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A mess of emotions and memories


I came across a picture of my sisters boyfriend who died 6 years ago due to cancer complications, and it’s absolutely broken me. He was like an older brother to me, and I still feel the way I did when we got the phone call when the memories surface. I have so many regrets of not spending enough time with him, or not seeing him much before his death.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been 6 years but when the emotions hit it’s debilitating. I feel like I should be better with dealing with it all, or maybe it’s a trauma I’ll never get over. I was only starting high school when it happened, and lost my grandfather a month before. I find myself crying from the pain and memory, the regrets, and guilt. I just don’t know what to anymore…


It’s okay to miss him he had an impact on you. Even though the time you spent wasn’t as long as you would have liked it to have been. Cherish the time you did spend together. Please don’t beat yourself up emotionally I know that is easier said than done. You are coping and that is okay. If you feel comfortable have you tried talking to your sister or anyone else that knew him? It can help you get things off of your chest. Know that you are not alone and that it is okay to reach out whether it is here on Heart Support or offline with someone you trust.


@Perk21 I lost my grand father to throat cancer. I have regrets on some conversations that never happened. I wish I was a better grandson at times. I felt I lost my best friend. It helped me going back to old conversations and it helped me move forward.

I recommend talking to your sister about this and share how you are doing.

Love you and Hold Fast.


I posted this in the Twitch chat but wanted to make sure you were able to see it in case you missed it friend.

Man Perk I definitely understand this feeling. I lost my nephew who was like my older brother (I know my nephew was older and that sounds strange but roll with me) just over four years ago. He was always the person in the family who I could relate to since we were both the type of person to break the mold. To chase after our crazy creative dreams. It’s still hard when I see photos or his name pop up somewhere even just his first name.

My biggest thing I try to focus on is continuing with my creative efforts, carrying on the things he taught me, and trying to live up to the person I would want to show him I am/can be. He died to suicide after struggling with addiction on and off and that’s one of the biggest reason I focus so much on mental health in my streams and life in general. You’re not alone in these feelings AT ALL friend.


Thank you, I’ve been working on getting better about opening up to people. It’s been hard, but usually helps at least in a some way. I think a lot of my issue comes from not really having anyone there to help me grieve at the time. Everyone was helping my sister, which is completely right to do, I don’t think anyone realized the impact it had on me when I was younger.


Im sorry for your loss Perk21. Seems like this man was a very good guy to be around with.


Thank you. Being able to post on here has been wonderful especially when it’s hard to talk about in person. I’ll have to try going to back to conversations we used to have. A lot of the memories I have seem to be of the funerals and everything surrounding that. I’m gonna see if I can find any pictures from before they passed which may help bring back the happy memories.


Thank you. This community has been so helpful these past few months as my life seems to be a mess in so many different ways. I’ll have to work to be the person I’d want them to see me as like you said. That would help a lot I think.


Sorry for your loss. I lost a friend 4 years ago and it still hurts more than when i lost family members. I relate to almost every line on your post, to the point that I also don’t have an answer, but I sure can say you’re not alone in this.

Hold fast, we’re with you.


Hey man I totally understand that! My life feels like it has been a mess lately as well and the HeartSupport community has also been helpful to me. I’m glad you are here friend and you’re definitely not alone!


@Perk21 It is a process but it gets easier with practice. I get that they were trying to help your sister and that is okay but make sure that you have someone as well


I lost my mother, about 8 years ago now to cancer. I didn’t spend much time with her in the 2 years before she passed due to a bad fight. I do regret it, greatly, but realize I can’t turn back time.

If I ever get stuck into the idea that I didn’t spend that time with her, I try to instead redirect it to thinking about the time i DID get to spend with her, the good times…by the end I’m still a little sad, but I’m also left smiling because of the happy times I did get.


@Perk21 Hold Fast. You’re loved.


Thank you guys so much. This community is amazing and full of so much love and support. This Twitch chat has made my day so much better, thank you all!


Hey, I’m sorry you are going through this. I know the feeling too well. I lost my brother to cancer almost 20 years ago. As you likely know, the day-to-day stuff does get easier. I wish I could say the same for the random waves of grief. They do get less frequent, but there are still days I struggle, feeling like I did those nights twenty years ago. I think the best thing you can do is come up with a plan to help you find your feet again when it hits. Maybe find some folks that we’re close to your friend, and ask if you can talk when these random bouts come. If the anniversary is hard for you, try taking the day off if you can, so you can relax, remember your friend, and work through your feelings. That’s what I’m doing this year.
Hold fast, friend.