Last week I woke up after going to bed on a bad day. When I woke up, everything was different. I felt nothing. In my last post I had made comments about having days where I felt numb, but this is beyond that. I cant feel anything. For the past week it’s like I’ve been in autopilot or watching myself from a distance. Nothing phases me. I am completely devoid of emotion and emotional response. Ive done everything in my power, from going out on dates to listening to my favorite music, just to try and have some kind of emotional response and nothing works. I’ve spoken with friends about what’s going on, and they have nothing more to offer than their sympathy; which, honestly, at this point I dont care for. It’s easier to put on this façade that I’m happy, but I know just how empty I am. I’m not going to say it sucks, because it has made things easier. I dont have to fight back tears when I tell someone that I dont care, my anxiety has minimized dramatically, and my days are all the same regardless of how hard or long they may have been. I don’t really like being this way but, when it comes to finding peace, it’s a measure that I am not going to argue with.
Hey Joe,
I can relate to this a little bit. 3 years ago I was in a similar place. My life had crumbled and hit a point where my body’s defense mechanism was to shut down. I felt so numb and shut off to everything. Later I escalated into a dark place. I felt detached from everything and everyone and there wasn’t much that people could say that seemed to help. There was a lot of days where I felt like I preferred this because it felt easier to just be detached from everything. To not be present or feel anything. It seemed easier than how I had felt before that pushed me to that. But in the end, it got to me and pushed me.
It’s important to share your thoughts. I know right now it may be hard when people may not always know what to say or how to help. But it’s still good to be heard. You deserve to be listened to my friend. I don’t know what all is going on in your life that has pushed you to this point, but I am glad that you still felt like you could write on the wall. That matters. It truly does.
I think sometimes our minds like to tell us that feeling this way is peaceful. Or better. But really it still eats at us inside. It’s hard because with the current pandemic, we are limited to the things that we can do. So I hope that you will continue to come here and talk and share your mind with us till we are able to move around more freely and get out and do things that would normally be a healthy outlet.
Have you tried to use that BatterHelp trial? It’s really worth looking into if you haven’t already. I’ll link it here again, even if I already gave it to you once. https://www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport
Here is a Master List that Nate created with circumstances that you may be able to relate to, followed by some encouragement and exercises. I encourage you to consider checking these out and see if you can relate to any of these things. You don’t have to share your exercises publicly if you don’t want to. But they are worth doing <3
Friend, I sincerely hope that you get feeling better.
Stay strong 
- Kitty
Thank you for your reply. I will admit that I have become completely detached from everything and everyone. In the past week, I have left all of my communities: Warhammer 40k, D&D, Pokèmon Go…etc. I have zero interest in any of it now. As for people, I have always been disconnected from them. I’ve always had a super small circle of friends consisting of 4 people for the past 8 years, and another friendship that has lasted for the past 16 years. Now I am slowly cutting all of them off, and it doesnt bother me. I honestly don’t care that it’s happening and that I’m shutting down because I have no desire to connect with them. The other day I shut out my best friend of 16 years, without explanation, and I am unaffected. Because of this, no one can hurt me. Even though I’m neutral about feeling this way, I’d call it a blessing in disguise.
I have friends that I have known for just as many years. I also have a very small group of friends. You know, and the great thing about those small groups of quality friends is that they are often still there even if you fall off the face of the planet for a while.
Since all of this covid stuff has started, I have really withdrawn a lot. I don’t talk to people much outside of Heart Support. Its been my safe place. My best friend often will check on me and try to talk, but I rarely ever respond or say anything back. I just haven’t felt very social.
The things with friends is, they love us and are there for us even when we have moments of feeling detached and withdrawn. They remain there when we are ready to connect again if we want.
Right now you are going through some things that is leaving you to feel detached and that’s okay. It’s okay to step back and refocus. Though, also don’t rob yourself either. It matters to connect a little if we can. Even if just to say “Hey, I’m just in a really bad head space right now and need some time to refocus. I may be quiet for a while” - It’s okay to let them know that you need space.
Right now you may want to stay neutral but later that will likely change. Things are weird right now with Covid. So I think we are all feeling a little beside ourselves. But don’t forget to take care of yourself friend <3 To do what you need to stay mentally healthy. Look out for yourself <3 While understandable to need some time and space to detach, it can always be really unhealthy to completely shut off.
Self reflecting is good. To ask yourself what you really want for yourself and how you can take small things to make that happen. But it’s okay to give yourself grace and patience. One day at a time <3