It’s been awhile since things got so built up inside of me that I had to write it out but that happen earlier today. I’m now in a better head space but the emotions behind this is still stuck inside of me. Sorry if this bothering you. TW for suicidal thoughts and self harm I think I don’t remember everything I wrote.
I am nothing but a worthless piece of shit. Worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless. Nothing but a piece of shit. I don’t deserve any of the thing that I have. I don’t deserve them when others don’t have them. I don’t deserve anything. You are an idiot. You shouldn’t have said anything that day. You shouldn’t have played dodge ball. If you hadn’t no one would have gotten hurt you monster. You should just keep everything inside so you don’t hurt anyone but yourself. And if you feel like you’re going to exploded just hurt yourself. Just hurt yourself. It’s better to do that than others. Others are so much more important than you. You are the least important thing in existence. Everything else has more value than you because you are worthless. You don’t deserve to breathe. You don’t deserve to feel good. You don’t deserve anything but pain. That’s all you deserve. Nothing will every change that. You will always deserve pain. You will always be worthless. You always be like this. You all ways have been like this and nothing you do can ever change the fact that you are worthless. You are the worst. You are the worst thing to exist. You don’t even deserve to be called a thing because things have value and you don’t. You should just die. You shouldn’t be here. You should be dead. Others died before you and they were worth more. It’s your fault that everyone around you gets hurt. It’s your fault. All your fault. You shouldn’t have said anything. You shouldn’t have done anything. Why am I suck a good lier. I how the fuck did I manage lying to a trained therapist that I wasn’t suicidal and I had missed typed something. How did I lie so good that they believed it to the point that they convict my parents of it to. How did I do that. How did I lie that good. I should have gotten help then. I should been put in an inpatient 4 years ago. I should have but I was too good of a lier that not even a trained therapist could tell I was lying. I keep lying to him for another year and then I got a different one that I didn’t lie but saying I wasn’t but lying from omission. It took anchor fucking three years of thoughts until I went to a ward and by that point it was too late. Once I got out of it I went to a group therapy thing for about two months and when I got done with it is when I first attempted. The first of now 15 and no one can tell that I’m this broken. This depressed. This useless and worthless. I’m just too good of a lier. Too good at masking. Too good at faking a smile and faking a laugh even when I want to die. I’m just too good at faking to be saved. It’s my fault that I can’t be saved. I should have just told the truth that day but I didn’t and now I can’t be saved or fixed. I let myself break to much to be put back together. I’m in to many pieces. Too many fucking piece to be put back together. I’m such an idiot. I should have just said something from the start. No shouldn’t have. I should have kept it to myself more. Let people see even less. Let them think I’m fine so that they don’t get hurt trying to fix this broken thing. I should just disappear. It would be better for them and that’s what matters. That they are okay.
Well done for letting all of this out of your system. It may not produce the effects expected or an immediate relief as it is tied to deep emotions, but sharing what’s on your heart, being honest and vulnerable is always a good thing to do. Thank you once again for trusting this community, Paladin.
It took anchor fucking three years of thoughts until I went to a ward and by that point it was too late. Once I got out of it I went to a group therapy thing for about two months and when I got done with it is when I first attempted. The first of now 15 and no one can tell that I’m this broken. This depressed. This useless and worthless.
It is never too late friend. I’ve waited more than a decade to get the help I needed. My situation got worse and sometimes I bash myself too with that kind of thoughts and regrets. But, no matter what, we have to compose with what we have in the present moment. And, you’re not left with nothing from these years of waiting and hiding. You acknowledge that you were already in need of help at that time. That this is part of your story. And it’s also going to be part of what will make you grow.
You shouldn’t have said anything that day. You shouldn’t have played dodge ball. If you hadn’t no one would have gotten hurt you monster. You should just keep everything inside so you don’t hurt anyone but yourself.
It sounds that you had a very difficult experience. Would you like to talk about it more specifically? If that is safe for you aswell. It’s okay if the answer is no. I don’t want you to feel pressured in any way.
You are worthy. You are loved. Still and always. And even when your mind tries to convince you otherwise.
I feel guilt and shame because of something I did in my past. I’m here for you brother
Yeah do and it’s more of a bunch of specific ones that always come back to haunt me. They are the times I physically hurt people. The times that I was out of control and hurt people. The first time was when I was in kindergarten and I literary punched a girl name Emma in her chest. I still remember it clearly. Another time was when I got mad because about a game and I hurt a person by pushing them over a wall. Another time I got mad and yelled at a teacher and scared t. I hate myself for those but they aren’t even the worst ones. The worst ones where when I didn’t just hurt people around met people I didn’t know I hurt my friends and everyone around me. Those times are the times when I had no control. I said that I hated everyone and everything. I don’t know why they even put up with me after that. I’ve said to one my friends how I hate myself and it spilled over eventually into how I hate them. I hate myself for that so much. I remember a lot of the stupid things I said too but were just stupid. Those aren’t as bad but some the beliefs I have in the past I find so disgusting now I can’t believe I ever was that person.
I hope letting all this out of you has helped you. I know that you are in pain. I can see that. You also think bad things about yourself. But the truth is you are as important as everybody else. That is a fact. You just think that you are not. You just think that you are the worst whe in fact you are not. You try to help people. You regret hurting people, even those you not close with. You have worth to people and you have definitely proven your wort to me and everybody else here on heartsupport.
You call youself a monster but let me tell you a secret… every human is a monster. Every human is capable of being cruel or malevolet. What makes some people better than others is that they know it and they try to not let the monster take the best of them. You are one of those people.
When it comes to lying… well you should not lie to your therapist but sometimes we lie to protect ourselves or others from the demons that scare us. Sometimes we dont realise we are lying because we want to turn the lies into the truth. But that is just not the way the world works. Everybody lies Paladin including me. But i try to do something about it and you should too even tho onen can never truly stop lying we should still try. Just try to tell the truth when it truly matters ok.
Take care and stay safe
First off thank you for responding I’ve fallen back into a bad headspace of not deserving things and your response is helping get out of it again. I really wish that I believed that I was important as others. Is it actually a fact? I know it should be but my brain is fighting it so hard. Have I really shown my worth? I’m sorry I’m in a really bad headspace at the moment. I know that every human can be a monster. One of my favorite subjects in history but it really shows the duality of being human. So many different horrible things but that’s not important to me getting better. I’m not lying to my therapist anymore but I don’t know how I got away with lying to him. I don’t know how he didn’t know I was suicidal. I knew I was lying at the time. I knew I need to get help but I lied and I hate myself for doing that. I’ll try to take care also thank you.
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