Today I was again struggle with intrusive thoughts. Dark fansty of revenge, injury ego and stressing about losing my best friend. Feeling like I’m never good enough, never reaching my goals. Not radically accepting reality.
I told my close female friend, I have romantic feelings for her. She been pretty good, saying thank for your honesty and I just need some space to think about. It worry she only friend that love skateboarding, going getting food, shows and it first had a close female friend. It feel like time I get close with female, they push me away and remind I can’t never have a relationship with a woman. I’m stuck two friends that don’t do anything. It hard to make friends, when you don’t have options.
Having impulses to self, overally drink beer and just give the fuck, like an incel I am. Also dealing with knee pain kinda. It get stress out that I worry I can’t never skateboard again. It really scare and put dark place. I fucking hate when people to stop skateboarding or just take up biking or some boring uncool sport to fit with other boring people. I want know as a skater, I know it sound poser , I do want have my image, I know it silly, I just love being a skateboarder. And I can’t just walk away from it.