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A lot of dark and lonely thoughts

SURE I’m fine… I’m going to be fine… everything is peachy perfect… the world is still spinning and I’m just stuck in this hole in the ground again, but I can get out… again… and then fall back… again… and climb out… again… and fall back even further than I did before… climb halfway back up… and fall to the 9th circle of my own created hole again which only had 3 circles last time I checked… but I’m fine… totally not losing hope because it’s the millionth time I fell in again… there’s still a light somewhere, right? even if I can’t see it… There’s still a hope that life can be better, even if everything is just dark and hopeless and I will be physically alone for the rest of my life and literally can’t function for days after I went to family… It’s all going to be fine, right? … and there’s still going to be a chance that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life and I can be loved by people I can call my family, right?
I’m sorry… I’m just starting to think that everything I do now is for nothing… There’s always going to be this huge complicated family dynamic in which I’m supposed to find a place, but somehow I’m always in the middle… trying to mediate or walking on eggshells… is it fair? no… Hell, having an okay relationship with this family member sometimes feels like I have to earn enough “good points” before I can say something like “I don’t think the whole family is against you and grandma has a point with this thing”… I’m immediately the bad guy for even thinking it, because I’m wrong and everyone is against them and I am now against them as well. I don’t love them because I don’t visit them enough. I’m a selfish unempathetic bitch because I want them to know that not everything is black and white and people can disagree and still love each other… it’s like they know that that is true, but not when it against them… I feel like I can’t live with this anymore, but at the same time… if I give up then they will be alone… they don’t want help… they will work themselves to death if I ask for a change on something in the house… I can’t explain well today… I’m sorry… I’m just tired of this situation… and I can’t step away either because that is not being there for them and I would feel so guilty if something happened and I was the cause of that…
At school stuff is still not great either… and I just don’t feel like I have the power to change everything… I just keep getting overwhelmed and I’m starting to think more and more about that plan I made a couple of weeks ago… a few years ago I was thinking of suicide, but never had an actual plan until recently… I even thought about doing it this weekend but I chickened out… as usual… I don’t want to live like this anymore, but I also don’t have the power to change it… or not without others getting seriously hurt… so it would be better to just take the easy way out, you know? I don’t want to hurt the people around me, so maybe if I just disappear for a while, people could forget and I could just let everything go. And I know… I should call a crisis line when I get these thoughts, but… I think I’m past that… I can’t be happy or okay because i’m too confused about everything. “The world is against you” “it’s us vs them,” “you can only rely on blood, but also not because they have a secret agenda as well”… I just can’t take this anymore… I don’t completely trust anyone, not even myself (or maybe it’s better to say: “especially not myself”)… but I can’t undo that… and I can’t live like this… because it’s lonely and hopeless… it’s not gonna change… so I’m sorry if I’m ever going to do it…

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Hi nyntje.

Thank you so much for sharing, and I am so sorry that you’re feeling this way. It’s a lot and it’s heavy and just plain sucks.

In this post you’ve stated that you’re fine. And you’re going to be fine. Just remember it’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to struggle. I hope that you can find encouragement here and I also hope that you can find hope where there is light there is joy, there is a light at the end of the tunnel or anove the pit. Because I believe that is truth. I believe that there is hope, light, rest, and an end to our pain and suffering. I can’t tell you how that comes about or when it will come about for you but I do believe that it can and will happen for you.

Please remember if you are feeling suicidal to call a crisis number. I also believe that your life matters and it has a purpose and it has meaning. I want you to be able to get the help that you need. So if that does mean calling a crisis number or going into the doctors or the hospital to get that help, I hope you do. I hope you can find that help.

I really do appreciate you opening up and being vulnerable with how you are feeling. I am sorry that you feel this way and I am also sorry I don’t have much advise other than call someone if you are feeling suicidal. I hope you don’t mind, but I will be praying for you and your family member. I do hope things get better for you really soon. Please keep us updated. Hold fast. Hold strong. We’re here for you.

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Hey Megs,
Thanks for your response.
I’m not sure if a crisis line would help… Like the problems are still gonna be there the next day… And there’s a lot of things that I can’t do about them… And I’m starting to lose hope things will change, sorry. I can’t change what other people do or the way they interpret things… And I can’t make it that other people stick around or that I’ll magically trust people… There’s always that doubt.
It’s just really fucking complicated… Sorry…

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Hey nyntje,

You have no reason to apologize to me. It does sound like a really complicated situation and that just really sucks and is terrible.

Have you tried talking to a counselor or a therapist about what’s going on? A crisis hotline might help if you are feeling suicidal in the moment but long term, yeah, I can see how that may not be the best resource.

Have you tried journaling on how you are feeling and getting those feelings out on paper? I know when I feel overwhelmed even just journaling for myself to see has helped me.

I am sorry you feel like you can’t trust anyone completely anymore especially yourself. I can’t imagine that.

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Heya Nyn.

It’s Me. Duck.

Hey you, you are loved and you matter!

Know that I love you and I care for you!

If you need anything, contact me!

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I have been trying to talk with a therapist about this and tbh it just makes it more confusing… I don’t want to think that that family member lied to me my entire life and I don’t think that they really did, I think they just truly believe this narrative they made in their head, which might not be the truth. But at the same time, I can’t take that distance because I know that I am hurting them with it too, even if it were the better thing to do for me… I just don’t want to hurt them, you know what I mean? I would not be able to live with myself if I heard that they did something to themselves because of me…
And I have tried to journal, but for me it just shows again and again how difficult the situation is and how hopeless it is for me to change anything in it… sorry I don’t mean to be dismissive…
Thank you for your response <3

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You’re not being dismissive, not to me at least.

I do know what you mean by hurting family members by being distant. I had to set up some very strict boundaries with my father and I know that it really hurt his feelings. But it was the best thing for me and for my family that I did put those boundaries up. I had to do some tough love and self care for myself so that I wouldn’t be dragged down into his pit.

During that time, I had to remind myself that I am not responsible for my father’s actions or his response to the love and care that I was capable of showing him. I had to remind myself that I am in charge of my response and my actions and no one else’s. It sucked, it was hard, my sister didn’t understand and didn’t agree with me, but I had to do it. And if I could go back in time and do it over again, I would and I would probably do it sooner.

In all that to say, I admit I have no idea what’s going on in your life or how long it’s been going on, and I may never fully understand but I care about you. I hope you can find hope again, and a light at the end of the tunnel. If you don’t mind, I will be praying for you and your situation. That things change for the better, permanently.

I do so much care for you and @nyntje you are on my heart and in my prayers. Thank you for responding to me and again sharing how you are feeling.

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