I had a rough childhood. Because of the things i experienced, i have struggled with depression since childhood. I don’t want to dive too much into that right now because I could be here for days typing. I attempted suicide when I was 14 and was hospitalized. I started therapy and medications and started to feel great, then stopped when I was about 16. I’m 28 now. I’ve been struggling off and on with my depression since. Over the last year and a half, pretty much since I had my youngest, I’ve suffered from anxiety. Over the past few months, I feel like I have just been crawling into a deeper, darker hole. I’ve gained weight, I am over-eating, I’m not sleeping well, I’ve pushed myself away from my husband and all of my friends, I can’t keep up at work, I can barely keep up with my daily home chores, I’m agitated easily with my kids, and I overall just feel like a crappy mom, wife, and friend.
I need help. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this. I so badly want to, but I can never seem to muster up the energy to do the things that I know will help make me feel better, like exercising, meditating, writing…literally anything. I was seeing a therapist briefly last year during my postpartum period, but she wasn’t only a postpartum therapist, and I could only see her 4 times, so I saved her visits for 1 per month. She was amazing, easy to connect with, listened, and always had productive ways to help out. And now I don’t have that and I feel alone. I am the type of person who can’t seem to talk to everyone close to me because I feel like a burden, and I often put everyone else’s happiness and wellbeing over my own.
I really want to be better. I don’t want to do this with medication because I never feel like myself when I take them.
Someone please be a voice of reason. Someone please help me out of this rut.