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A f*** up

i said something that upset my friend and i feel
horrible about it. i apologized but it’s not enough and i don’t know what to do. i didn’t mean to upset him, i just wanted to tease him a bit and now i think i upset his trust in me. i feel like such a piece of shit. how could i have upset him? i’ve been so careful to try not to and to make sure he’s happy and now i’ve become a reason for him to be upset instead of happy. i hate how i am. this resulted in me impulsively grabbing my knife and hard pressing it along my arm again. it wasn’t enough. it didn’t hurt enough. i deserve more pain. how can i do that? i just want to punish myself. he deserves better than me as a friend.

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told him i’d leave him alone for the day. might just turn off my phone and cry and punch things until i’m satisfied with the pain i’ve caused myself. i don’t think any amount of pain could make me forgive myself for hurting him though.

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Hey, echo, it’s not your fault calm down okay bud?
I got into a situation like this just a few hrs ago with some people, said something I didn’t know would upset them, and they got mad, and I felt the exact same way. I also grabbed a knife, and I also kicked myself out of that place thinking I was just causing others issues. But that’s not what we should do, it’s not your fault okay? It was an accident and you didn’t mean to. You have good intentions. We all mess up sometimes, and we all make mistakes, we’re human, it’s okay. I know it’s scary, but it’s gonna be okay, just breath, just stay calm. It’s okay. You’re okay, he’s okay. It’s okay <3
-X

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Please don’t punish yourself, I know… sometimes, it feels like something we need but… that’s not the answer. When it comes to mistakes, where one doesn’t forgive, we must forgive ourselves, and change. There is no need to punish, I know it hurts, but don’t let it became the judgment that rules you. It’s okay to slip up sometimes, and when that happens you have to forgive yourself and let go. Don’t let pain be the judgment that lets you let go.
You’re going to be okay.
-X

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i think my dad hates me too. i think he’s been avoiding me and doesn’t want to talk since i said that i didn’t care if my sister died since everything that’s happened is her own fault and we got into an argument with him saying “you cant blame her for her mistakes” as if she hasn’t been doing the same shit for two years and everybody just babies her. now i think he resents me for saying that. he stopped making my portions of dinner as well and stopped asking if i’d like anything to eat which he always asked cause i never ate around him but now he just stopped. it’s fine. i expected it to happen sooner or later. everyone hates me at one point or another.

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well, it is my fault. the thing that i said that upset him was something he said last year and it included apart of his feelings but i only meant to tease him about it in a way because he was directing it towards me, not the feelings in particular. he took it as me making fun of his feelings and i explained that i didn’t mean it like that but it still upset him and i still feel terrible about it. i think he lost trust in me and it’s my own fault. i don’t know why he’s still my friend, all i ever do is fuck up. good intentions or not, i always say and do the wrong things. it doesn’t matter how much i care about or love somebody if everything i do is wrong. if everything i do upsets somebody even when i only want to make them happy then it doesnt matter. just means i failed. i’ve tried improving myself and it doesn’t work. nothing works. i should just be alone so i don’t hurt anybody else, yknow?

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I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m sorry he doesn’t listen. It sucks when the people we care about side with the bad. It hurts alot… I hope things change for you. You really need someone in your life right now who can be there for you given all that has happened. You seem like you care the most out of your entire family but they just don’t see it. Don’t let that discourage you from allowing yourself to have emotions and worth though. Do you have grandparents around? If you do is it possible to stay with them if they’re nice? If worst comes to worst, know that even if you’re not cherished there you are here.

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Did you tell this to him? Did you tell him how hard you’re trying to be good to him even if you mess up? Is there a way you can make it up to him? If he’s also cares, he’d do the same thing for you, and eventually forgive you. So all it takes is a bit of time to understand. You shouldn’t be alone, I get the feeling but it’s just a the mistakes we make, if they truly do care, and they really are your friend, eventually they will forgive you. That’s how friendships work afterall. If it’s alot of mistakes, then you need to work something out, talk out the issues out. Do you still not have a therapist? If not do you think the mistakes you’re making are by pure impulse? Or are they triggers from him you don’t know about?

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even if he does forgive me i’ll just constantly doubt whether or not he hates my company now or whether or not he stills trusts me. i don’t want to tell him any more about how i care about him or anything like that. i say it often enough and now i think i’m just being annoying with it. he isn’t the type of person to enjoy things like that being said unless he asks for it. no, i don’t have a therapist and don’t really want one. it would just make me feel useless and weird. the mistakes i make are just because i’m an idiot. there isn’t a reason behind them other than my own faults. i just need to be better…

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he said he forgave me ^^ at least there’s that

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do you see the patterns here?

Your friend tells you that he forgave you, but you insist on hurting yourself. It’s almost as if it doesn’t matter what he said/did, that you were going to be negative towards yourself.

It sounds like you’re trying to sabotage your relationships a bit by saying hurtful things with the intention of getting your loved ones to hate you.
I’m not a therapist or anything like that, but it sounds like you’re just waiting for someone to say that they hate you, because you don’t think you deserve to be loved.

As for your dad, do you see how it is an expected reaction? You said you wished his child was dead. No parent wants to hear that ever, no matter what argument or disagreement is going on. You have your issues with your sister, I remember those posts, but you have to manage what you say and know how your words will sound.

Why don’t you want a therapist? Is it because you know that they will make you confront the negative self talk you have? Their job is literally to help you, and it is always great if we can learn new skills and techniques to express ourselves in a way that builds our relationships.

Right now, it seems like you’re trying to get people to be angry with you because you’re angry with yourself. It’s not fair to you to do this, because there is a lot of love there for you, and a part of you is aware of this. Maybe this scares you.

You are worthy and you’re a valuable part of our community here. We’re here for you, and we think positive amazing things of you.

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It’s not that i didn’t want him to forgive me or want to sabotage my relationship with him, i’m just angry with myself for ever letting something like that happen. i’m careful to try and not to upset him but i did and i hate myself for it. i don’t want him to hate me, thinking about that just makes me feel like i’m suffocating.

the idea of talking to somebody face to face about my problems while they know my name and are able to get in touch with my relatives whenever they need to isn’t a pleasant thought to me. i already don’t like speaking aloud as it is and having to sit in a room with somebody and talk about my feelings nonetheless is just extremely awkward and uncomfortable. i understand it’s their job but it just bothers me to be in a scenario like that.

yeah that’s fair

i don’t want people to be angry with me but i do think i deserve to be treated badly. i don’t think i deserve any sort of kindness or anything from anybody as much as i may want it. i don’t want them to hate me, just don’t let me think that they care about me. ahh, i’m bad at explaining but i just cant accept the idea that somebody could care about me so i would rather have them say hurtful things so i know that they dont

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Why do you feel like this?

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I mean this in the gentlest and kindest way possible - but do you see that this is not a ‘normal’ way to think of one’s self?
Like Lizzy asked, why do you think so badly of yourself? Why do you think you “deserve” this type of treatment?

As for the therapist getting in touch with your relatives, it wouldn’t be to laugh or talk about you pointlessly, but to work together to get you feeling and thinking about yourself more positively.
I know it can be hard to talk about yourself, to open up to someone like that, but if it can lead to you feeling better and more peaceful, maybe even happy, why not give it a try?

i’ll respond to this part at a later time cause my head is in a fuzz right now but as for the second part about the relatives, i don’t want them to know anything. i find it embarrassing and demeaning and i’d rather not be treated strangely or anything because of it. it would just be even more awkward as well if any of them tried talking to me about it. i had talked to my sister in law once before about issues with my mom and i just felt really weird about it and regretted it since. i will get through things on my own in my own time, i don’t think i really need a therapist.

certainly, it is up to you.

but please remember that feeling miserable is not the ideal way to go about living each day. That hating yourself, or hurting yourself or trying to get others to stop caring about you, is not unhealthy or good for you.

We can chat later when your head is less fuzzy. Hope you have a good and restful rest of the day, friend!

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i don’t actually know. everyone’s always treated me harshly my entire life no matter what i’ve done so i thought i must’ve been doing something to deserve it. it drove me to dropping out of school it was so bad and then i focus more on online friendships and even those don’t last so i’m not sure what i do wrong but i believe there has to be something because why else would i be so unlikeable by everyone? what is it that i’m doing? nobody will tell me what it is so i’m just left wondering and hating everything until i can find the thing i should be hating and trying to fix instead. even if i got that answer now, it’d be too late. not like i can magically change an entire mindset towards myself after so many years

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Ah friend, but you can :slight_smile:
Especially when it was caused by mistreatment. I am so happy to read your response, it shows that you have been trying to logically explain it. Being treated harshly as a child is really difficult, it makes you think that the source is yourself, when we must always hold adults responsible for their behaviour. When children make mistakes, it is up to the adult to show them this in a manner that teaches, not condemns.

It sounds like some of the adults around you failed to help you establish a sense of worth and value, and instead used you to dump their frustrations on.

Your post shows a lot of self awareness, and I find that so hopeful and great. We like you here, and I’d like to think that we have come to know you a fair bit.

What about this idea for you to ponder:
the adults and others who made you feel this way, they weren’t correct in treating you like this? It wasn’t a fault in you that they were responding to… it was a fault in them that caused them to mistreat you?

So the thing to try to fix isn’t some trait or characteristic of you, but it is the memory and trauma of that past mistreatment that has to be eliminated.

The only adult that treated me so harshly was my mother, other than that it was school peers. Since probably third grade i’d been getting bullied by at least one person. Upgraded to two in fifth grade then to a group of girls in middle school. It was them that made me feel like something was wrong with me. It’s everyone i’ve met who didn’t want to stay my friend or disliked me for something. Not just adults, kids are ruthless too

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i’m sorry that you expereinced such treatment from your mom and from school peers. Kids can treat each other pretty crappy, sometimes unknowingly, sometimes because they’re dealing with their own mistreatment and only know how to hurt others.

These people don’t define you. Just because people made you feel like something was wrong or missing in you does NOT make it true. School is hard, more so in some countries than others. BUT the good news is that those experiences are not something that has written your fate in stone. Things can change, things can get better, you can realize that there is genuine friendship in the world and that you deserve it.

Don’t let some silly, misguided people from the past, who may not even remember your name, or anything they said to you, define you. You’re worth more than that, you deserve to free yourself from the bondage of those memories.

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