My life is a mess. Nothing has gone right, I feel like a failure, and don’t see the light in the future. Been dealing with depression for the last few years, but it’s gotten to a new level. I’ve been out of college since May, and am still jobless with absolutely no luck. I’ve just been trying to get something that will allow me to try and enjoy life again, but even this has proved difficult.
My depression has become my true self, and it’s all I am. I’m either 100% showing my depression/darker side, or I’m putting on the smile to appear normal. Every second I remember my mistakes, my lack of income and independence, my complete loneliness, and all the rest. I feel like a complete failure at this point especially with everyone around me doing so well, and enjoying life. Everyone I graduated with has a good job, a relationship, happiness, and direction. I’ve got nothing…
Is there even a point anymore? I don’t think there is any fixing myself. I’m in a constant state of emotionless darkness that I cope with by drinking and wishing I didn’t exist. Everything I thought I knew has changed and I don’t know who I am anymore.
My interests are all gone, my faith and belief has been destroyed (only to be told “just go to church it’ll be better, pray for it, or it’s my fault”), I don’t sleep, eat, I drink too much, and no one in my family seems to understand this. Are things probably this bad, likely not, but at this moment to me they feel this way and I can’t shake the feeling.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do, as I don’t see a point. This cycle will just continue and won’t ever end. I don’t have any positive thoughts yet no one knows because of the mask I show. I’ve been on antidepressants for a while, and those have stopped doing anything except make me sick.
Everything is just wrong with me. Can’t get a job, don’t have any happiness, am completely alone even when surrounded by others, my entire belief system is gone, family is no help or makes it worse, friends don’t help ( all say pray or go to church). I just don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m going to do and at times worry about what I’ll do as my thoughts only ever get darker and darker.
I’m so lost and alone in my mess of a life…