I had a rough childhood. Because of the things i experienced, i have struggled with depression since childhood. I don’t want to dive too much into that right now because I could be here for days typing. I attempted suicide when I was 14 and was hospitalized. I started therapy and medications and started to feel great, then stopped when I was about 16. I’m 28 now. I’ve been struggling off and on with my depression since. Over the last year and a half, pretty much since I had my youngest, I’ve suffered from anxiety. Over the past few months, I feel like I have just been crawling into a deeper, darker hole. I’ve gained weight, I am over-eating, I’m not sleeping well, I’ve pushed myself away from my husband and all of my friends, I can’t keep up at work, I can barely keep up with my daily home chores, I’m agitated easily with my kids, and I overall just feel like a crappy mom, wife, and friend.
I need help. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this. I so badly want to, but I can never seem to muster up the energy to do the things that I know will help make me feel better, like exercising, meditating, writing…literally anything. I was seeing a therapist briefly last year during my postpartum period, but she wasn’t only a postpartum therapist, and I could only see her 4 times, so I saved her visits for 1 per month. She was amazing, easy to connect with, listened, and always had productive ways to help out. And now I don’t have that and I feel alone. I am the type of person who can’t seem to talk to everyone close to me because I feel like a burden, and I often put everyone else’s happiness and wellbeing over my own.
I really want to be better. I don’t want to do this with medication because I never feel like myself when I take them.
Someone please be a voice of reason. Someone please help me out of this rut.
I want to thank you so much for reaching out here. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. I can imagine it must be difficult to take care of your mental health and check in with yourself while taking care of your family as well. So reaching out here and seeing a therapist in the past really takes a lot of strength. It sounds like your therapist was really helpful. Do you think finding a therapist that you could see more than once a month would be something you would be interested in? I can tell you really want to find healing from this and that you are very determined. With time, I believe you will fight this. You are not a burden. You are worth it.
I will defiantly keep you in my prayers, depression isn’t an easy thing and many people don’t want to understand that depression is a disease and it needs love, compassion and understanding. You are a good person it doesn’t change that and your a wonderful mother. Have you thought about getting a second opinion from another psychologist?
It sounds to me like you’re still suffering from Postpartum. It’s something that can take years to go away, my own mother suffered from it for 10 years before getting better. If at all possible I would recommend jumping back into therapy because it sound like it was really helping you at the time. Sometimes it’s also good to just take a step back and look at your kids and realize that they are happy and healthy and that alone proves you are a good mom! This may sound weird (sorry if I don’t word this part properly) but your kids can be a great tool in getting better as well, taking them outside or taking them to the park gives you an excuse to go out and get some fresh air and exercise.
I know the road to recovery isn’t easy but it’s a road you’ll be glad you went down in the end. Just know you are a strong woman and a great mom, if you weren’t you wouldn’t be so worried about whether or not you are.
You’re Stronger Than You Know!