the addiction to drugs, I can relate to the self harm. It really has a way of gripping us and making us truly believe we won’t be okay without it. But we will, and we’ll be better off.

I would recommend finding an accountability buddy. Find someone that when the urge to use drugs / cut / whatever self injury that comes to mind - Call that person, text them, go to their home, whatever is best for you. Because you are so valuable to us, to me. You are loved beyond words that I can say, and your absence would hurt. I know the pain seems like it’s not worth it to go on anymore, but pain and sadness are temporary. We love you. Please, stay with us.
You can overcome and we’re all rooting for you, especially me.
Message me if you ever need.

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You are so brave for sharing your story. Keep on fighting! btw, I’m new here, thanks for giving me my first “like”

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Hi Kayla,

I know that coming here and sharing was difficult, but I’m proud of you for being here.

You’re dealing with a lot of difficult things all at once, and I’m sorry to hear it. You really are a light in the dark for a lot of people around here, and are very valued. I agree with @jillianelizabetta when she said that some members of our community might not be here if it weren’t for your love and support. You’re an incredible person, truly.

Family can be frustrating, whether they’re a bunch of jerks, or people who mean well but go about it the wrong way. Remember, just because they’re blood, doesn’t mean they’re family. Family can be chosen, too - the people you choose to keep in your life and treat like family ARE family. Your HS family loves you. We’re here, we’re listening, and we have your back. If I can help, feel free to message me any time.

Please keep fighting, because you ARE worth it. If you can, start working through ReWrite - it really is helpful.

Sending love and strength,
<3 AnitaBandaid

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Hey Kayla,
So Im out on vacation but will write a small message now and then post a longer one when I have access to more time.

IM SO PROUD. You posted it, despite not wanting To. You are brave and strong even if you dont feel it.

I know things are really tough for you Right now but you Did amazing posting this and we are all here for you.

I love you To the moon and back and I am never gonna be burdend by your troubles. Im never leaving. NEVER. Im gonna help you fight this, Every day.

Stay strong Kayla. I love you

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@Kayla,

You are so brave and so strong I’ve seen you support people on the twitch stream! I can feel your pain and trust me you aren’t alone. You have all of us you have people who believe in you. We want you to stay strong friend and to keep fighting.

Hold Fast friend we have your back here :heart:
PMacDanceDude (Patrick)

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Hey @Kayla,

I’m so sorry to hear that you aren’t doing too great. I want to address your post in a few pieces.

I disagree. You put heart and passion into your replies, and I know that you truly mean every word that you type. Unfortunately, battling demons is a LOT easier said than done, so don’t discredit all of the wonderful advice that you’ve left people on the HeartSupport Wall. I’ve lost count with how many times I’ve felt like a hypocrite by giving advice but find it difficult to apply it to my own life (i.e. “easier said than done”). The point is: You KNOW what the truth is by giving advice to other people, which is essential when it’s time to apply the same “truth” to your personal life during personal battles - it can just be tough trying to get the truth from the head to the heart, and I completely understand.

That’s something to celebrate!! Be proud of yourself for making it 5 weeks sober. Don’t focus on the slip-up. Focus on your victory, and when you’re ready, set a new goal to make it 36 days sober. You’re strong and I 100% believe that you can make it happen.

What I’m about to say is going to sound cheesy, but just go with it. Hypothetically, picture an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other shoulder. What you just said is something the little devil is telling you on one shoulder. What is the little angel telling you? It’s there, but are you listening? Maybe it’s saying something like:

"All of this would not be easier if you weren’t around because:

  • Your parents would mourn the loss of a child and we would mourn the loss of a friend.
  • Just because your parents don’t know how to verbally tell you that they love you doesn’t mean that they aren’t showing it in different ways.
  • You are not burdening people with your crap. In fact, you are inspiring them by relating and empathizing with them, and they need you.
  • Although you feel like you’re disappointing the people you love, that isn’t a fact, so don’t dwell in hypotheses.
  • Sure, maybe you’ll experience no more negative feelings, but what about the flip-side? You’ll also experience no more laughter, no more friendships, no more HeartSupport."

We need you. You’re such a valuable asset. Please keep pushing. I promise you that it WILL get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it WILL. That, I can bet my life on.

-Eric

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@Eric My parents are more than capable of telling my sisters how much they love them. How proud of them they are. Why is it any different with me. They wouldn’t care if I was dead - less energy for them to spend. The people reaching out managed without me before. They will manage without me again.

Dearest @Kayla

I know we have been talking for sometime and I know how big your heart is and all the love you give to others. You have replied numbers of times to my own posts that I want to reply to you with that same love and compassion you give me.

First I want to say I am so proud of you. PROUD that you took the steps to share this. That is never an easy thing. Be proud in knowing that you are loved even though you have relapsed. I know that you took steps to make it 35 days clean. Tomorrow and today were new days and they are not yesterday. What we did in the past is in the past.

So you mentioned parents not loving you. Let me say this I know how it feels to have parents to may do one thing for another child and me feeling like they dont love me the same. But let me say this until recently I was scared beyond compare to even share I was feeling that way. To say that hey it feels like you love ____ sibling more than me. I will say this that truly sometimes the way one parent treats one child is different but that is due to the fact that no two children will have the same way of accepting love. Also if your parents are doing this it is not kind in any way. I know it feels like you arent loved but look at all these replies. Think about this that sometimes love may not be shown in one way of your lives but will be in another. Remember that. Remember that each day love is given just maybe we dont see it. You are not BETTER off dead. This world would not be the same with out the person Kayla is. You are a loved human and a cared about person. I am so glad you are apart of this community.

I want to say that I am always here and I will always listen. I am so sorry you are struggling.

Hold fast because you do deserve this love you do deserve to feel support. This changes nothing you have said to me. NOTHING!

Love you
Ash

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Kayla,

First off, I want to say that your current thoughts / feelings about suicide and not wanting to live do NOT negate all the encouragement you’ve given to people here. I know in the moment it can seem like you’re a hypocrite, for giving words of encouragement to others and then not believing it yourself. I write a lot of encouraging devotionals on Facebook, not only to remind myself of the truth but also to encourage others who are struggling. There are days like today where I don’t even want to get out of bed, cause I’m so sick of life and the mental battle / stress / anxiety I deal with every single day. Yesterday I didn’t want to spend time with God, because quite frankly I was too engrossed in the insane anxiety I was battling to even begin to focus on Him. And you know what? That’s okay. In these moments (or days later), I remind myself that I need to remember those words of encouragement I’ve written in the past. To go back and read them. Because, even though I wrote them to encourage others (and myself) in the past, that doesn’t mean I don’t have to go back and be reminded of them. Likewise, don’t believe your current mindset that tells you all your words you posted to encourage people are null and void. Go back and read those words of encouragement you wrote for other people to remind yourself that they are true for you, too. :slight_smile:

When you are in the trenches, it’s very easy to think that no one would be impacted by your loss. But the truth is, our eyes are blinded when we’re struggling. We’re more susceptible to believing lies.

I haven’t dealt with the same struggles you have. But I do know what it’s like to think things will never get better. In some ways, I’m still in one of those seasons. But I hold on to the fact that the future is unknown and something glorious could be waiting for me in the near future. Even though I can’t see it right now.

It must be so hard fighting the addictions and these thoughts. Right now you can’t see past all the struggle. But hold on to hope, that someday things can get better.

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Dear Kayla,

You may be tired of people saying ‘relapse is part of recovery’ to you at this point. I feel a love and sympathy for you and that thought of having to start over and being so exhausted sounds so familiar to me. I need to tell you how much I treasure your presence and what you have to say, and how even when it isn’t directed to me personally your words are always a support to me. When I relapse I try to think about how streaks are worth celebrating but the really important thing is now. You still have those 35 days, and you have today, and if you relapse again you’ll still have them, not to punish yourself with but to remember what you can accomplish. Thank you for posting this. We love you no matter what.

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Kayla,

I love you. We are here for you. You deserve to be here. You deserve to live. This fight has meaning. This fight is for something- it’s for the better. I’m proud of you, I love you.

Hold fast.

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I stumbled across this and thought of you immediately. You are amazing, and I’m thankful you’re here. Sending love.

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Hey, Kayla. You put some much time, thought, and energy into Heartsupport especially here on the support wall that many people likely would not be here without you. I know that because I am one of them.
Your transparency and honesty is something that continues to inspire many on a daily basis. You are taking steps towards recovery which is a very admirable and strong thing to do. Your past doesn’t define you, it never will. You’ve grown from the time that even I’ve met you and you’ve encouraged so many people it is so inspiring to me. You’ve been such a big supporter of the livestreams and many people’s posts. You through your posts continue to inspire, thank you for being such a big part of this community.
Hold fast,
On The Brightside Support Wall Team
(Ethan, Stephen, JoeJoe, Amanda)

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Kayla.
Please listen. Don’t give up. If not for yourself, then for us. We’d miss you. Just because your family doesn’t love you, doesn’t mean you’re not loved. You feel lost, but you’re not as lost as you think. Others here are lost. And I don’t believe we’re as lost if we’re lost together.
You think you’re a burden to everyone? You’re not.
Some of us here are only just holding on ourselves because we want to help others, to help you, to see and feel these words of hope, kindness, and strength. Some of us are so lonely, but I see your story here and I know that I’m not alone.
You’re not a burden. You can let go of the drugs and the self-harm. You can do this.
I know I don’t know you that well, but I don’t have to to feel like you’re a friend, a sister, someone who understands and cares and makes me and others feel not so lonely.
We love you, we want you, we need you.

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