A Crashing World

I was going to better. Everything was going to better. But some stuff, never leaves you. And some stuff I can’t tell because they are so disgusting, is not leaving me. I can feel it dragging me down. I hid those from everyone until few days ago. I shared it some of my friends. And like I thought, its serious. Those disgusting thoughts I can’t tell because it will make everyone hate me, is taking my life away from me. Thoughts are 1 step away from becoming a reality and thats my self control. But like everything else, Im afraid my self control will go too. The most disgusting thing is I want them. I can’t believe what I have become. Now I remember why I hated myself this much. At this point my world is just crashing. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I hope it was my OCD making tricks but its not since I want them. I am still deciding if I will kill myself or not. Living like this is hard, really hard.

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Thank you for sharing. You are definitely not alone in this. And I’m sure how hard it was to even share with your friends. This community we have here is to support you and not judge or hate you/look at you and different. What you are worried about is those thoughts inside your head telling you that people will look at you different. It’s bringing you down but there are ways to get back up and fight. I am here to listen more friend.

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It’s basically porn and computer addiction. I literally have those for a decade now. And I’m 17 and yes I discovered both of those really early.

I don’t want to die. But my mind gives me thoughts. Which is OCD according to my doctor. It just… doesn’t matter anymore. Both of my addictions and my mental illnesses makes me tired. And dying seems like a good choice. We don’t really have good mental health services here. I am by my own sadly.

I just have lost all of my hope again. My addictions are literally going passive if I don’t do them, I mean like they don’t disappear they come back even tho I didn’t played games for a time, it came back.

I wish I could die in a painless way.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi E_Man, I’m sorry that you’ve had so much trouble with addiction and mental illness. It’s not easy, you’re not alone. I just want you to know that you are loved and you matter. ~Mystrose

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Hi @E_Man

I am sorry you are struggling so much with this, I cannot imagine how this is for you, it breaks my heart to see how hard you are being on yourself, you do not deserve it.
I believe there is one person who can really respond well to you here and I am going to @NateTriesAgain.
E_Man, you and your life is worth so much more that any addiction my friend. You are a wonderful person and you are truly loved.
Lisalovesfeathers. x

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Hello @E_Man

I’m so sorry you have been going through all this pain lately with your addictions. I know it can’t be easy and it takes a lot of courage to open up to friends. I hope you are doing a little better today and have perhaps had some time to process how you were feeling the other day.

Something I know is that your life has so much worth and you are worthy of living. You are not your addiction and this is just something you have to work on. It is not WHO you are. It is an barrier to who you can be, but is is not you. I know you have the strength in you to overcome this in the long term. You have our full support and we are here for you as you keep on this journey.

Sending you thoughts of resolve, strength, and perseverance <3/Mish

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From: twixremix

hey friend,

thank you for sharing this update, my friend. your vulnerability is appreciated and i’m so thankful we have this heartsupport community here to feel comfortable to share these things with. i read your reply to mattymac and understand you’re facing a porn and computer addiction. i think when people first hear this, their mind discounts it as not being serious when in reality, it’s just as harmful to your life than any other addiction. and the way it’s pushing you to contemplate suicide and thinking this is what you are is rough! you are much more than your addiction and when you’re ready to take steps to overcome it, i know you’ll rise higher than anyone could imagine. in the meantime, i definitely suggest giving this vod from heartsupport a watch:

nate shares thoughts on addictions and how our minds perceive them - very cool, motivating, and interesting! would love to hear what you thought about it if you have the time to check it out :hrtlegolove:

i am here for you, my friend, and i believe with everything i got that you will make it out to the other side. i believe in YOU.

love,
twix

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Hey E_Man,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such hard times and thoughts right now, friend. Please know that you aren’t alone in this. You have the community here that will always lend a listening ear, and some support back. There are wealths of online crisis resources that are there when the struggle with self hard becomes difficult.

Addiction is one of the hardest things to overcome in life. Especially at a younger age. Please know that this isn’t what life has to be like, and there is so much good that the world has to offer. And I am 100% sure there is so much good in you that you can offer back to the world.

We are here for you, friend. You are loved, and you have worth.

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey there, E_man :hrtlegolove: I’m sorry that this addiction and these thoughts are constantly weighing on you. I don’t have any specific advice I can give you but I just want to make sure you know that we hear you and we are always here for you.
Regardless of what bad thoughts are in your head the fact that you don’t want to hurt anyone speaks volumes and I want to make sure you always know that. That right there is one of the most important qualities one can possess. The desire to not cause others harm or pain. It means that you have empathy and you know that other people matter just like you matter. And you do and I hope you continue to fight for yourself and keep pushing when things get hard.

Keep talking. Keep trying. You’ve got this :hrtlegolove:

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Hello E_Man,

I am so sorry that you are going through so many things right now. I want you to know that you are NOT defined by these things. You are so much more than your thoughts. Life can be difficult, but it can also be wonderful. Give yourself grace. Be kind to yourself. You are worth it.

You are valid. You are enough. You are worthy. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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