A burden to the world

Hi everyone. I read a few posts and decided to make an account.
Like many people I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy all the time. Even though I have great people all around me I still can’t shake the feeling. It was triggered by my parents divorce when I was 9. The aftermath of it was hard, especially for a 9 year old who couldn’t understand why his parents don’t want to live together anymore.

I’m now 18 and most of my days are plagued by thoughts of self-harm and how much of a burden I am to everyone around me. The one thing that has probably kept me alive all these years is not being afraid to talk about how I am feeling. That was until about 8 months ago when I realised that me spilling my problems to people was probably having an effect on them. So I stopped. I definitely do feel worse but at least my friends don’t have to worry about me as much. I graduated from high school last year so I only have 1 friend that I see regularly at work and other than that I don’t see anyone. When I go to parties some of my friends would ask how I’m doing and all I can say is: “I’m fine”. I’m not at all, but I don’t want them to worry about me, nor do I think they would care.

So now I feel like I have no option but to stay quiet.

I don’t really see the point in being alive and to be honest I don’t know what it is that keeps me here. Most of the time I just wish it was over. Or I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I live with my Dad and my Step Mum and I think they’d love nothing more than for me to move out. I always screw up which hurts cause they have always done so much for me and I am just not good enough for them.

I’ve become such a failure and I don’t see the point of getting help cause I think it’s too late anyway. It’d be a waste of money. Because if I was to get better, who would care enough to get to know the new and improved me?

I could probably lie in bed and cry all day

I read a post before, and a woman was saying how she hears about people dying in unfortunate circumstances and she wishes it was her instead. I feel the same way. I don’t want to be here. I am a waste of space and life wouldn’t change for no one if I wasn’t here.

If you’ve gotten this far, I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read. I don’t know what I want to come out of this, but maybe writing how I feel will do me good.

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Hey Jam, welcome. I’m glad you made an account and joined.

I feel like a lot of the time we back ourselves into a corner with our problems until we just shut up about everything; 'cause it’s easier to say you’re fine than to try and deal with the chore of explaining what you’re going through to somebody.
But you did just that, right now. And I’m not sure you realize, but it was incredibly brave and I’m thankful for that.
You are here for a purpose my friend, and I know right now everything seems bleak, mundane and depressing but it will get better. And if getting professional help is the next step for you, then money should be an afterthought; your mental health comes first. It is NOT too late, people DO care, and we WANT to see you grow past this. The words ‘worthless’ and ‘inadequate’ do not define you. And if you hear those words in your head, replace them with “I am worth it” and “I am enough”. You are worth it, and you are enough.
Please keep posting about how you’re doing, you matter.

Hang in there friend,

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Whenever you say “I’m fine” at least one person always hears you. You hear yourself saying “I’m fine” when you know that you are not. If you’re lying to yourself how can you trust yourself? Maybe this is happening subconsciously. Maybe you are aware of it. Maybe it isn’t happening at all because I’m not a therapist and even if I was, I haven’t met you in person. For the sake of trying dubious things recommended by strangers, instead of muttering “I’m fine,” mutter “I’m not okay.” Most people will either not notice or not care and move on to the next person after about thirty seconds. It’s eerie. Some people will care and some of them will care enough to listen. And if you don’t find one of the people that will listen, you are here, in a website full of listeners eager to help if for no other reason than that fixing someone else’s problems is easier than fixing our own.

Being eighteen comes with the expectation that you are going to mess up, especially when you are trying something new like entering into the strange world where adults can be your peers and bills become a constant. Many adults twice your age still don’t know what they are doing. Being human means that you will mess up over and over and over and that applies to everyone, including parents. There’s always some reason to feel not “good enough.” Especially when you can not know what “good enough” is. Could you, with your strengths and limitations, be reasonably expected to do better than what you did? Could someone else with your strengths and limitations be reasonably to do better than you did? Are you going to yell at them and repeatedly call them a failure and shout that they aren’t good enough? You keep doing it to yourself. Don’t.

I like the bed idea. I don’t know if I should, but I do. Especially if you have a soundproofed room or some place nobody can hear you. On a nice Weekend, go to this place and cry for as long as you can. Then scream for as long as you can. Wrap your hands in old clothes that you don’t wear and start punching things. Cycle through these things until you can’t do any of them anymore and then quietly get out something that you cherish and use it. Read a book you love. Listen to some music. Play a game. And then do it all over again the next weekend. And the one after that. And the one after that until you can’t do it anymore. Then start again when you need to.

You aren’t anywhere nearly remotely strange because you fantasize about death, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are suicidal, especially if the method you fantasize about isn’t something that you can actually do.

You Are a Blessing, Not A Burden My Friend.
You Are Someone’s Hero And Champion.
Many People Would Care To Get To Know The New And Improved You.
Also, Never Forget That Many People Love And Appreciate You For Exactly Who You Are Currently.
And If You Feel That You Need To Improve Yourself To Embody Your True Potential,
Many People Will Be Inspired By Yor Focus On Bettering Yourself My Friend. Much Love and Hugz!

“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
Mark Twain

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