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8 months of misery

Have been dealing with an issue for the past 8 months that has caused my depression to get to an all time low, where there was two times cops showed up at my house to do a welfare check on me. The past few weeks have been sooo good, I’ve been working fine. Been some what happy. The thoughts of wanting to die and the cutting stopped. Up until just now when the issue came back… I can’t really take it anymore and I don’t know what to do or think besides wanting to die to escape the pain caused by this issue. I’ve tried therapy I’m on antidepressants nothing seems to be working. Again I was so good and fine the past few weeks but then today the issue returned and I truly don’t know what to do or even who to talk to at this point sadly… :confused:

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Hey, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. We are here for you. Please, don’t give up! I want to share a video with you https://youtu.be/QFf6opXR1Hc I hope it will help you. I will pray for you

Hi @Alexd2317. I’m sorry that your depression came back. I’m glad you came here to talk about it.

Because you’ve been feeling so well the last few weeks, I’m hopeful for you. It tells me that there’s something that works to help you feel better. It’s just finding what it is so you can put it into practice. Is there something you did or thought, an eye opening moment that caused you to start feeling better a few weeks ago? Or did it naturally happen? When you started feeling depressed again, is there a moment where you had a thought or maybe there was something someone said or did that caused it to come back? It wouldn’t have had to been at the moment your depression came back. It could have been something that happened a few days before that. Sometimes it’s hard to know what triggered the feeling to come back because it’s so subtle that you don’t think it would be affecting you. It would help you find a starting point on trying to heal. It could be an imbalance of the chemistry in your body, and nothing happened. Maybe you just need to give yourself time until you start feeling better again. It’s just something to think about. You don’t have to answer these questions here. They are just something to think about so maybe you can pinpoint why you regressed a little.

Also, try not to forget, sometimes you go two steps forward and one step back. Even though you went back that one step, you still made progress. I know it feels as if you didn’t make any progress, but this is temporary.

~Daisy :hearts:

Cutting ties with the person that was causing the problem was extremely hard but the couple days after doing that I noticed I was getting better. Then all of a sudden last night that person popped back into my thoughts and I immediately got worse. Started to remember what this person did to me emotionally and mentally and that’s when I start to question my life. Thinking about ways to end it. Thinking about reaching out to this person and talking this through or wishing that things went differently with me and this person. Then overall thinking that that will never happen and all that will happen is I’ll get even more hurt and that’s ultimately when I think that giving up is the best option for me.

Hi @Alexd2317. Thank you for elaborating on your situation. It helps me to understand what you’re going through, although I don’t know whether I have a reply that will help or not. I would like to try anyway. You probably know some of the things I’m going to say, but I like to say them anyway and hope that something I say can help in some way.

I understand what you are going through, although my circumstances are a little different than yours.

Six months ago I left a community I was a part of for five years. I lost several friends because they didn’t agree with my decision. As if staying was more important than being treated as someone who mattered. The community leader was considered a friend of mine because I was there from the beginning. In the last three years, I helped with a lot of things she needed help with. The day after I left, I lost someone else I considered a close friend because she told me that I was being emotionally abusive by leaving. That wasn’t a reaction I expected at all.

The thing was, I was being taken advantage of by the leader, and I was being ignored at times. I was being asked to do things that I couldn’t mentally handle because of my issues, and when I said no, I was ignored until I did it. The task was never given to someone else. Sometimes I would come back with something that I needed an answer to so I could move forward in a task, and I wasn’t given an answer to it. I would spend two, three, four months waiting for an answer that never came. It was a terrible situation for me to be in.

I left because it’s what was best for me. There are times that I still grieve for some of the people I lost, because I grew close to some of these people. There are times I still miss the people I lost, and I wonder if I should go back and apologize for what I said when I left, and rejoin the community if at all possible.

But ultimately, I know that leaving was the best decision for me because if I would have stayed, I would still be taken advantage of, and I would still go through the periods of time that I was being ignored unless I was needed for something, and I would still be wondering just why it’s so easy for me to be pushed around and so easy for me to be ignored by them.

Despite our circumstances being a little different, I believe that applies to you, too. By leaving that person, you did what was best for you, and that’s a very good thing. If you reconnect with the person, you’ll probably end up in the same situation, where you’re being mentally and emotionally abused, and that’s a terrible place to end back up in. If you didn’t leave, you’d still be going through it, and healing wouldn’t be an option. You don’t deserve to be in a situation like that.

Grieving has no time limit, nor are there limits on why you grieve. It’s going to hurt until you heal, and then it might still hurt. I believe that whenever we have a disconnect from someone, it’s a learning experience, for both people involved. There’s a quote I like to remind myself of. You may have heard it before.

“People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.”

I completely believe in that quote. It doesn’t make the hurt less, but for me, it’s a reminder that not everyone is meant to be in your life for your lifetime.

Your life shouldn’t be measured by how this person treated you or the fact that they’re gone. You are worth more than what you had to deal with when they were in your life. Have you found anything to “replace” the person? So another friend? A hobby? Anything that will help take your mind off of the situation and help you to keep from harming yourself. HeartSupport is a good start if you haven’t. I started by joining HeartSupport. Then I joined another community that accepts me just as I am. I eventually told the leader about my issues and my past experiences, and he understands what I’ve been through and accepts me, just like that, which is just amazing to me. I’m not completely healed from the community I was in, but it helps to be a part of these two communities.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve gone on too long. I hope something I said helps or points you in a direction to start feeling better with this bout of depression. I hope you start feeling better soon. Sorry if I wrote too much.

~Daisy :hearts:

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Mind if I share a few things to maybe get you a better understanding of what I’m going through?

You go from loving someone, connecting with each other, tell each other absouletly EVERYTHING, you want to be with that person, but yet the tell you someone else is interested in them as well and then end up choosing them over you. Tells you they still wants to be friends. You guys still talk everyday, that person comes over with their kid and dog and cooks you dinner while having a significant other. That person months after that calls you wanting to practice interview questions, send pictures of their outfit to you. Calls you up crying and you talk for hours. All while they have a significant other. Then when you want to tell that person you can’t do this anymore and want to do it in person and set up a meeting, the night before they tell you they already promised their kid that they’d go see frozen 2 and that you can tag along. Odd because they invited you to a movie That they know you’ve already seen, they invited you to a movie with just them and the kid all while having a significant other. Then when you hug goodbye you say you need to tell them what’s been bugging you lately and when you do they dont reply, when you say you want to finish the conversation they say “nope I think you’ve said enough”

Mutually decided beginning of January to go our sperate ways. But there was still something I still wanted to say in person. Say goodbye to her and her kid in person but she just said no that’s not healthy for my kid. Which I said none of this was healthy for your kid. And then she blocked me. I was fine all these weeks up until last night. I’m back where I was in October planning ways to end my life and I just don’t know anymore.

It scares me to love someone so compeletly and to not have them love you back. Which is what I’m going through right now and it’s fucked up my life. But again I can’t help who I love. That may make me look crazy and insane or whatever you want to call it, but I promise you I’m not. I’m just in love and love makes people do the weirdest things. After everything that’s gone on I’m still scared to love her so completely and not to have her love me back and I don’t know when that will go away. I truly don’t.

It’s tough to explain everything without sending you screen shots but that’s the brunt of it. But there you go. I’m 25 years old and I’ve let one person destroy my life completely but yet I still care about her. But she doesn’t. Doesn’t care about how she hurt me. Doesn’t understand what she has been doing was wrong. I just don’t know how to go back to being happy when she’s now all I think about again.

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You don’t need to explain everything unless you want to, but I’m glad that you’re opening up about what happened. That’s a good step in the right direction. No one can deal with everything by themselves.

You’re right. You can’t help who you love. It doesn’t make you look crazy or insane at all. It makes you a person who has feelings, and your feelings matter. I’ve been in love. I know how it feels to be rejected. I know the process I went through to heal, and it’s not fun. But healing can (and does) happen.

You don’t deserve to be the one who always comes in second or third to someone else. Yes, her kid is important and does need to come first in all ways to make sure he or she is healthy, but you deserve to have someone love you first. I know it’s hard to leave someone you love, and I know it probably won’t make you feel better to be told this, but I’m saying it anyway: You don’t deserve to come second. She couldn’t see that. As you said, she didn’t care how it affected you, and it was selfish of her to do that. You did the right thing by going your separate ways. You were right to tell her that what you and her were doing isn’t good for her kid. It was the truth and she needed to hear it. I know you wanted to see her one final time, but to be honest, maybe her saying no was for the best. It wouldn’t have made you feel any better. You would still be left wondering why.

Maybe I’m wrong, I can be wrong about a lot of things, but it sounds to me like you’re still grieving over the loss of her. The way you described her makes it sound like she was your best friend, and that’s hard to lose someone who’s so close. The fact that she’s alive doesn’t matter; you still lost her and you still need to grieve. Even if it was a mutual thing, you still need to grieve. Yes, there are up and downs, and yes, it can take a long time. Grieving doesn’t always have a direct and clear path.

Depression sucks and it’s a part of losing someone. It can also be a part of having someone make you feel as she made you feel.

You’re strong for making it this far. You’re strong for telling her the truth, and for telling her goodbye. It’s a hard thing to do, but you deserve better than what she did to you. Nothing you say can change my mind about what I’ve said here. You matter and you deserve better.

I suggested this before and I’m going to suggest it again: If you haven’t “replaced” her, look for something. Look for an activity that will help get her off of your mind. Some type of hobby that you’ve always wanted to try but never found the time for. While it won’t completely take the pain away, it will help get her off of your mind for a while. And you’ll find that as time passes, it will become easier. She may still be in the back of your mind, and sometimes she’ll be in the front of your mind, and sometimes you’ll become sad, but time will help lessen the pain.

If you think you need to, see a therapist or a counselor. There’s nothing wrong with finding a counselor who can give you the tools you need to process the things that have happened and to help you move on. Sometimes that’s the only way to heal, and that’s ok. That’s something that you’ll need to decide.

I don’t think she’s completely destroyed your life. There would be no hope if she did. I think there’s still hope. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t have been looking to talk to someone about this, but again, give yourself time. Grieve as you need to. Cry and scream if you need to. Punch a pillow. Don’t hurt yourself. Keep posting as much as you need to. We’re here for you.

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