Hello, I would really just like some thoughts on my past experiences…and maybe a little advice as well lol.
I remember scrummaging through 4 photo albums of my childhood, each thicker than the length of my hand from my wrist to the tips of my fingers, and the weirdest thing is that out of the hundreds of photos I looked at, spanning almost 7 years of my life, I smiled less than 10 times.
Of course, it made me wonder, because these were the bulk of my photos from my childhood, whether I just despised the camera or if my childhood wasn’t as happy as I thought it was. Turns out, it’s possible that it’s the latter.
Most parents are supposed to understand 75% of a child’s speech by 3 years of age (according to KidsHealth) but according to my mother, I never spoke a single word until I was enrolled in a special-ed program. By then, I was already 3 years old and a few months.
Now that I really look back, during my 12 years in elementary school, I had quite the tendency to lie to other kids. I remember lying about the fact I played soccer when I didn’t so, I remember lying to my best friend and making her angry, I remember lying about having a pet, lying about my grades, lying about various upon various of hobbies…and it just seemed like much of my childhood (at least at the dawn of my social life) didn’t seem very genuine. I could never talk to other kids about me, and that might be linked to my special-ed days in preschool.
In junior high and high school, I suddenly became a very good student. But it just became another type of mask that I started to wear. I would get good grades, I would have teachers and friends praise me, I would get awards, and I wouldn’t have to say a thing. I had some friends at this time, and I’m indebted to them, but I couldn’t still talk to people very well…and I lied about myself occasionally, but not as often as before.
I am turning 20 this year and I am going into my 3rd year of university, and one would expect that I would be a completely changed person from my former self, but hints of it come up often, even affecting my daily life. As of now, I’ve always been quite lonely and developed lots of flaws I’m not proud of and that I will admit now for the first time. (Because it’s probably good that I do lol)
I am scared of constructive criticism (but I guess I’ve gotten better since uni),
I don’t trust people very well,
I can’t converse with people without feeling like I want to run away,
I don’t have a strong sense of self-worth,
I am stubborn to change because I am scared of committing to it,
I am a little bit of an attention-seeker (although an insecure, quiet one),
I cannot speak about my feelings to even my parents and counsellor(s),
I like to cry occasionally (preferably alone) and
I am so used to avoiding so many opportunities that I oddly feel more comfortable being alone when I know that I shouldn’t feel this way.
As of now, I feel like a failure, even though I had to overcome so much to get here. I still find moments where I hate myself. But more so, I feel a little…lost?
For me, I am trying to expose myself more, little by little, day by day, to a new type of reality where I can finally open myself up—typing down all of my feelings here is included—and find some sort of self-worth within myself. I didn’t realize I had so much baggage before this moment, but the worst part is that I don’t know how to deal with it.
The past is in the past, it is something I cannot change. I can change my future but, it’s like my past keeps coming back to control me. I have two versions of the same person manifested inside the same body, and it’s so hard to know which version is the real me sometimes. (This is only metaphoric lol). But yeah, I have my past self, the little child inside my heart constructed of deception, and insecurity and the current me, who is more open to things, but then again, not entirely separated from that little child in me, but more like…built on top of it.
My point is, sometimes I feel like I want to avoid people and run away from conversations (and other commitments) not because of the situation, but because I genuinely feel it is ingrained in me, ever since that silent 3 year old me was made into existence. Call me existential if you’d like, but it’s like the loneliness has been weaved through every part of my body, and that it really is me.
Anyways, I would really appreciate another perspective on this, because even if I don’t like getting other perspectives, I know that I should. Also, thank you for taking the time to read this loooooong story of mine haha :’)
Have a nice weekend~
Kat
