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A note a wrote awhile ago

Um hey I wrote this a bit ago and in a little bit of a better mind set but I feel sharing it will help me get it out and not keep it in. Sorry for it’s length. Also TW for a lot of things but mainly self harm, suicidal thoughts and an insane amount of self hatred.

I am the worse. I just drag people down. I just hurt people. I can’t stop hurting people. I only hurt people. I can’t help them. I’m worthless. I am nothing. I only drag people down. I’ve hurt so many people. I deserve to feel the pain I caused. I deserve to have no one. I deserve to have everyone leave me. They’re going to do it anyway. So just force it to happen. You are nothing. You are the worse. You only hurt people. You don’t deserve food. You don’t deserve water. You don’t deserve the air you breathe. You don’t deserve to succeed. You deserve to fail. You deserve to fail and be on the streets all your life till you die. You don’t deserve comfort. You don’t friends. You deserve anything. You are noting and always be nothing. You are worthless and will always be worthless. You hurt people and will only hurt people. You only hurt people. You shouldn’t be near them. You’ll only hurt them. You shouldn’t have them as friends. You only hurt them. You shouldn’t talk to them. You shouldn’t be near them. You have to stay away before you hurt them. You have to get away from everyone before you hurt them. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are nothing you don’’t deserve anything. You don’t deserve to have food or water or air or friends or anything at all. You deserve pain and death. You only hurt people so you should be hurt. You’ve hut people so you should be hurt, You can’t be forgiven. You can never be forgiven. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. You don’t deserve anything. You are nothing. You are the worse. You are worthless. You are nothing. You don’t deserve anyone. You don’t deserve Liv and Breyan and Skyler and Danielle and Joey. You don’t deserve anyone. You don’t deserve anyone. You are nothing. You don’t deserve anyone or anything. You are worthless. You are nothing. You deserve pain. You deserve more pain. You deserve so much pain than you can’t stand. You deserve so much pain you can’t think. You deserve nothing. You deserve nothing. You are nothing. You only hurt people. You deserve pain. You don’t deserve them. You don’t deserve anyone. You are noting. You are worthless. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are a worthless piece of shit that deserves to die a painful death multiple times over. You deserve to be in so much pain that every thing is just a dream. That hope was just a dream. Because you don’t deserve hope. You don’t deserve anything. You don’t deserve anything. You are nothing. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU DESERVE TO STRUGGLE ALONE. YOU MUST STRUGGLE ALONE BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T THEN THEY WILL STRUGGLE. THEY DON’T DESERVE THAT NO ONE DESERVES THAT BUT YOU. YOU ARE THE WORST THING TO HAVE EVERY EXISTED. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING, YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU DESERVE PAIN. YOU DESERVE DEATH. YOU DESERVE PAIN. YOU DESERVE DEATH. YOU DESERVE PAIN. YOU DESERVE DEATH, YOU DESERVE PAIN. YOU DESERVE DEATH. I AM NOTHING BUT A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT THAT ONLY HURTS OTHERS AROUND IT. YOU ARE THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO ANYONE AND EVERYONE YOU MEET. YOU ARE A THING. YOU ARE NOT A PERSON. YOU ARE THING AND AS THING YOU DESERVE NOTHING. You are the fucking worst. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are the fucking worst. You only hurt people. That’s all you do. You are worthless. You are nothing. You are nothing. You are nothing. You are a fucking piece of fucking shit that deserves to fucking die ten billion times. Each time the pain gets worse. That’s what you deserve. You are nothing. You are the fucking worse. What would anyone care about you. You only drag others down. You only hurt people. You are the fucking worse. You shouldn’t exist. You only hurt people. Can you remember their faces? Can you? Or do they all blend together. You are the fucking worst. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to be hated. Why don’t they hate me. Why? I deserve to be hated. I need to be hated. If I’m not hated. It means no even notices me. At least when some one hates you they know you exist. You are nothing. You are the worse. You are the fucking worst. You don’t deserve anything You don’t deserve food. You don’t. You don’t deserve water. You don’t deserve air. You don’t deserve love. You don’t deserve friends. You deserve pain. You should have been hit by dad. You should have been hit by him when he was standing over you. You deserve it. You should have had it done to you. You worthless piece of fucking shit that deserves to be burned to a fucking crisp and then stab ten times then made sure to survive so that more pain can happen. Finally repeat over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. You deserve so much pain, You’ve caused so much pain. You deserve so much fucking pain. You deserve more and more pain by the second. You should just die. It would make everyone happier. Everyone would rejoice. Everyone wouldn’t care. Everyone would be fucking happy. Everyone would be so happy without you. You are the cause of their suffering. You are the cause of so much suffering. You cause so much fights. You cause so much pain. You cause so much agony. You are the worse. You are the fucking worse. You don’t deserve to exist. You don’t deserve to fucking exist every. You deserve to die. You deserve to fucking die alone. You deserve be alone forever. You don’t deserve anyone. You don’t deserve food. You don’t deserve water. You don’t deserve air. You don’t deserve space. You don’t deserve to be happy. You don’t deserve your friends. You don’t deserve anyone. You don’t deserve anyone or anything. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are nothing. You are worthless. You deserve to die where you are. You don’t deserve another second on this fucking earth. You don’t deserve anything but pain and death. You are unlovable. They don’t know the true you. The you that is unacceptable that you have a make to make sure it never comes out. The part of you that hurt people the part that no matter how hard you try will always be what you are. The part that has hurt person after person. The part that you can’t control. The part that is what you are. Everything else is a lie. You are a lie. You are nothing but a lie. And lies are worthless. They don’t matter so die. Just die. Just fucking die already and stop hurting people. You will only ever hurt people if you don’t die. You are still doing it now. At this moment. You are the people around you. You will confine to hurt them. You are nothing but a piece of fucking shit that deserves to die n the most painful ways possible. You aren’t worth the effort. They should find someone better to be a friend because I am nothing. Because I am worthless. Because I am flawed at a fundamental level that makes me unloveable. Because I only drag others down. Because I am worthless. I deserve to be alone. I deserve this pain. I deserve more pain. I deserve so much pain that it’s impossible to think; Impossible to be. I want so much pain. That I can never recover. I am flawed at such a basic level that I deserve death. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am the worst. I am the worst person to be alive no ever. I am the worst person to have ever existed. I am flawed, unworthy of love. Unworthy of life. Unworthy of everything. Unworthy of existence. I am nothing. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am worthless. I am nothing. I m worthless. I am nothing. I am worthless.

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You are worthy of living, you are so awesome! I love you so much! Please don’t believe these dam notes to yourslef.

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I try to not believe but it’s so ingrained into me mentally I can’t stop.

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I’m really glad you shared this, friend. It may not seem like it, but it’s a powerful step.

Thinking of you today. I remember that there will be a meeting with your therapist (?) and I hope it will go as you want. No matter what, we’re proud of you here. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Heart Support Friend!!
I am so sorry you are struggling with your value and self esteem at the moment. I’m sorry you are feeling so much pain and are suffering at the moment. I want to tell you that the things you are believing are a lie! I don’t know you in person but that dosnt matter because you as a human being deserve to feel loved and valued. You are so so loved and if no one has ever told you that then I am here to tell you! You are worthy of being respected, honoured by others, you are precious and one of a kind. I have struggled a lot with my own mental health so I understand what you are going through. Do you have a friend or someone to support you and encourage you when you are feeling low? If not please feel free to message me. I hope you know that you are made for a purpose and a reason. You deserve life and life abundantly! Please know how wonderful you are and that you do make a difference in the world. Keep fighting! I hope this helps a bit :heart::heart:

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Thanks for the kind words but I don’t deserve them. I have friends that I can talk about this with but I won’t because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anybody but it seems that’s all I do.

Yeah I have a meeting with my therapist but I don’t know if I can share the note. I don’t know if I deserve to.

I just got out of my sesion with my therapist and I failed to tell them about the notes that I have. I feel so bad. I still feel really worthless and nothing. Sorry

No you shouldn’t. Its hard to feel this way. To write this, to say it even. Take one thing at a time. If it wasnt today then its next time. You WILL be able to do it. You showed it here no? That’s a step further than not showing it like before. I hope one day you will tear that letter apart! And write yourself some encouraging words <3 I know you can find some here.

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I might never be able to show it. Heck this is one of the smallest notes that I have and I could never rip it up or delete it because it’s apart of me. It is me and even the smallest word of encouragement is met with thousands of words that I’m terbile and worthless. How do you fight that. How do fight when you’re outnumber that much. You can’t.

One of the most powerful and hardest word to say in this world is : No.
If you want to write negative then use it as a weapon against those thoughts.
No I won’t re read that tonight.
No today I wont write it.
No I will distract myself instead.
NO I won’t give up.
Until one day, maybe not tonight or the next week, but it will come to : No I am not that worthless… No, I am NOT worthless.

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But I am worthless. I really am. I don’t deserve any of these words that you people have given me. I don’t deserve them. I’m sorry

No. Your not. And what you think, other people don’t think. I’m sorry but you can’t decide what other people think of you. And if there are people here who say you are not worthless, then you are not. From what I see people here know the value of a life, and you never see it because your living it but from third person its easier to see. We become so blind when it comes to ourselves, everyone knows that, so for once place your trust in what people say and try saying it to yourself. They think you deserve these words, but you don’t and I can understand like I said: its hard to see it first person view but with a step back and a little bit of trust in good people and yourself. You will see it eventually. Like I said, not tonight, maybe not tomorrow but you will because you ARE worth it.
Imagine… just how many people you have supported here. Just that. Keep it in mind.

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I’ll try. That’s all I can promise because anything more than that and I wouldn’t be here.

Trying is a start :grinning: oh and look at that, you probably make other people happy by trying too!

Thank you!

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