Hi everyone. I read a few posts and decided to make an account.
Like many people I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy all the time. Even though I have great people all around me I still can’t shake the feeling. It was triggered by my parents divorce when I was 9. The aftermath of it was hard, especially for a 9 year old who couldn’t understand why his parents don’t want to live together anymore.
I’m now 18 and most of my days are plagued by thoughts of self-harm and how much of a burden I am to everyone around me. The one thing that has probably kept me alive all these years is not being afraid to talk about how I am feeling. That was until about 8 months ago when I realised that me spilling my problems to people was probably having an effect on them. So I stopped. I definitely do feel worse but at least my friends don’t have to worry about me as much. I graduated from high school last year so I only have 1 friend that I see regularly at work and other than that I don’t see anyone. When I go to parties some of my friends would ask how I’m doing and all I can say is: “I’m fine”. I’m not at all, but I don’t want them to worry about me, nor do I think they would care.
So now I feel like I have no option but to stay quiet.
I don’t really see the point in being alive and to be honest I don’t know what it is that keeps me here. Most of the time I just wish it was over. Or I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I live with my Dad and my Step Mum and I think they’d love nothing more than for me to move out. I always screw up which hurts cause they have always done so much for me and I am just not good enough for them.
I’ve become such a failure and I don’t see the point of getting help cause I think it’s too late anyway. It’d be a waste of money. Because if I was to get better, who would care enough to get to know the new and improved me?
I could probably lie in bed and cry all day
I read a post before, and a woman was saying how she hears about people dying in unfortunate circumstances and she wishes it was her instead. I feel the same way. I don’t want to be here. I am a waste of space and life wouldn’t change for no one if I wasn’t here.
If you’ve gotten this far, I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read. I don’t know what I want to come out of this, but maybe writing how I feel will do me good.