Hey, I know it’s not necessary to talk about myself or share about me. It even feels a little selfish to be honest.
But for some reason I’ve had this feeling of wanting to share what makes me ME. I feel I can’t overly share as much with the people around me because I feel like they’d think I’m portraying certain family in a bad light, and I don’t wish to at all.
From a young age I was a very emotional person. I needed to be loved and shown that. I was insecure, but I was also a very happy child I’m told. I don’t recall being overly excitable or anyone telling me that I was the life of a party by any means. If anything that was my brother.
My mother and I had a very hard relationship. It felt like no matter how hard I pushed I wasn’t cutting it.
First it was pushing myself with grades. If I got 80% on a test it was a fail. I’d ask to re-sit. I could do better. I constantly got told I was lazy because they “knew” I could do better. I finished year 12 when I was 16 and my last test I scored 98%. I was so angry at myself. Are you serious?! Two answer I got around the wrong way.
Was anyone proud of me for finishing school at 16? No, if I could do the work, why didn’t I do it sooner?
I got into playing sport at school to prove I wasn’t lazy. I got just good enough that the boys would pick me. I was good enough to be defence in soccer and netball. I was just good enough I could steal a pass in basketball or lacrosse. But that “just” word was always there. Always “just” good enough.
I developed an eating disorder because I decided it was the fastest way to lose weight.
It lasted years and I often went a week or longer without any food or water. Just coffee, cigarettes and booze.
It didn’t matter how thin I got it wasn’t enough for anyone to seem to worry about. I’m 5’8 and I was weighing between 50-55 kg (110-121 pounds). So I figured I needed to also be fitter. So somehow through my every day drinking and waking up in a hazy hangover at 5 am if I even went to bed at all, I would walk to the gym, run on the treadmill for half an hour at full pelt, do an hour work out and run again and walk home. Every single day.
I loathed myself. I got to a point where if I knew I couldn’t do the very best at something it would cause me anxiety and so I wouldn’t bother. So people assumed I was lazy. I still struggle with that. If I haven’t gotten up early, cleaned, mowed, cooked ect all before 10am, I feel lazy as hell.
In the meantime I somehow repaired a relationship with my mother. We talked briefly about my self harm and eating disorder. I asked since she said she knew about it why she didn’t say anything and she replied “because it wouldn’t have changed anything”.
I don’t think she sees how it would have.
So many times I have been to the brink of not wanting to be alive. That maybe if I drank enough it would get to me, maybe if I just kept not eating it would get me, maybe maybe maybe.
I still question people around me and my worth in their life, but I have such a good group of real friends.
My friends when I was 17 were all in their 20’s-30’s. They didn’t think it was an issue to drink and smoke with a minor, they didn’t think it was weird to tell them about their marriage or relationship issues.
A 17 yr old girl shouldn’t be giving relationship advice to a 32 yr old married man like that.
There are bits I have overlooked and that’s fine. That’s the jist of who I am. Of how I am.
I didn’t think I could ever get out of my comfort zone and achieve small things, but (way to promote hs)- I did learn a lot in a short time in action group. I was prepared to be given tough love and told to shape up and get it together. I was ready because that’s what you’re meant to hear, right? And you can’t be upset about it because it’s something you already know.
But instead I was embraced and cared for. The same as my now good friends embrace and care for me.
I went from being someone who thought it was normal for friends to backstab and burden dump, to understanding the power of listening and boundaries.
It’s showed me how self isolating and self involved trying to be the best is. I didn’t care if I hurt people by telling them they weren’t doing their best either. I believed that was right and people needed to hear it to do better!
Being in swat also has opened my eyes a great deal. You’re telling me people come to talk about people in a positive way? They don’t pick apart what you’re feeling and saying in a negative way?!
Now that I lead a swat I sit and think about how to be better, but in a good way. How can I provide a safe place for people to grow and feel loved like I have? What’s the right amount of push and support they personally need and can handle?
I get sad sometimes, and it’s okay. I tell my friends I’m sad and they send me love and funny memes. They tell me to talk and not hide. They open their hearts and homes.
And instead of ending this as I usually would by apologising or telling myself to shut up, I want to thank you instead for letting me share myself with you and for the people here who have embraced me and allowed me to embrace them. So much love to you all