i’m struggling to put into words what i’ve been feeling this past hour but i’ll try to sum it up.
We are trying to sell our house. It’s a mess right now and it’s embarrassing and it’s mostly my moms fault for always buying useless shit she never ends up using. She has cancer and my dads works all day and has a bad knee so we don’t ever really get around to cleaning. I don’t help because i’m severely depressed and have no motivation to do anything, as selfish as I now seem… My mom just wants to move everything out of the house and sell it as is but the floors in every room need to be replaced or nobody is going to buy this house for anywhere near the price we need it to sell for. She starts yelling at me after i say this and starts saying about how i always make her depressed when i say shit (practical shit) like that. It’s the fucking truth? i’m not going to go half ass and get the bare minimum for this house when we could get double if we just did the fucking floors. (I know from a practical realtor standpoint that this isn’t actually true but visual wise it’ll bring in more money) Then i get angry because she yelled at me and blamed for simply being practical so i got yelled at again for being angry so i calmly walked to my room and broke down crying because i’m never allowed to be angry or sad or anything around her. If i’m angry i’ll just get yelled at but if i do even the slightest thing and she gets angry suddenly it’s all my fault and she gets to feel this way because she has a cancer and ohh pity her boohoo for her. Then if i’m sad shes all like oh (name) i’m so sorry i have cancer oh i can’t be there for you. you were never fucking there to begin with? it’s been two years since you got cancer. where the fuck were you the other 14 years of my fucking life? Moving on… all of my clothes are dirty and i am washing them rn so i don’t have anything to wear so i’m just sitting in my room til they’re done and i’m being yelled at for also having dirty clothes. she wants me to help her move chairs out to the curb but i literally can’t because i have no fucking clothes but all she wants to do is yell at me and yell at me and blame me for it?? what am i supposed to do? grow fur??? also my rooms a total mess and i don’t have the motivation to clean it or even care and she applied for a cancer cleaning crew sort of thing where they come and help clean your house for free if you have cancer and i don’t want anybody coming into my room 1. because it’s embarrassing and 2. it makes me feel violated. some stranger in my room touching all of my belongings? that’s weird… i told my dad that too and he said to just clean it myself but literally nobody fûcking understands that as much as i want to, i literally CANT. I also have ADHD so on top of lack of motivation from being depressed i also have to deal with adhd lack of motivation and being unable to do soemthing unless i have interest in it. i get in the mood to clean like twice a year so… idk…
alsoooo… i have been nauseous for months now and i started taking acid reflux medicine which helped with everything but the nausea and now it’s not even helping with that stuff so i’m scared to eat but my stomach hurts from being hungry but again, i really don’t want to eat because i’ll just feel even more nauseous and have bad acid reflux : ) how fun!! i am seeing a gi (virtually??) soon but i have other theories. it could be from my pcos because i’ve never actually been fully tested but said it was very highly likely that i have it so i COULD just have bad ovarian cysts that cause the nausea. OR it could be from stress and anxiety because i do tend to hold down my emotions now and just convince myself i’m happy even though i’m not. kinda works but i still feel nauseous so it’s useless. uhh yeah that’s about all. if you read all of this, then thanks. OH WAIT NO I HAVE ONE MORE BIT IM SORRY I FORGOT I EVEN THOUGHT THIS LIKE TEN MINUTES AGO!! i was feeling reallt down and wanted to kill myself but i kept telling myself that i don’t have the guts to and that i wish somebody would just murder me (please if you’re reading this don’t actually murder me) but the fact is that i just want to die but i don’t actually want to die i just want everything to stop feeling so shit because literally nothing has ever gone good for me. i ahve this idea of a perfect plan going off when we move that i’ll be able to afford a puppy and a nice new pc and everything but in reality everything is probably just going to be the exact same and i’ll have had high hopes for nothing. that’s all now, thank you!!
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Hey justbunnys,
Sorry I am just now seeing this. It sounds like it was a really brutal day for you…well, even brutal season with all of the stress of selling the house and the pressure that’s put on your parents, which waterfalls down to you. It has only strained an already strained relationship. It feels like you didn’t need things to get worse, but here they are. And then for the stress to cause your body issues being able to handle all of that, it feels unfair and painful and like you wish you could just make things better…that your parents could just understand…that they could be kinder…that things wouldn’t have to be so damn hard…that life wouldn’t have to be so damn hard…it feels like you just want to wipe the slate clean, to stop feeling so overwhelmed and stressed every single day…but then something else happens and it feels like you get hit wave after wave after wave. Iknow it’s been a few weeks since this post, so I hope that things have been better for you…and I hope that soon you’ll be able to get the PC / puppy 