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A long rant (TW Suicide, self harm and worthlessness)

Don’t pay attention anything below other people need help more than I do and I don’t deserve it anyway so please go help someone else.

How do I tell my family that I attempted? How? Should I? Should I tell them because if I do not only will they be hurt but they well also guilt me for trying. They’ll say that I should have done this or should have done that and try to fix the problem without even stopping to check on me or my feelings. That’s how they are they focus on the solution without looking at the problem. Which cause problems because it only fixes the tiny part they can see straight away. They don’t understand me in the first place. They don’t understand that they are the reason that I have to justify my mere existence. And they my mom say you don’t have to do it with me like it’s a switch that I can turn on and off. Like it’s my choice to do this and not something that’s been ingrained into me. Same with me feeling worthless. They just say I’m not and then move on. Not taking an time to care about it just trying to get a solution. Like I’m problem to be fixed. Which when I think about I am. I am really just a problem that needs to be fixed. Not a person. They make me feel guilt about self harming so I just hide it from them. I just hide it because they don’t understand. This year because of all this coming to light they started trying to celebrate things I do but not only does it feel cheap because we never did this before but they also focus on the wrong things for me. They focus on the days and weeks me being clean to a point I can’t tell them if I did it. They also just don’t care about my hobbies or least it really seems like that. Every time I try to show them my music it’s just okay or it’s a list of things I could fix or things they didn’t like. And they wonder why I’m a perfectionist that feels like they’ve failed so much that even perfection isn’t enough. They wonder. All of that isn’t why I think I’m worthless. Most people who thing they are worthless is because they aren’t doing x.y or z but for me it’s even if I do those things it’s still not enough. I don’t know what would be enough for me. I don’t know. Every time I say just nice thing about myself here comes a thousand thoughts saying how that’s wrong and how’ll you won’t ever get to that point. I feel so worthless every second. I’m so tried of it. Everything I do feels like it’s just another failure. I’ve tried changing my mindset of hey you got out of bed you did something but my brain fights back with “That’s not even the bare minumet do more” and “but it took you four hours”. I don’t even know why anyone gives a damn about me. I always won’t be enough so why do they even care. I don’t get it. I’m a waste of there time so why do they even try to help the un helpable because no matter what I do I just end up in the same place and never go anywhere else. Sorry for wasting your time with this. Sorry that I come back and posy at all. It’s selfish of me. Other people need the help more than me so go help them.

What’s the point of me living? I don’t see it. I am so worthless and so meaningless that I probably wouldn’t be missed. I don’t matter so stop trying to help and help someone who matters. I’m just trying to get attention. I don’t need help. I don’t need it because I don’t deserve it. So stop trying to help me. I should’ve just keep this inside and let no one know. I very should have told no one. I should have kept it to myself. I should’ve made sure that I kept all the pain so no one else got hurt. Everyone is better than me. Everyone. Everyone deserves help but me. I don’t deserve it so stop trying to give it to me. I don’t deserve it. Why do you try to help me? Why? I don’t understand how you can even stand my mere existence. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Please stop putting energy into me. Use it on yourself or someone who deserves it because I don’t. I’m past the point of being able to help people anymore. I’ve past the point of my usefulness. I’ve past the point of me being able to help others. Now I’m just a selfish thing that’s trying to take the help from others. So I’m not going to take not when I know that they’re others who are worse than me. Go help them. Leave me be and help them. I’m sorry that waste so much of your time and energy. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. I should have just kept it to my self and not have been so fucking selfish.

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Hey Paladin, Amanda responded to your topic live on YouTube!

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Hey friend,
First off, opening this post with “don’t pay attention anything below” and “I don’t deserve it anyway” are straight up why this forum exists. YOU are WORTHY of LOVE and SUPPORT! I cannot express that in any other way except to say that you are loved, so much. The things you are going through with attempts and all you are experiencing are very tough things that are draining. How you feel about all this, is valid.

On a personal note, I’ve been there. I am there frequently with similar thought patterns. But the greatest thing you can do, is fight those thoughts back with truths. You are worthy of love and acceptance and care. Your life matters. You have an entire future of possibilities that are limitless and you can achieve anything you put your mind to. Its easy to feel like others are more important when going through these things, but you are one of those people that also deserves the attention and care.

I am so proud of you for making this post and letting out your thoughts and emotions. I really hope that it was healing and freeing in some ways for you to let out the hurt in a positive and safe way. Those in this community understand a lot of what you’re feeling, and you are amongst friends who get it. You’re not alone in any of this. We care for you, I care for you.

Hold fast.

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I’m sorry it taking so long to respond. It took so long because going back and seeing this words that I wrote for some reason reforces them. I don’t know why but thank you both for responding to this. I’m sorry that I’m not really saying more than that but thank you.

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Hey, its totally okay. I get that. Just know you aren’t ever expected to reply unless you want/need to. You’re loved and we’re here

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Thank you for you words.

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I know I’m new here. But I made a post recently and I believe you liked it. So first and foremost. What I’ve gathered from this site is that we are all struggling with our own demons. But in that we can also relate to one another and give advice/guidance/support/love to each other.

I also want to clarify I don’t expect you to reply. You made this post to be heard. But I do want to tell you my experience. Because family can be hard to come out to in terms of an attempt. I did it and it was rough. Because my family reacted the way you fear yours reacting. But to be fair, they jump to the positive reinforcement because they feel guilty they didn’t pick up on it, and it feels to us like it’s insincere. Just know that’s not their intention.

I remember when I first let my family know of my attempt they were out on vacation and I was home alone. I couldn’t join them because I was working to put myself through college after I lost my scholarship due to injuries in football. My aunt co-signed a loan for me, and she holds it over my head as a way to force me into doing something for her in return. One night she pushed me to the edge and my breaking point. Made me feel worthless and like a waste of oxygen all because I wouldn’t watch her pets while she went and met up with the rest of my family on vacation. She unloaded all of that after I explained to her that I had classes, my job after classes, and had to watch my parents pets while they were gone. I simply didn’t have enough time. Yet she pulled the co-signed loan over my head as if I owed it to her and just made me feel awful about myself. That night I almost shot myself. I still to this day have her texts as proof. It’s easy for me to talk about now. Because I can’t imagine what life would be like today for my family and friends had I gone through with it.

I now have two beautiful nephews who mean the world to me. And always tell my family that I’m their favorite. They help me keep going to this day. They will never know it, and my family doesn’t know that fact either. It’s taken a lot of conversations to get my family past the point of just trying to fix me, and understanding that I’m not something to be fixed. But that I struggle with a disease. Like you said it’s not a switch we can turn on or off. But it’s a disease that needs to be treated. Once they realized that, they are more supportive and less pushy. Meaning for me, they don’t treat me like a dog with constant positive reinforcement. Instead they hug me a little tighter, a little longer. My grandma especially. And in that moment no words are said but I can literally feel the love.

I’m not saying to tell your family, only you can decide if it’s a good idea and if you are even comfortable telling them and ready for the tough conversations like I had to get them to understand. If you don’t want to tell them you always have this community. Sometimes you just want someone to listen to you so you can be heard. I will gladly be that person for you.

I just wanted to tell you my experience because I can relate and because even though you don’t think you are worthy or loved. I’m here to tell you that you are worthy, you are loved and you do matter.

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Thank you for this it makes me feel better that they eventually understood. I hope my family does some day.

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