A long story about my past 2 years, TLDR I cannot forgive myself

[kunlandia]

Welcome everyone, this might be long, and might be full of bad phrases, because I self-learned english a long time ago, and haven’t really used it recently.

Today, as I write this, I watched Kitboga’s stream for 2-3 hours on Twitch, then he hosted HeartSupport with DanMakesHisMark, I lurked for a few hours, with a chill drawing stream, then I started to pay attention for the chat, a lot of people, with lot of sad stories, so I though I should share mine as well, but not on the stream, after he mentioned this anon forum to share our stories.

So here I am, 0:24 am, when I start to type this story.

Lets start 2 years back from now, summer of 2018:
Always been an introverted kid, never had a lot of friends, maximum 2-3 but mostly in online conversations.
I’ve been dating with a girl for a few months, everything is going the right way, we totally understand each other, so we decieded to move together for the next semester, both learning engeneering at uni, everything is fine, every day is my best day of my life.
10th of October is her birthday, so I organized a trip with my family as well, my parents threated her like a family member. The trip was awesome, we spent a long weekend together, even stronger relationship if possible at this point, thoughts about marriage.

So happy and wholesome story so far, isn’t it? now the plot twist.
As we drove home, I was driving, had my licence for like 4-5 years, never had an accident before, not even a speeding ticket or any violation. We had to travel 440 kms (273 miles) to our home, and we left the hotel afternoon. After a while it starts to get dark and after eventful weekend everyone is fell asleep in the car, except me of course, driving in the middle lane about 110 km/h (~70m/h) on a motorway (It’s pretty safe, you are allowed to go 130km/h (~80m/h) in my country) when I start to pass a truck it’s suddenly hit our car from the right, and we are stuck under the trailer, and the truck keeps moving into the fast lane (the innermost), and grinding our car between the trailer and the ribbon railing. I couldn’t do anything, I remember pushing the breaks as hard as I could, the car was stuck. The next thing I remember, is I’m in hospital, looking for my family, my girlfriend, but I cannot see anyone. I look around, checked my arms and legs, everyhing was fine, didn’t even hurt… few scratches on my face as the windshield broke. Fast foward 10 minutes, after I looked someone to tell me what happend. Found a nurse, who told me my parents, and my girlfriend died in that accident, also the truck driver, who probably had a stroke, that’s why he pulled the truck on our car.
on 14th of October, 2018, I lost everything.

Fast foward to this day, about my mental health, I couldn’t stop blaming myself for it. I cannot talk about this situation in person, because I burst out in tears every time I try to talk about. I can’t do anything productive, I had to stop uni for the past 2 years, because I cannot think about anything else. It’s always haunt me, all of my sober day time, all of my dreams turn into a nightmare, experience this situation over and over again, every night. I think I’m going insane, but not sure how to get help. I never was a suicidal kid, or teenager, but now I see suicide as the only option out of this suffering.
Now I’m 25, never been at any psychologist or anyone i could talk about this. I held it in myself deep down, without anyone knowing anything about my past. I’ve tried to open up to people, to make friends, but I felt it won’t work, I’m not intrested in anyone’s sorry, to tell them what happend, and they never see the sadness on me, I’m the funny guy if I feel confortable besides you.
Also tired to date with multiple girls, I have no feelings for anyone,and I don’t want to take advantage of anyone. I’m pretty sure I lost interest in everyhing in my life because every memory hurts. I lost interest in music, video games, traveling,cooking, studiing, and even comedy and tv shows because we used to do these things together.

I don’t know how to leave all these things behind, and I blame myself every day. The only way I can sleep is when I cry myself to sleep, but only few hours passes before I wake up to a nightmare.

I’m sorry to tell you all these things and I hope you never witness similar situation like this.
1:16 am, not sure why I typed all this, I’m not here for the “sorry” replies and pretty sure will kill myself anyway in a few days.
I don’t know what else to say I mean write,
I wish the best for everyone.

[Sapphire]

Hi kun,

I know you didn’t come here for sympathy, but I am sorry that you had to go through what you went through, losing so many people who were important to you in an instant. I wouldn’t wish that in anyone and it pained me to read your story.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but you really shouldn’t blame yourself. What happened can best be explained as an act of God so to speak - something that nobody could have foreseen or done differently. A tragic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know reading that probably will not help you. This trauma has been consuming you for so long.

I know you say you haven’t spoken to a psychologist, but I think the fact that you’ve come here and displayed such trust and courage to finally share this story with anyone who will read it means that you may finally be ready to approach this trauma. I know therapy has societal stigmas sometimes and it is scary to open up to people, for sure. But everyone deserves to live their life without pain, guilt and regret. That includes you, my friend.

What happened was not your fault. You could not have done anything differently than what you did. It is possible to heal from these traumas, when you’re ready. Please don’t lose hope. You’re life is precious and worth saving.

[SheetMetalHead]

@Sapphire

What happened was not your fault. You could not have done anything differently than what you did. It is possible to heal from these traumas, when you’re ready. Please don’t lose hope. You’re life is precious and worth saving.

Hi @kunlandia. That is a terrible story, and I’m so sorry that happened to you. My heart aches for you. It sounds to me like you are still processing your grief. There is no timeline for processing grief, especially for something like that, so don’t worry if it still hurts. As for forgiving yourself: survivor’s guilt is a real thing, and something that I don’t know much about; but you need to ask yourself: what could you or should you have done differently? If you come up with any answers, ask yourself: is that realistic?

A psychologist could help walk you through your grief journey. There is also a therapy process called EMDR here in the states (it may be called something else in your country) that helps people process through traumas faster. I tried it, and got more work done in 5 months than the previous 5 years. You might look for local support groups for people who have lost loved ones. They can understand your pain better than average people out in the world and grieve through it with you.

I want to conclude by saying THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE NOT BEYOND HOPE, and you can get through this. Whether you’re religious or not, you were left here for a reason, and I hope one day you are able to see what that reason is. In the meantime, just go one day at a time. Evaluate Just For Today what today will look like, and worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Hold fast.

[Sapphire]

@SheetMetalHead

There is also a therapy process called EMDR here in the states (it may be called something else in your country) that helps people process through traumas faster. I tried it, and got more work done in 5 months than the previous 5 years.

This is awesome. I could add, my most recent therapist used a technique called ‘brainspotting’ which from what I understand is a very new technique which is used to really target those bad memories and delve into them. I agreed to do this because I’ve been going to therapy for most of my life and I was starting to feel like I was just doomed to always need a therapist.

Anyways, I’ve gotten more done in 4 sessions with this therapist than I did in all the years I’ve been going to therapy. I’m not sure if it is widely used but it might be worth looking into for fast, effective relief.

[leonafan000]

I don’t know what to say but hearing all of this broke my heart.

[Micro]

Hey @kunlandia,

We don’t know each other, but I want to tell you that it’s an honor to read your story. As you said, it’s been something you’ve been keeping inside for so long, and I can’t imagine how it was for you to write down all of this. The time and energy you’ve been taking to share about your past really means a lot. It’s a privilege to see you here, to share this vulnerability with you, especially when we know how much you pushed through for the past two years. You are seen, you are heard, your pain is acknowledged, and by sharing all of this, you are allowing yourself to step out of this loneliness that you’ve been feeling for too long.

I understand that you’re not looking for sympathy - and no one could blame you for that. You survived a tragedy. And it’s hard to make sense out of something that is deeply unfair. Feeling guilty for what happened is probably the most human reaction you could have in such circumstances. The guilt of surviving while losing people who are dear to our heart is a deep burden. Somehow, it helps to regain a sense of control. It helps to answer the haunting “why” questions. “Maybe I should have…”, “If only…”. There is a part of relief in imagining how things could have been, in believing that you are to blame or to be punished. But you are not guilty, friend. You never was. It wasn’t your fault. Because what happened was beyond your control. You know that already, probably too much. And I know it’s hard to find comfort in that thought. It’s hard not to feel like you’re losing your mind when you hit this reality again and again. But the pain you’ve been adding on your shoulders is not something you deserve to endure either. You are alive, and you were also the victim of what happened. Your heart is hurting because of an injustice that no one should ever experience. Yet it would be another injustice to keep the blame on you.

I know it’s incredibly hard to learn how to “let go”. I personally hate those words. I’m no expert myself and still wondering many times what that means. Is there a perfect recipe somewhere? How do people do that? It sounds like an easy way to ignore what someone truly feels. Oftentimes, it also feels like forgetting while we know it’s impossible. Somehow it’s even scary to try to lose your grip on your pain, especially if it’s deep and, somehow, part of who you are. But you are alive, friend. You deserve to live. And you are more than what happened to you and your family, even if it’s hard to see it right now.

There are wounds that need to be acknowledged as such, that need to be shared, to be felt. They are part of you, part of your story, but they don’t have to condition your future. It’s okay if you lost interest in what you like, it’s okay if you need to slow down, it’s okay if you need to take your time to process what happened and reach out to get the support you need. There is no rush in healing or grieving. And you are worth the time it would take to feel some peace again in your heart.

I hear that suicide feels like a valid option. The pain is overwhelming and feels isolating. But you are here with us, friend. You have breath in your lungs. That is very real. I don’t know your own beliefs and I can’t tell why you survived or if there’s even a reason. But what is sure is that you can still live a life that would be meaningful to you. You can create that for yourself. Without ignoring what happened, without wearing a mask or pretending that everything is okay all the time. But by learning, at your own pace, to process and honor this part of your story. You wouldn’t betray them by doing so.

You have the power to reach out, to be helped. You can make the decision to move towards life. You can make sure to honor this part of yourself that you lost in 2018. You can keep honoring the memory of your parents and girlfriend by looking after this spark inside of you. It’s not gone. And the people you love are still with you. You are still sharing their voice. Obviously I didn’t know them, but I see through your pain all the love there is between you and them. It’s still there, friend. And it can be a fuel that keeps nurturing your life. Something you don’t have to be afraid of.

In the meantime, it’s okay if there are tears. It’s okay if there’s a pain that feels unbearable. It’s okay if you feel lost or helpless. Who would blame you for that? But you don’t have to deal with those things alone. And I want to encourage you, as our friends here, to reach out and allow yourself to share your story, your heart, your vulnerability, with your friends if you trust them enough, and/or with a professional, at your own pace. Just a first step. But also a beautiful way to affirm your right to rest, to heal, to grieve. You deserve to feel restoration in your heart. We all want that for you, but without any pressure, and we’ll keep encouraging you through what might be a new journey to you. I hope you will consider your post as a new opportunity, a moment in your life when you are in a position of being able to break this isolation you’ve been feeling for so long. A moment for thinking about healthy strategies and receiving the support you always deserved. You don’t have to be alone. Our stories are all different, but in the midst of pain we can support each other. Know that we are here for you as well.

Don’t give up on yourself, friend. Your life is precious. Your worth is not gone that day.