A dark place

My life is a mess. Nothing has gone right, I feel like a failure, and don’t see the light in the future. Been dealing with depression for the last few years, but it’s gotten to a new level. I’ve been out of college since May, and am still jobless with absolutely no luck. I’ve just been trying to get something that will allow me to try and enjoy life again, but even this has proved difficult.

My depression has become my true self, and it’s all I am. I’m either 100% showing my depression/darker side, or I’m putting on the smile to appear normal. Every second I remember my mistakes, my lack of income and independence, my complete loneliness, and all the rest. I feel like a complete failure at this point especially with everyone around me doing so well, and enjoying life. Everyone I graduated with has a good job, a relationship, happiness, and direction. I’ve got nothing…

Is there even a point anymore? I don’t think there is any fixing myself. I’m in a constant state of emotionless darkness that I cope with by drinking and wishing I didn’t exist. Everything I thought I knew has changed and I don’t know who I am anymore.

My interests are all gone, my faith and belief has been destroyed (only to be told “just go to church it’ll be better, pray for it, or it’s my fault”), I don’t sleep, eat, I drink too much, and no one in my family seems to understand this. Are things probably this bad, likely not, but at this moment to me they feel this way and I can’t shake the feeling.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do, as I don’t see a point. This cycle will just continue and won’t ever end. I don’t have any positive thoughts yet no one knows because of the mask I show. I’ve been on antidepressants for a while, and those have stopped doing anything except make me sick.

Everything is just wrong with me. Can’t get a job, don’t have any happiness, am completely alone even when surrounded by others, my entire belief system is gone, family is no help or makes it worse, friends don’t help ( all say pray or go to church). I just don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m going to do and at times worry about what I’ll do as my thoughts only ever get darker and darker.

I’m so lost and alone in my mess of a life…

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I can feel so much of this! Being drowned in depression for so long can make you feel like a whole different person. It’s like being mentally chained with no way of getting free from the pain and suffering it’s causing. Depression is the reason I was doing so poorly in college and eventually left after receiving a academic probation letter. For many years after, it took a hold on my life to the point where I just stopped caring about life in general; including my overall well-being (physical and mental). I started to eat less during the day, shower less often to the point where I wasn’t bathing for 2 weeks straight at times; talked less with people to the point of isolating myself in my room only to come out to eat, go to the bathroom, go out to appointments or whenever my parents came by to visit. This went on for YEARS and I never was able to tell my family because I didn’t think it was something they’d understand (masked it from them).

Present-day, I still feel misunderstood with my mom about my mental health (my dad’s already passed at this point), so I had to find a new way of expressing my thoughts and feelings which was through journaling. It’s helped me tremendously with organizing what I’m thinking or feeling on a certain day and I can keep track of the changes of my thinking throughout a particular period.

In short, I hope you can eventually find a time and place where you can get some guidance and some direction. If you can’t find it outside of this forum, this community will be here ALWAYS if you need help. We don’t want you to go this alone.

HOLD FAST!

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Hey friend, thank you for sharing your thoughts with such detail. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to feel better with everything that is happening to make you feel the way you do. You may not be aware, however, by addressing how you are feeling is the first step to the path of healing. Lamenting your sorrow and making it known is a strength and can be very difficult to do when you feel worthless.
I’m sorry your friends have responded the way they did when you attempted to reach out for help…I promise God would never turn you down that way. I suffer from depression almost every or every other day. Church didn’t “save me.” Nor did my career or financial successes. Furthermore, there isn’t a single person in this world that is “always happy” with his or her life. That is social media nonsense! Social media is mean’t to be a place to connect, yet we find ourselves comparing to the fake lives of other people. The truth is we all suffer at some degree. Some days are hard and difficult. While others are full of laughter and joy.
My encouragement to you is to seek a counselor you can just lament ALL of your thoughts and feelings to. I also encourage you to seek God directly (if you decide to) and tell Him exactly how you feel…don’t worry to filter anything. Trust me. You can also journal your thoughts and try new things to keep your mind out of depression.
I still struggle with depression and anxiety A LOT. However, based on where I was 9 months ago, I have improved by taking steps slowly into the path of healing. It’s not easy to look at yourself and feel wanted or important. Although, you took the time to reach out today so that shows you that you still matter. Keep talking friend. We are here to listen to your story.

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