A Beautiful Journal for an Ugly Person (Entry 2) (TW: Gender Dysphoria)

[Rayden]

Where to start, where to start… Y’know, I hate having to “start things up” like this. It gets repetitive, having to explain the jist of who i am. What’s the point of writing this then if I’m just explaining myself? sigh.

So here I am, for everyone to see. (By everyone I mean the one or two people reading my first post. Heheh, they most likely aren’t going to see this…)

…

I’m listening to Lo-Fi hip-hop, as usual. It’s a helpful way to cope with my stress, or what i think is stress. It may be some underlying problem that’s digging inside of me, going deeper and deeper everyday. You’ll never know! Whatever it is, the music calms it down a bit.

I like drifting off when I listen to it. I don’t know where, but it feels good…

Usually.

I’ve found myself crying to it before, many times actually. It brings back memories. Whether they’re good, or anything but, really depends on the song specifically. There are times I cry normally, if I injure myself I would consider that normal crying. Then there are the times where it’s not crying, it’s me having a complete mental breakdown.

At this point I’m just trailing off.

…

I just want- I just want a lot of things right now. Things I can’t have. Or maybe it’s just one thing. To accept myself. I can’t. My mind will not let me. I feel like myself, but I can’t accept it. The way I present myself to people doesn’t match up to the way I feel about myself.

It’s the worst feeling. Having people just assume your gender subconsciously because that’s what you look like, and nothing else. Like this, “Hey there, random human being that just stared at me while passing me in the hallway! You probably don’t know what I identify as, but I look like a boy. So why don’t you assume I’m a boy? Why don’t I just go up to you, and make your life a little bit easier by just straight up lying to you that I am the gender I appear to be? Huh? YOU HAPPY NOW?”

Sometimes I just hate it when people look at me. Even for a second, because I don’t know what they’re thinking about me. This person sitting next to me could’ve looked at me and could’ve thought anything about me! How old are they? Are they going to talk to me?

What’s their gender?

[Micro]

Hey again @Rayden,

Thank you so much for posting all of this here. I appreciate your efforts and really want to acknowledge the victory that it is – to simply let it out, share what’s on your heart and even your thought process as you were typing your post. It is such a strong way to allow yourself to be, just as you are, without having to wear any mask or be subjected to any stigma. You are truly beautiful and enough just as you are. There is so much life within you that is worth acknowledging and celebrating.

I just want- I just want a lot of things right now. Things I can’t have. Or maybe it’s just one thing. To accept myself. I can’t. My mind will not let me. I feel like myself, but I can’t accept it. The way I present myself to people doesn’t match up to the way I feel about myself.

It’s so hard to feel like you can’t be yourself with the world around you. That either it feels too unsafe, or people put you into categories that you just don’t belong to. It feels like you have to be someone else all the time, that you almost have to betray yourself just to have the chance to navigate in this world. It brings this fracture between how you feel and how people actually see you… Knowing all of this, it makes absolutely sense to feel like something is broken, and needing to find some relief with tears at times.

I am myself a very anxious person, which makes my mind go crazy about what others could think about me, all.the.time. It’s exhausting! It feels like having no possibility to rest, and I need to remind myself very often that all of these speculations only happen in my mind, with absolutely zero proof that it is actually what others think about me. These thoughts actually reveal our fears, our uncertainties, our doubts and insecurities. The good thing is that it is possible to learn to have mor econtrol and clarity over these thoughts, to not let overwhelm us at all times. But as any learning process, it surely takes time, patience and opportunities to experience new things as well, like safe and healthy relationships.

I hear you and how hard it must be for you to have your gender constantly mistaken. If I may ask: which pronouns should we use here when we talk? Just to make sure we don’t make these painful reminders more difficult for you, and overall a safe space for you here. (If you don’t want to say it, it’s okay too! No obligation, no pressure).

On a different note, do you feel like beyond stranger outside who don’t acknowledge your actual gender the only obstacle regarding your identity? Do you have the possibility to be your true self and be recognized as such with people who are closer to you (friends, family members…)? If you don’t yet, know that you definitely have a space right here to be yourself unapologetically. You belong and you are loved as you are.

[Whois]

It must be really painful to have people see you and talk and think about you in the ways that don’t align with your true self. It’s those moments that chip away at your self worth and start to fire up the doubt. How can we really know someone we don’t talk to?

There used to be this ad of two potatoes sending their potato son to college and the son wanted to be “insert brand” crisp. We know that they have to be peeled back to become chips or crisps. What we look on the outside doesn’t always reflect our inner selves.

This is a beautiful journal and you sound far from an ugly person. You actually sound like a really great person with a great personality.
I hope that people take the time to get to know you and see the inner you too.
Share the parts of yourself you feel comfortable with because it can take time for others to earn that trust.