A friend texted me about my suicidality and I don’t know what to do

[Dragonfly]

My friend just sent me this and I don’t know how to proceed.

“Hey so I wanted to reach out to let you know why I have been unresponsive the past couple of days. I want you to know that it’s not because I don’t care, but it’s just because of me personally. I am learning once again that I am only one person and can only take on so much, as I have my own emotions to deal with as well as my clients, and then my friends. I care so much about your mental and emotional health and am not saying I don’t want to be involved anymore or that you can’t reach out to me when you need me. But I am realizing that I am one person who gets exhausted pretty easily and I want to set some personal boundaries for myself and also help you build up a bigger support system than just me. I know you are in a lot of pain right now and that you have so much going on, and I have been thinking and praying about you a lot. You have grown so much in the last year and I am proud of the steps you have been taking to have a future you are more excited about. I have become increasingly worried about your suicidality, and want to make sure we have all the supports put in place and a network of people to be there for you before any time of crisis arises. I am honored that you have trusted me so much to help you through things, but I want to increase the amount of people you allow into your circle of trust so that there is more accountability and more people there to support you. What I would really love to see is you talking to your dad about how you have been feeling and to clue him into what is going on with you. I know that scares you and you may be angry at me for suggesting it, but I think it would be really beneficial to you to let your dad in on what’s going on with you. I am totally willing to be there with you to talk to your dad if that would help you open up to him, I just really think it is important for someone in your household to be aware of what is going on with you. I am not always going to be available to respond to texts or calls and also will not always have the emotional capacity to help you in all the ways that you need, so I want to make sure that other people are aware of what is going on other than me. I sincerely think you should consider taking more steps to make sure you are safe with yourself in terms of mental health, whether that be getting involved in a partial program, seeing a therapist, or even just talking to your family doctor about your thoughts. I would love to help you make a safety plan for you to utilize when you are feeling hopeless, so you are able to self-regulate in most cases, and to have a list of people to reach out to when you are unable to self-regulate. At this time I am not going to share any information with your dad, although I think you should, but I will have to let him know if I hear something from you that raises a red flag that you may not be safe, because I care about you and find your life very valuable. You have survived so many things in your life and I am proud of you. I want to help you have more tools available to you for when you need it, because I’m not a sufficient resource for you. I hope you feel all of these words covered with love and prayer, because I have been thinking a lot about this over the week. I don’t want you to feel like I am pushing you away. I am pulling you closer and want to help you find resources to help you out in times of need because of how much I care about you. I am thankful for your friendship and have been glad to help you out when you need it. I love you lots and would love to help you get some resources in place if you are willing to let me help you.”

I’m not going to talk to my dad and I told her that.

I asked her why she was concerned and she said “ Because you have been suicidal nearly every day and have thought of different plans, and you are limiting yourself to not allow people into your circle right now”
I told her I’ve been letting people in more lately (if I’m honest that means this week) and she said that’s good.

She also said “I am sorry that you are upset, but hopefully you see where I’m coming from. I’m not snitching or ditching you or doing anything like that, I’m just trying to help you get what you need because I care”

I just don’t get why my life is so important to people, it’s never been in the past. People have treated me like shit for ages and now when I say I’m suicidal it’s suddenly a big deal? I want people to get out of my business. I don’t know what to do or if I should tell her if I’m suicidal in the future. Probably not. I’m shocked and idk what to do.

[Micro]

Hey @Dragonfly,

This message you received from your friend is all about love, and care. It’s their heart open, with lots of vulnerability and honesty. It’s also full of respect to you, but also for themselves, which is a strong quality that your friend seems to have. They want to support you, but they also know their limits. They don’t want to overwhelm you. They know your story, they want to help, but in ways you would decide. It’s a precious gift. But I understand that it can be scary.

If you’ve been treated poorly for a long time, this kind of message can be overwhelming and disturbing. It’s like you’ve been so used to survive, maybe to send some signals sometimes that you were drowning, but no one responded. Maybe you expect it to be like this forever. Which would make sense. This message from your friend goes against all the things you’ve been believing about yourself. All the things that others, before, tried to make you believe because of their own behavior.

It’s surprising when you finally know someone who cares and take a step further to let you know about it. It can even be annoying and very stressful. I totally understand that, as this is something I am currently learning too. Trusting others, opening some doors… that’s really hard when you feel like walking on eggshells constantly. When you just expect to be hurt or ignored at some point, because it feels like everything and everyone is a threat. Personally, I spent most of my life to live in this contradiction: craving for connection and understanding, yet staying in this “comfort zone” full of struggles, pain, and loneliness. Because it’s been more comfortable than taking the risk of being hurt. And sometimes, facing the fact that we do matter is painful. Because we become aware of all the things that should have been different.

I personally think that this is a beautiful opportunity that you have here. To receive the support you need, in the limits of the boundaries you would set. You know, there’s a lot of people who would care for a friend, but not the way your friend seems to be willing to do. Lot of people would want to help so badly that they’d make things worse, because they’d try to respond to their need to help, and not the needs of the person who’s struggling. Your friend here want to encourage you to take some healthy steps for yourself, and they want to support you through this process. They don’t want to “save” you, or “fix” you. They want to encourage you through a healing journey. Because you are in control of those decisions, and they seem to know it.

You have the right to trust others with yourself. Not everyone is going to hurt you or ignore you like it happened before. There are some good people out there. But like any relationship, it requires both you and them to create this bond that could be very powerful, for both of you. No one can push you to accept the help that someone is willing to give you. But know that receiving the support you need is your right entirely. It always was. Sometimes we just need the right people, the right circumstances, to see our belief system being moved and to start to see things differently.

Your life matters. But this knowledge of yours is hidden behind too many layers of hurt. You can allow yourself to heal. And you can do it with the help of the people who 1/know you, 2/respect you, 3/love you unconditionally.

The past doesn’t have to be repeated again and again. You don’t have to face those battles alone. You can change that and avoid any kind of self-fulfilling prophecy that would based on what others pushed you to believe about yourself.