I made a VERY IGNORANT decision of underselling my dad’s 10 year old motorcycle 3 years ago (way lower than I should have now thinking back) to my neighbor and to this day it’s something my mom wants to keep bringing back up. (Inner thought rant) I KNOW I SCREWED UP, but it’s been THREE F’ING YEARS! What do you want me to do mom? Ask the person who bought the motorcycle to give it back or should I out of the blue tell them to give us more money??? (END) Bringing the motorcycle issue back up today just really stressed me out to the point I almost thought about relapsing into S.H. (I DID NOT go through with the idea though; Im OK as of posting).
Hey Tom, love you man. That really sucks, I’m sorry your mom keeps bringing that up. It’s not fair to you, and people only learn from experience. None of us knew 3 years ago what we know today, so please don’t beat yourself up over it.
I think it’s important to also recognize how traumatic losing your dad was on your mom as well, without knowing a whole lot about that it seems like if she’s bringing up stuff like this she may not have processed past events as well as she could have. Not trying to invalidate what you felt after today, it’s just in my experience acknowledging that people are people and they make mistakes helps me to let go of things like that. Maybe this is something you can talk to her about?
But I get it, shit like this happens. Sorry brother, proud of you for not relapsing.
Your mom is dealing with her own unresolved issues and taking it out on you, and that’s not fair at all. Okay, so you undersold the bike. If you could go back and do it again, you’d have a few thousand more bucks that would have been spent a long time ago, and she still wouldn’t have your dad. Now suppose you’d never sold the bike. You wouldn’t have any money at all from it. The money doesn’t make things better, and after 3 years the money doesn’t matter. It’s not the money. I think she’s desperately looking for something to replace your dad, or for something to blame her anguish on that isn’t his death.
My mom and brother have the same thing as your mom. We call it in dutch “oude koeien out de gracht halen.” Or translated: Getting old cows out of a ditch. Both my mom and brother now have grudges against each other that they keep ranting each other about when they see each other, or me…
I know how annoying it is to make a mistake and have someone keep reminding you of it. My mom also likes to do it about dieting and how i should lose weight. I had an open discussion about it I feel like it solved a lot of the ranting, reminding…
I recommend to talk with your mom and specifically mention what you mentioned here:
- You know you underpriced it.
- You regret that decision now.
- You wish you could undo it.
- You understand how she feels about it.
- It’s been three years and you’ve learned from your mistake by now.
- Tell her you’re sorry
- Tell her you also miss you dad.
- Ask for her forgiveness and that she’ll forget it.
- Tell her how you feel when she brings it up. (People sometimes forget how they make others feel when they say some things. Being open about your feelings and thoughts may open her eyes)
Now if your mom is even more like my mom, she might get all defensive. With sentences like “So it’s MY mistake? So you want me to just forget your dad? Why am I the one that needs to change? I’m too old to learn new behaviour” and to that I recommend. Stay calm and keep going back to that things I listed on top. Main issue, you want her to forgive you and stop mentioning it.
I hope I helped. I want to be a listening ear, but giving some pointers might always help.