First of all, it made me pick a category before I could start typing. I do not feel worthless, actually. Which is surprising because feeling that way has been a battle all of my life. But I do fight with not feeling good enough. Which brings me to this post.
This last week I have been battling with self worth. Not so much that I feel completely worthless, just feeling like I’m not good enough in some areas. Ive been facing thoughts like I’m not as good as others. I don’t compare. I put a lot of time and energy into improving myself and helping others but sometimes there are things that pop up that make me feel like Im just not doing enough.
Imposter syndrome. Feeling a lot of self doubt and inadequacy.
I have been trying to work on things to help fight this. I’m working through Dwarf planet and have a friend who’s working through it with me. I’ve reached out to trusted people and talked about my feelings. I opened up to my partner and just shared my heart for a couple hours. This helps a little.
I just had a conversation recently that made me feel really sad and down on myself. There are a couple opportunities that have surfaced in the last few years that could be really good for me, but I have been unable to pursue due to my disablities, health and anxiety. It breaks my heart because there are things that I would love to be a part of and see in my heart that it could be something that would feel good but I know that I can’t. And this isn’t something that is me being negative. At all. There are just literally some things I have limitations on and cannot do. Ive come to accept my health issues a lot of the time and trying to accept myself as I am. I have been trying to practice self love. And acknowledge the strengths I have instead of focusing on what I can’t. But when I see things pop up that I would LOVE to be a part of it really makes me angry at my body. At my health. And the challenges I face. I am sad at my situation. My financial struggles. I feel down on myself when I want to be more helpful and more available but I can’t be a part of the things that would help me grow and improve in that area.
People say they see skills in me that I don’t always know how to recognize. People say that I am a positive and good influence in some areas. I’ve been given positions that I never thought I’d have but then feel guilty when I haven’t been able to fulfill the role at its max potential. I cap out. I can only work from home. I can only do certain things. And I hate that my body and my brain grow exhausted.
I have this issue, I’m not sure what it is called. Where my brain and my body will abruptly just become severely tired. Instant and abrupt NAP TIME! My body shuts down. My brain shuts off and I cannot function. I am forced to nap. I have no choice. If I don’t I get severe anxiety and sick. Its one of many things within my health struggles that makes working or being reliable a challenge. I was telling my partner yesterday how stressed this makes me feel. Because I cannot fight it. I have zero control over it. It happens even when I am rested and have a good sleeping pattern. The same with being over stimulated or overwhelmed. I run out of spoons and once I do my body ceases to function.
These things have really been feeding into not feeling good enough. Because I have a lot of passion do more. And I try to do what I can, but I am very sad where my health caps out. Its out of my control and just something I have to accept. Some days I am okay with it. I learn to live my best life with what I have. And I DO have good things. I just wish my body could do more of what I want it to do.