Don’t pay attention anything below other people need help more than I do and I don’t deserve it anyway so please go help someone else.
How do I tell my family that I attempted? How? Should I? Should I tell them because if I do not only will they be hurt but they well also guilt me for trying. They’ll say that I should have done this or should have done that and try to fix the problem without even stopping to check on me or my feelings. That’s how they are they focus on the solution without looking at the problem. Which cause problems because it only fixes the tiny part they can see straight away. They don’t understand me in the first place. They don’t understand that they are the reason that I have to justify my mere existence. And they my mom say you don’t have to do it with me like it’s a switch that I can turn on and off. Like it’s my choice to do this and not something that’s been ingrained into me. Same with me feeling worthless. They just say I’m not and then move on. Not taking an time to care about it just trying to get a solution. Like I’m problem to be fixed. Which when I think about I am. I am really just a problem that needs to be fixed. Not a person. They make me feel guilt about self harming so I just hide it from them. I just hide it because they don’t understand. This year because of all this coming to light they started trying to celebrate things I do but not only does it feel cheap because we never did this before but they also focus on the wrong things for me. They focus on the days and weeks me being clean to a point I can’t tell them if I did it. They also just don’t care about my hobbies or least it really seems like that. Every time I try to show them my music it’s just okay or it’s a list of things I could fix or things they didn’t like. And they wonder why I’m a perfectionist that feels like they’ve failed so much that even perfection isn’t enough. They wonder. All of that isn’t why I think I’m worthless. Most people who thing they are worthless is because they aren’t doing x.y or z but for me it’s even if I do those things it’s still not enough. I don’t know what would be enough for me. I don’t know. Every time I say just nice thing about myself here comes a thousand thoughts saying how that’s wrong and how’ll you won’t ever get to that point. I feel so worthless every second. I’m so tried of it. Everything I do feels like it’s just another failure. I’ve tried changing my mindset of hey you got out of bed you did something but my brain fights back with “That’s not even the bare minumet do more” and “but it took you four hours”. I don’t even know why anyone gives a damn about me. I always won’t be enough so why do they even care. I don’t get it. I’m a waste of there time so why do they even try to help the un helpable because no matter what I do I just end up in the same place and never go anywhere else. Sorry for wasting your time with this. Sorry that I come back and posy at all. It’s selfish of me. Other people need the help more than me so go help them.
What’s the point of me living? I don’t see it. I am so worthless and so meaningless that I probably wouldn’t be missed. I don’t matter so stop trying to help and help someone who matters. I’m just trying to get attention. I don’t need help. I don’t need it because I don’t deserve it. So stop trying to help me. I should’ve just keep this inside and let no one know. I very should have told no one. I should have kept it to myself. I should’ve made sure that I kept all the pain so no one else got hurt. Everyone is better than me. Everyone. Everyone deserves help but me. I don’t deserve it so stop trying to give it to me. I don’t deserve it. Why do you try to help me? Why? I don’t understand how you can even stand my mere existence. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Please stop putting energy into me. Use it on yourself or someone who deserves it because I don’t. I’m past the point of being able to help people anymore. I’ve past the point of my usefulness. I’ve past the point of me being able to help others. Now I’m just a selfish thing that’s trying to take the help from others. So I’m not going to take not when I know that they’re others who are worse than me. Go help them. Leave me be and help them. I’m sorry that waste so much of your time and energy. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. I should have just kept it to my self and not have been so fucking selfish.