50 minutes

[Ashwell]

Hello everyone.
These are my usually depresing thougts I have. Today they are about therapy and how I just find it kind of… idk. This is gonna be a longer one and its more for me to keep my thoughts and points in order but you are welcomed to read along.

My first point is that in my case going to therapy served I think only one purpuse. Talking about things and realising that sometimes I dont talk about things that bother me. Thats it. The most of therapy consisted of how was your last week. Rate it and talk about it. Talk about whants bothering you. Here is my opinion and here are some coping techniques to cope with depression. Oh you know them already. Ok. Thats our time. Bye.

Honestly 50 minutes once a week is not that much time. In retrospect It was foolish of me to expect something more of it. My so called “goal” that I stated was that I dont want to get into a situation where I really want to kill myself again. During our last session my therapist basically told me that I have had these issues like deprsession a chronic suicidality for too long and right its more realistic to learn to live with them than to cure them. then she told me she is going to be on a three week vacation and that after we will hit our 10th session we will either continue our sessions once every two weeks or I will stop going because of capacity and the fact tha I am “stable”.

I am going to put this bluntly. My progress towards “not getting to the point of really wanting to kill myself again” has been zero since the day my therapy started. I was already “stable” when I have started therapy. I did not want to become “stable” I wanted to know how to not want to die and more importantly how to want to live. I have got none of that and then I am told that 50 minutes a week is not necessary anymore? Not gonna lie i am kind of annoyed by this.

Like yes my dear therapist I know the coping techniques. I frequntly use them when I feel depressed or suicidal or depersonalized. I want to know how to get past this. How to get to the point I wount have to use them. What is the the point of living. Why is it better to go on living then to die. What is so great about live that people want to live it despite not being happy. Why do the people around me want to keep living when they are miserable themselves. Both my mother and brother have told me that they are not happy and that they want to die at several occasions (usually drunk tho). So why is it that they want me to live? Why am I so depressed and tired despite the fact that I am on my medication and am going to therapy and have a “stable” life? What is it that I am missing? Why does everything seem so pointless and why is it that every scientific fact ever points out to the insignificance of our existence? Is it because it is truly pointless?

Please my dear therapist I need to know? I need to know if this life is worth continuing. I need to know if my 13 year old self was right when it decided to cut its wrists. I need to know if my 19 year old self should have taken more pills and never wake up that one time. I need to know if I should have jumped in fronf of that train when I was 20. And also why is it that they were all right. Why my 13 year old self was right when it thought that if it didnt die a lot more suffering would come. Why the year after I ate those pills was one of the worst years of my life. My 20. year old self was only half right. It thought the situation would not improve. It did. But it was also right when it thought that even if it did improve I would still want to die. So please tell me what is the thing that I am missing? Why should I fight a battle that I am not even sure I want to win?

Oh my dear therapist there are things i would like to discuss with someone whom i can trust. Some of my deepest darkest thoughts, desires and memories. All those things that happened. All of those things which I am made of. All of whatever this is. I would love to tell them about how I hated school. how I was used and manipulated by people because i wanted to help them. How my relationship with my family is complicated. Why I dont believe in choice. Why I dont want to have kids. Why I do the things I do even tho i know they might be pointless. But 50 minutes a week is too short of a time for that and 50 minutes every two weeks is simply impossible. So i am sorry my dear therapist but this just wount work. I will quit this “therapy” because it did not move me any closer to my answers and my goal and even tho it made feel better at the time it did not last. I will have to look for my answer and a person to trust elsewhere. Thank you my dear therapist for your time but I think this is goodbye.

Edit: Ok this got much heavier than I thought it would so for all of you who got to this point here is a joke.
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all its problems.

[Sita]

there is a post i’m still suppose to make, but i’ll just drop a bit of it here. It’s from the philosophy I believe in, derived from our religion, and this is my take on it lol.
In all the paths of life, and how to go about it, the motivations etc, this is the thing I wrote on a piece of paper and stuck in my wallet for years, in the little clear pocket where you put your id card? Yeah, that was what made it all make sense to me.
“Do your duty, but do not concern yourself with the results”
ie: Do your duty (the things you have to do based on your roles and position (jobwise, family wise, society wise) but don’t expect anything as a reward for doing so.

I can go more into it if you’re interested, but this was the most freeing this in the world for me. Because where did most of the bruised emotions come from? From expectations - for how someone should have treated me how someone else should have behaved, from what I expected others to do to acknowledge or praise me for doing The Thing, the things I expected to feel from doing The Thing.

In many ways, you are already dispassionate and unattached, which is another pathway we have. To me, the way your brain works seems to be more aligned to a certain pathway, and it’s hard to do, actually. This is how I imagine some religious persons who have successfully thrown off the ties to the world, feel in some ways.

I dunno if this offers even a tiny bit of comfort to ya or not, but I’m here to be with you through this journey of yours, oh poster above me
You matter, even if you don’t know why any of us matter

You matter, but You’re also matter <---- i see your math joke and raise you a physics one! Love ya Ash!

[Ashwell]

Hi Sita
I think I know what you are talking about. I know Alan Wats . I know I am dispassionate about many things I used to be passionate about. The problem for me seems to be with the do “the thing but don’t expect anything from it” well ok but if I should not expect anything why do it in the first place?

[Micro]

The problem for me seems to be with the do “the thing but don’t expect anything from it” well ok but if I should not expect anything why do it in the first place?

Have you ever experienced that it is the act of doing that creates the reward/expectation? That doing the thing repeatedly actually creates a slow but real type of rewarding system?

I struggle with the exact same as you. I actually remember sharing it in this post: Nothing makes sense anymore and Nate’s + Sheet’s responses nailed it (for me).

It feels like depression creates this impossibility to feel satisfaction for the act of doing the thing. But have you ever repeated the thing enough to see if it actually makes a difference in the long run, and not once or twice? Because it might be where the challenge is. Having to, unfortunately, forcing ourselves to do something because we know it is good for us, but kind of in a robotic mode at first. Then, through the practice and with time, starting to finally feel a little something here and there, just because our mood/energy/motivation is different from one day to another. But also because we learn to be less connected to our thoughts, and more to the experience itself. Because we learn to expect less, and feel more.

A little bit like working out - at first it’s not pleasant most of the time. But after a certain time of practice, you reach a level of strength and endurance that finally allows you to slow down during the moment and actually appreciate it. I don’t know if any of what I’m saying makes sense. (Not ignoring the biological/physical importance of anhedonia either).

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On a different note, I feel like your therapist is not a good fit for you, and you are reaching this point of awareness right now - which brings its share of frustration and may push you to reconsider everything. I also see some concerning things/red flags in what she told you - she seems to decide for you both, and that is not how therapy should work, unless she is a psychiatrist.

When my therapist told me that she would change the location where her meetings take place (a place I won’t be able to go to), on my way home I had a rush of suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. I could see it progressing in my mind, and it felt like all that I’ve done for a year was just about to be thrown away and mean nothing. All of this to say, there are circumstances at play there that also might increase how you feel about yourself and about life, even if it’s been there for a while.

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On another different note, could it be possible that your new meds dosage has initiated this wave of anhedonia? It seems to match a time when it’s supposed to be more effective. I know it probably sounds like a detail to you as the core of what you are feelng right now is not circumstancial though.

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Why does everything seem so pointless and why is it that every scientific fact ever points out to the insignificance of our existence?

In my humble opinion, it is simply because the goal of science (both natural sciences and social sciences) is not to respond to the “why”. The question it asks is “how”. It explains causes and consequences, but not the meaning of things, nor life. That is a far more spiritual and philosophical question. Science helps to understand, but it doesn’t give a reason. Which doesn’t mean life is pointless. It only means that science is one language between others in this world, one that is even culturally identified, and not universal in terms of humans experiences. The question of whether our existence is significant or not, goes far beyond science itself. Science doesn’t say that life is insignificant. It presents facts, and saying whether we are insignificant or not is already a matter of interpretation and perspective.

Your existence is not insignificant for the person who cares about you and uses their own consciousness during the time that is given to them. We may be nothing in the grand scheme of things, but we can mean the world to someone. Should this be overshadowed by science? Why should the here and now be insignificant when love, care, affection are very real too?

[Ashwell]

Thank you for the responce Micro. Appreciate it a lot and it had really helped me. I am currently still at work so I will make a more detailed response once I return but know that I am very grateful for your support

I really appreciate you.

[Micro]

Take all the time you need @Ashwell. Even if it’s not today - it’s okay.

Appreciate you a lot. Still and always proud of you for reaching out and practicing vulnerability as you do too.

[Mystrose]

Your post scares me, because I’m starting therapy soon and I want it to work so badly.

[Ashwell]

Hi Mystrose. Dont be scared there are different types of therapists and just because this was not a good fit for me does not mean that your therapist will not be a good fit for you. Even tho my therapist had not helped me the way I wanted she helped me a little bit. Go into it with an open mind and you will see for yourself. I am hoping it will work out for you.

[Mystrose]

Thank you Ashwell. I haven’t been in real therapy for a very long time, so I have a lot of anxiety about it.

[Ashwell]

I know. It is a very big step in the right direction. Every big step brings an amount of anxiety with it so dont beat yourself up because of it ok .

[Systemofconfusion]

MYSTY DONT YOU DARE READ THIS!! (@°^°@)

Ashwell,

Now that Mysty is gone, (I’m looking at you don’t you dare read me °^°)

I feel the same way. 50 minutes is not long enough, I go every 2 weeks but for me that’s all I need since nothing much is happening. But, I feel like I’m just telling someone a story and nothing is actually being done. I still haven’t gotten on sharing my worst experiences with my therapist, I just, can’t get myself to do it.
If you’re not ready for it, do not let your therapist change the scheduling to every 2 weeks. That is your time and your choice. You’re the one that needs help. Now, if they continue to try and rush you, do you think you could take that as a chance to get yourself to open up more? I know that if I was being forced, I would be more willing to just open up about my past, but seriously, don’t do it if you aren’t ready, this is only if you feel like you’ll never be ready.

I’m really sorry you feel that way, and are at a point you question why living is better than dying. The best idea or reason I could give you on the living, is that the reason is soley different for everyone, and that I actually can’t give you an exact answer. You can climb the highest mountains, explore the deepest caves, study philosophy to the T, but honestly, you won’t find your answer if you don’t find meaning in the tasks you’ve completed to get to that point. The biggest reason you’ll find to live is in the meaning you find in all of your experiences. And maybe you see your life as insignificant and meaningless, but other people see the worth and value in it. They will see the meaning in not only the your life, but the meaning in you. Which also means you can also find your reason to live in your experiences with others ^~^

For example, Kios reason to live atm (he just said this) is to protect his family, explore the world, and hangout with us. As where my reason to live, is to find a way to be happy, help others, learn how to talk to people without pissing them off somehow, have a pet, good friend, and maybe even a partner. And if none of that works out, I’ll rage quit, stop speaking, stay in my own head, and make my own fucking world. Don’t have enough money to help people as of yet, let alone myself, or even living in my own home, but one day maybe I’ll have enough to do at least one of these things, and that’s a reason to at least try.

And, if that doesn’t help, then you can distract yourself. “I don’t see a reason to live.” Okay, let’s give basketball a try. “I don’t see a reason to live” Okay, let’s try playing videogames. “I don’t see a reason to live.” Okay, let’s try making things with arts and crafts. Each and every time you’re faced with that thought, just deliberalty ignore it. Force yourself to treat it as a tiny voice that has no meaning to you, and instead do something that you wouldn’t normally do. Like going outside and hanging out on the swings blowing bubbles and singing your favorite song, or eating a type of food you never had before or combining your normal food with something weird and eating it just to snap yourself out of it. Try to grow succulents for no absolutely no reason. Spray paint your bedroom, (Jkjk. But maybe? ) Just face it with absolute absurdity. Give yourself something different to do, give yourself something more engaging to think about, something that will make you think “AAAAA! Wait what?” And snap you out of it. Who knows, maybe it will actually end up being fun

So, maybe you don’t exactly know your reason to live, and maybe your therapist isn’t really listening very well. Well, tell your therapist you need more time, be straight with them and tell them exactly what you need from them if they want to help you. Just go for it m8. And, if you want something that gives you a reason or helps you find some sort of meaning, you can always make your own reason friend Afterall, you make your own path in life and you can create your own meaning. It’s your mind afterall potential is limitless, creativity is endless, you can figure something out. Eventually.

I’m glad you’re still alive, you have alot of potential in your life, you’re very empathetic, you’ve got a silly sense of humor (｢`･ω･)｢, you’re a very deep thinker (K just adding in: You and Xaii, which is good but sommeeetimes is what makes you stress out in the first place .-.), you’re smart, you’re loyal to those you care about which you should only give to people who deserve it, and you do deserve all the love and care that people give you, even if you may not beleive it. And I hope that maybe one day you can gain enough self worth to love yourself with us <3

Is there at least one thing out of life you would truly wish to experience? Just at least one.
-X

[Mystrose]

@Systemofconfusion

MYSTY DONT YOU DARE READ THIS!! (@°^°@)

I won’t.

[Systemofconfusion]

@Mystrose

I won’t.

You are precious to this world

[Ashwell]

Thank you for the reply friend

I am currently thinking about changing my therapist. It will probably take time tho. I am also thinking about the fact that i will have to basically start over and that kind of sucks.
I am not that bothered by that tho. You my friend and other people here like @Micro @Sita @Mystrose have helped me so much. I am glad to have you all in my life .

@Systemofconfusion

You can climb the highest mountains, explore the deepest caves, study philosophy to the T, but honestly, you won’t find your answer if you don’t find meaning in the tasks you’ve completed to get to that point.

That is a scary thought but honestly I should try doing that. Thank you.

@Systemofconfusion

As where my reason to live, is to find a way to be happy, help others, learn how to talk to people without pissing them off somehow, have a pet, good friend, and maybe even a partner.

Those are some really nice goals i hope all of them come true

@Systemofconfusion

Just face it with absolute absurdity. Give yourself something different to do, give yourself something more engaging to think about, something that will make you think “AAAAA! Wait what?” And snap you out of it. Who knows, maybe it will actually end up being fun

I get some Albert Camus vibes from this. He is one of my favourite philosophers (even tho he didnt think himself to be a philosopher).

@Systemofconfusion

I’m glad you’re still alive, you have alot of potential in your life, you’re very empathetic, you’ve got a silly sense of humor (｢`･ω･)｢, you’re a very deep thinker (K just adding in: You and Xaii, which is good but sommeeetimes is what makes you stress out in the first place .-.), you’re smart, you’re loyal to those you care about which you should only give to people who deserve it, and you do deserve all the love and care that people give you, even if you may not beleive it. And I hope that maybe one day you can gain enough self worth to love yourself with us <3

Thank you so much for this.

@Systemofconfusion

Is there at least one thing out of life you would truly wish to experience? Just at least one.

I would love to have somebody who loves me very deeply and I also love them very deeply back. That is probably what I really wish for. I might sound like a cliche but it is true.