A Beautiful Journal for an Ugly Person (Entry 3)

[Rayden]

There’s one thing that has been on my mind, ever since I first read it.

@Micro

It’s so hard to feel like you can’t be yourself with the world around you. That either it feels too unsafe, or people put you into categories that you just don’t belong to. It feels like you have to be someone else all the time, that you almost have to betray yourself just to have the chance to navigate in this world. It brings this fracture between how you feel and how people actually see you…

I’ve wanted to express myself for a long time now. My sexuality, my gender identity, and just- who I am as a human being. I sadly cannot, due to the society I have to live in.

I attend a school in (what I would consider) a very conservative (and religious) place. I cannot tell you where - because I have meant for this to be an anonymous journal - but I can tell you how. Most people here, aren’t really open to the idea of change. If I told some random person in the streets that I was part of the LGBTQ, there would be three scenarios.

1. They wouldn’t even know what it is, and they would become confused as I try to explain it to them.

2. They would know what it is, and be against it. Mainly because more than 60% of the people who live in my community are Christian. (Christians are usually against the LGBTQ)

3. They would know what it is, and be accepting of it. (Though this scenario only has a slim chance of happening)

Heh, it’s not like i’m actually going out onto the streets and yelling at random people that I’m part of the LGBTQ. Just an example…

(Disclaimer: Yes, I attend school)

If i were to go to school as I am right now - Wearing a sweater, sweatpants, and a wool hat - I would be able to walk down the hallways normally. Sure, there would be a couple of people staring, but there’s always someone staring right? Although, if i were to go to school wearing short-shorts, a crop-top, and makeup, (Which is allowed in my school, we have a pretty lenient dress code.) The first second I step into that hallway, a lot of people would start to look at me.

I know they would.

So that is why I struggle to express myself, and that’s just at school. I wouldn’t dare to try and go out in the bare public with something like that. I can’t even think about what would happen. School has rules: No harassment to other students or staff (I’m focusing on the students part here), and no bullying. I know what you’re thinking, “Rayden! There’s always going to be bullies in school, why are you worried about it so much?” and i get it. A school bully can call you the F-slur, and you can report him to the administrators to get him disciplined. Sadly, it’s not like that outside of school. Someone could be walking past you in the grocery store. They could look at you, think you’re ugly, and call you the F-slur. It’s not like there’s an admin for the grocery store to protect people from getting called names.

You just have to deal with it, or stand up for yourself, but I don’t think I would be able to do either.

[SheetMetalHead]

I just wanted to say: welcome to HeartSupport!

I could write a nicely composed response, but I don’t have the attention span for it today, so I’ll just share thoughts.

For what it’s worth, I’m a Christian and I support LGBTQ+. I also live in a conservative religious place, and as the culture wars heat up, it’s making me really uncomfortable. I don’t think conflicted is the right word; I am comfortable in my faith, and I am comfortable in my acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community. I feel like society is pushing people to choose one side or the other though, and that’s upsetting. Lean one way, break the First Commandment (love God). Lean the other way, break the Second Commandment (love your neighbor as yourself). Why can’t it be both? Why can’t people accept other people as God’s perfect creations? Maybe this is making your topic about me, but looping back around, it pains me to see you and your peers in the community being used as the rope in an increasingly aggressive game of tug o’ war between principle factions. I don’t hate you, but I do hate that my fellow Christians don’t accept you.

In one of your earlier posts, you were writing out your stream of consciousness about your anxiety writing out your stream of consciousness. I think that writing style is helpful. It’s real and raw. It’s not crushed though a flattening roller and ground up under a polishing wheel, and I enjoyed reading it. Don’t ever apologize for your style of self-expression, especially when it’s for catharsis in a place like this.

Be well. Looking forward to learning more about your story