I’ve known this guy for almost two years. When we met, I was going through some very rough stuff. I was in the middle of a severe depression and my family was not supportive whatsoever. I didn’t trust anybody because of my past. When we met, I was closed off and he accepted that. He accepted everything about me. He saved my life on several occasions and was the first person to tell me that getting sexually harassed was not my fault. He helped me realize that I needed to love myself and that I was worthy of being loved. After about 6 months, my best friend told him that he cant meet me and he left. Then after about 4 months, I reached out again. I told him I’d changed, that I was out of depression, and asked if we could start again. He agreed. We’d talk for hours, he trusted me, and I trusted him. We made plans to meet up, but he always had some excuse and the one time he did show up, I blew him off because he’d showed up at a horrible time. There was one time that I’d been abused by my family and he stayed up till 7am crying about everything I’d been through. That night, he told me he’d marry me and that it wouldn’t be settling. He made a promise to always be there for me and told me I could come to him whenever I needed to. After about two weeks, he became really distant. I’d prayed I wouldn’t lose my heart to him again, buuuuuut I did and he knew that. He kept telling me that being together was a definite possibility but we had to meet before we could become closer. Right now, he barely replies once every several days. About a week ago, I asked him how much I matter to him and made him promise not to lie and he said on a scale from 1-10, I meant and 8 to him. Why cant I see that? As a guy, is he even interested in me as more than a friend? I feel safe when I talk to him and he means a great deal to me. Some of my best memories are of him and me talking. Bruh this guy even gave me a nickname. He knows I’m fucked up, but that doesn’t scare him off. I have feelings for him, I do. Even if I like someone else, there’s always that part of me that knows I’d choose him if he ever showed interest in becoming more than friends. Maybe I’m insane, but I’m curious if he’s scared to commit. I keep telling myself that if I’m patient, he’ll change. I keep telling myself to give it time, but how much? He was the first guy I ever trusted or loved, so I can’t simply pretend he doesn’t exist and move on, but I’m also sick of waiting around for someone who goes out and gets drunk at 2am. I might always love him, but he doesn’t seem to want to give loving me a chance. A couple days ago, he spent the night in jail because he saw a guy put his hands on a female and he pressed him. The guy had taken out a knife and so he, the guy I know, broke the other guys jaw. If he did that for a female he didn’t know, I can’t begin to imagine what he’d do to my brothers. Is that wrong? He says he cares and that we could be together, but I’ve been loyal for so long and it doesn’t seem to make a difference to him. What should I do?
Guy here. If he was genuinely interested, he’d be all in. That’s not to say he isn’t empathetic or that he doesn’t care, but for some reason he’s not ready to commit. You can spend years driving yourself insane trying to figure him out, and that’s not fair to you. I was insanely in love with my ex, and she did the hot and cold thing too. When things were good, she understood me, knew how to make me feel alive, and talked marriage. When things were bad, I told myself to be patient and continue to love her with everything I had, and that she’d come around, but every time we got close she pulled away and started pursuing new, strange guys. After a year of that I finally cut the cancer out and cut her off, but 5 years and a happy marriage later, I still feel the scars. You need to do what’s right for you in your own time, but it’s unfair to leave yourself hanging on his whims. He needs to figure himself out first before he can commit to loving you.
Meanwhile, and I know you don’t want to hear this, but you are young and have so many opportunities before you! In the short time I’ve read your posts, I’ve seen you to be caring, empathetic, encouraging and insightful. You are special. Don’t settle for a guy who doesn’t want to grab onto that and never let go. Letting go of love hurts so so much, but you can grow and learn from it, and you can be better prepared to meet the next guy who comes along and appreciates you enough to make you a priority.
That means so much to me. As for being caring, empathetic, encouraging, and insightful, that means a lot too. I live to make others feel better because I know how hard it is to fake happiness. I will do anything and everything I can to make people feel loved and worthy of life. I’ve been through so much myself, to lose people who become important, hurts so much. I will take your word for it though. I think I’ve known for a while that I need to let go and let myself grow as a person, I’ve just been too scared to actually do it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and reply! <3