Today I was again struggle with intrusive thoughts. Dark fansty of revenge, injury ego and stressing about losing my best friend. Feeling like I’m never good enough, never reaching my goals. Not radically accepting reality.
I told my close female friend, I have romantic feelings for her. She been pretty good, saying thank for your honesty and I just need some space to think about. It worry she only friend that love skateboarding, going getting food, shows and it first had a close female friend. It feel like time I get close with female, they push me away and remind I can’t never have a relationship with a woman. I’m stuck two friends that don’t do anything. It hard to make friends, when you don’t have options.
Having impulses to self, overally drink beer and just give the fuck, like an incel I am. Also dealing with knee pain kinda. It get stress out that I worry I can’t never skateboard again. It really scare and put dark place. I fucking hate when people to stop skateboarding or just take up biking or some boring uncool sport to fit with other boring people. I want know as a skater, I know it sound poser , I do want have my image, I know it silly, I just love being a skateboarder. And I can’t just walk away from it.
I hope your knee gets better. If you try to get too close too fast, you will get pushed away. It may be better to just be friends, rather than push too hard. Doing that is in a sense pushing her away.
Skateboarding doesn’t make you cool. You’re cool, even if your skateboard ends up in Arkansas. The coolness isn’t attached to the sport. Instead, it’s how the person approaches it. Basket weaving is cool if the person doing it is cool.
Intrusive thoughts can be hard to deal with, but remember they’re just thoughts. They can be acknowledged, then allowed to pass, kinda like drifting clouds. The main concern isn’t the thoughts, but the choices you make.
I just want to say that you’re doing better than you think in some ways.
You were honest with her about your feelings. And you DID make a friend who’s a female! Now you know for a fact that you do have those skills already in you. Having a friendship is a great thing, and even thought it’s not a romantic relationship, friends are cool to have too.