I’m so very sorry for the loss of your dad and your grandpa. It is so hard when you navigate the pain of grief, feel like finding some kind of peace again even if the pain doesn’t go away, and then all of the sudden life hits you again an reopen these wounds in such a brutal way. My heart goes out to you, friend. It must have been so hard to say goodbye to your grandpa so suddenly.
It makes sense to withdraw from what you’ve been used to do. To just isolate yourself and somehow give up yourself. Losing people we care about so dearly is truly unfair. After losing a couple of family members in a short time, then my big brother to a rare disease, at first I survived by throwing myself into work and studies. But once the reality of it has hit me differently, I felt extremely depressed and just didn’t see the point of life. It doesn’t always make sense to see ourselves being here while beautiful people have left for such unfair reasons. There’s just a part of us that refuses all of this. Not mentioning the physical and emotional exhaustion it creates.
How you feel is absolutely valid, friend. However, I really want to emphasize how much you are deserving of living a fulfilling life, and to learn to compose with the void they left so it doesn’t prevent you from embracing what life has to offer to you. I obviously didn’t know your dad and grandpa, but I imagine that one of their deepest wishes for you would be to give yourself a chance, to not give up on yourself, and to live your best life. There has been many times, when I was so sad, defeated and angry, that the only thingthat really drove me was the thought that my brother would want me to keep going, to keep trying, to ask for help when that is necessary. To give myself the chance he didn’t have. I can’t help thinking that maybe he can see me wherever he is, and the idea of just making him proud of me is so powerful. The energy it gives is something that only the love we had, and that I still carry within me, can create. The love you feel in your heart, that you have for your dad and grandpa, holds the potential of a strength that can keep carrying you on in this life. They may not be here anymore physically, but the love never stops. Damn, it goes beyond any f*cking disease. It is unstoppable. And it is a force that you still have within you, but need to learn to carry on for two.
I would like to encourage you to seek grief counseling, friend. It is okay to ask for help in such circumstances. We know death is part of life but we are not necessarily equipped to deal with it at first. We need to create spaces and times where we can use our voice, share our heart, tell our story and experiences. So we can keep shouting to the world how beautiful are the people who are not here anymore. So we can convey the love and the many ways of how they impacted us positively.
You deserve to be supported and find your way again. The pain doesn’t go away, but we can learn to give it a space in our life that doesn’t prevent us to live either. There is so much more to experience for you, my friend. Don’t give up on yourself.