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A bunch of things

Well, I honestly don’t know how to start this whole post thing. I honestly don’t know why I am posting this, but here I am. In the past few years, I realized that I am a bisexual woman. For awhile, I thought I was a lesbian because I would often find myself more often being attracted to women over men. Lately, I have noticed that I am very attracted to someone who most likely doesn’t have the same feeling as I do about her. I know that it would never happen. There is so much that would be against us having things work out, so I don’t see the point of telling her since I feel like that would only push her away. I don’t want to lose that friendship because it is really precious to me. So…I just enjoy it for what it is and keep my feelings to myself. I feel like it is one of my lots in life, to be alone at the end of the day. (I play the what-if game more than any other person I know.)

I know that I need to take this time to work on myself & my new career that has finally lined up for me. I ran into my former boss a few days ago and all of that stress and anxiety came rushing back. She made a snarky remark that made me so thankful that I left that job and now in a better one. I am feeling like I finally found my place in the world. I finally have some peace in my life and hopefully other things will fall into place. It will help my mom with her funds because she has helped me a lot this past year due to work situations and unreliable paychecks. I feel like a bad daughter, but I am trying my best.

I guess that’s it.

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Welcome to Heart Support! You probably have good instincts regarding how to remain friends with this person you have feelings for. A lot depends on how long you’ve known each other. A time may come when you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with her. I’ve been approached by guys, although I’m straight. I take it as a complement, even though I’m not interested sexually. I feel very close to 2 lesbians’ and 2 gay guys, and have a special affection for them because of the challenges they face, and still maintain their integrity and compassion.

I think there’s a good chance your friend may feel similarly about it as I do, and at some point, sexual orientation may not interfere with an authentic and open hearted friendship. As I mentioned earlier, you’re instincts about revealing your feelings at this time, are probably right, yet you might feel safer with self-disclosure later on.

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Thank you for your reply. I have a good gut instinct and I have burnt myself before by not taking it into account when I should have. I know that it is sometimes good to take some risk and see what the result is…but I just feel like it is better to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I don’t know. I wish I was brave. I wish I didn’t get extreme anxiety when I think about losing that friendship. We have known each other for quite away and when I list things out…the cons outweigh the pros. I just…ugh…I wish…I don’t know what I wish for anymore. When I reflect on my life, I have seen where I was a year ago compared to now and it is amazing. But, I still am exhausted from hiding parts of myself from the world. I am not really out to most people in my life, because I feel like I don’t need to be out because I don’t have anyone in my life that is a romantic partner or anything like that.

Sorry. I am rambling again. It’s so pointless. Ugh. Why am I like this?

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi JustAnother, welcome to the forum and thank you for posting your thoughts. Having feelings for a good friend can be complicated for sure. Even not saying anything can become very complicated with emotions and the uncertainly can be hard to deal with. It’s hard to figure out what to do, but for me I would tell the person because you never know, they could feel the same way about you. If they don’t, then you know and you can move on, hopefully still with your friendship. If they do, how awesome would that be? That’s just my 2 cents on that. I hope it helped and again, welcome! ~Mystrose

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From: Who.is

the friend/relationship side of things can be hard and a bit tricky. You sound extremely wise choosing to keep a friendship over anything. Have you been able to talk to people about what you’re feeling?
Sounds like things have been in a good place for you of late, but it also sounds like you’ve been putting pressure on yourself to “repay” your mum. I’m sure she would think you’re a wonderful daughter. We all need people in our lives to support us and to love us, and we equally share that role in each other’s lives. Those people don’t want to kick us while we are down and think bad about us. Enjoy the good place you’re in because you deserve to!

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Welcome to HeartSupport, It sounds like you have a lot on your mind and my first thoughts were that you seem so hard on yourself, it sounds like you try so hard to make things right in your life and that you are doing a really good job? yes of course not everything falls into place but all anyone can do is try and I am sure your Mum apprciates you for your worth and loves you just as you are. I am also pleased that you are not around that boss anymore, they dont sound very nice at all so its great that you wont be bumping into them again any time soon. As for the friend that you are attracted to? that is a big decision to make and yes you could well have made the right one, its very complicated to have feelings for a friend as of course it can indeed lead to a lost friendship and that would be very sad indeed, However if you wanted to take the chance in the future, if you felt something had changed then go for it, as you never know what is around the corner for you. I wish you lots of luck with everything and we are always here if you want to talk anymore. Much Love Lisa.x

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From: Rohini_868

hi there JustAnother,
Welcome to HS, it is lovely to meet you!

I am so happy to hear that you’ve found a new career and you seem to like it more already!! I really hope that you can use that encounter with your previous boss to remind yourself that you have indeed escaped that toxic environment!! Sometimes it can be useful to see bits of the past so we can remember how bad it was, and how much better things have become!

It’s also wonderful that you can help your mom more. I’m sure you’re not a bad daughter - I can feel how much you appreciated all of her assistance in the past and how you’re happy to be able to help her now!

I do hope that as life continues on, and you keep growing and learning about yourself, that you show some kindness and grace to yourself, and that you allow yourself to feel proud of all that you have accomplished. There’s no race or no comparison - just you and the you you are today, who sounds pretty awesome. I know you’re in a little quandry with telling your friend about your feelings, or not, and there’s no right answer to that. It’s great to have a friend at work that you have connected with. I hope that that situation works out for the best, but if it doesn’t, I want you to know that you’ve been very brave in acknowledging your feelings and finding out more about yourself as well. Wishing you the best, friend! Glad you’re here with us :slight_smile:

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From: Dr Hogarth

Hi JustAnother,

I can completely relate to the uncertainty and anguish you are feeling in the situation with your friend at the moment. I recently went through a similar situation and it drove me crazy; I felt my life was spiralling out of control. For me, the uncertainty of the situation, not knowing what would happen if I told them how I felt or if they felt the same, was the thing causing me anxiety. They were also a friend that I knew I could bear losing if they had reacted badly to telling them how I felt. I guess these are things you should consider when deciding to tell your friend about your feelings for them. If the fear of losing their friendship is greater than the anxiety caused by the uncertainty, then maybe you should be cautious. Ultimately though, there is no wrong decision here, and you should go with what your instincts tell you.

A good friend of mine pointed out to me today that people often leave the thing that’s bothering them most at the end of a post. From what you wrote here, I don’t think you sound like a “bad daughter”. It sounds like you hit some hard times and are now trying your best to repay the kindness your Mum showed you. Situations like the one with your friend can make life seem out-of-control, but you have control my friend. You have a new job, things are going well for you right now, you have found your place in the world. You’ve got this x

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Thank you for everyone for your replies. I read them all…several times. I went and told her how I felt about her. She doesn’t feel the same way. She asked for space. So basically…I screwed it all up for nothing. I lost a good friend who knows all of the demons I have faced and still deal with it. I just…I don’t know anymore.

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It finally occurred to me that even in an “anonymous” forum, the feelings are real, hence those feelings are really at risk. Therefore, you are brave to express them. Regarding your friend, the length of time known isn’t the only criteria for investing trust with every issue. It’s a combination of that and the experience you’ve had with that person. You can know someone for ten years, but never have discussed certain sensitive issues.

Is it the hiding, or the feeling of being obliged to share more than you want to? You have an absolute right to every bit of privacy you desire. Some people profess open mindedness, but send mixed messages, and they’re not always verbal. Someone really close to me was like that for over twenty years, but eventually came to a point of consistent openness and comfort with the idea of different orientations.

I’m pretty sure you can trust your friend’s intentions, but you need to feel safe with the concept of sharing such feelings with her. There’s no need to rush it or feel compelled to do so.

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but… you didn’t lose a friend.
She asked for time to process this new information.

You didn’t screw it up for naught. You got to express your feelings to her. Not everyone will always feel the same, or be able to go forward with us even if they do feel the same.

Give her some time and space, that’s a fair thing to ask. You took some time to work out your feelings, she needs the same now to work out her feelings. I hope that the friendship continues for you, but at least now you won’t regret hiding your feelings from her?

We’re here for you, please share whatever you need to, to help yourself cope with this.