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A Rant By Me

It’s so easy to just walk to the bathroom, my water bottle in hand, and pop too much pills right now. And I’m someone who has a super hard time taking pills. I’m sure I’m ready for death to take me, and I just need that ONE thing that pushes me over the edge. That ONE thing that doesn’t make me second guess my decision to leave this filthy place we call Earth.

I’m pretty positive that my mom hates me. My older brother is trusted with everything. My younger brother can do no wrong. He can stay up till 10:30 pm killing people on a goddamn video game but GOD FORBID IF I WANT TO READ AT 9:30! And I’m almost freaking 18 for crying out loud, I should be able to go to bed when I want to go to bed.

She whines when both of them never give her love and pushes me away when I give her love. She says “I love you” every night to them even though they never say it back and I say “I love you” every night to her even though she never says it back. And I’m apparently the rudest, most annoying person on this Earth if I feel sick or sore.

Because I’m most likely just a tool for her. I’M NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL SICK OR SORE BECAUSE THAT MEANS I CAN’T DO OR GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS. Which most likely is a massage.

And I try my hardest. I really do! Believe me. But NOTHING is ever good enough for her. My younger brother can get a goddamn C in a class and she’d praise him. I can get a F^CKING HIGH B (like 89% or something) AND SHE’D TELL ME TO BE MORE LIKE MY BROTHER.

I CAN TRY MY HARDEST FOR ANYTHING AND SHE WOULD STILL COMPARE ME TO HIM.

Heck. Even my nephew is showing his distaste for me. He runs to everyone, he says everyone’s name, he gives love to everyone. Except me. Whenever I’m near him, he pushes me away and says “no Jessqua.” (He can’t say my name right). He hits me and he does everything in his power to get me to go away.

I have a mother who puts on a façade that she loved me. I have an older brother who pretends that I don’t exist. I have a younger brother who is embarrassed he’s related to me. I have a father who always insults me and says I’m not allowed to be depressed. I have a nephew who pushes me away. I have friend who are honestly just people who know my name. I have teachers who seem to hate me (they mark me late even though I’m always early to class, they always call me out, they grade my work horribly even though I got the answers correct; saying that “I needed work,” when literally they said earlier in class that no one had to show work or some other example I’m too lazy to write down).

I’m done. I’m so done. At this point, I’m excited to experience that one thing that pushes me over the edge. I may be overreacting but usually my common sense disagrees with the insecure things I think. But thinking about my mom disliking me is one thing that my common sense agrees on because it’s sometimes so obvious.

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Hey dude, my name is Veronica.

This sounds so much like me when I was 17. I understand your frustration with your mother, I myself don’t get along with mine either and I’ve faced this same problem and she does the same thing to me. I’ve been there and done that with this, I’ve wanted to take my life at some point because of my mother as well. What I recommend is that you just hold on, life does get better and you won’t have to live with her forever. One day in her life, when you have a family of your own, you’ll realize how much you’ve grown as a person and so will she. Life gets better, I’m 25 years old and I’ve had to move back in with my parents. They’re both extremely abusive to me still and I can’t stand them. I know it might seem like there isn’t an end to the bullshit that is your mother, but one day it will stop. Also, you’re in high school, the people you meet there are usually fake and are temporary, don’t worry about it. I’m in graduate school and STILL don’t have friends. It’s whatever. High school is all bullshit and your grades don’t really matter as long as you can graduate. Go to community college and you’ll save SO much money. Or a trade school! I know this is annoying for you, and I remember what I would do when this would happen is to just ignore them. Do not feed into them saying things to you, they really want a reaction out of you. Do not give them the reaction they want.

For instance, this morning when I woke up my mom SCREAMED at me because I gave our dog Max some dog aspirin because he was limping. I just left the house and drove off to go walk on the beach for a bit. When I came home, she said, “where did you go?” and I replied, “To get away from you.” I think she understood that and she left me alone the rest of the day. My mom finally realized that I don’t have to put up with her shit anymore and that is SO powerful. And honestly, don’t care about what your mother thinks. You’re your own person! I was compared so many times to my sister and that I wasn’t like her. Seriously, my best advice is to not feed into your mother’s bullshit. Don’t worry about what others think about you, because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter! You’re probably a great person, and if you weren’t in the world a lot of people would be sad. Including me, and I don’t even know you. You matter to a lot of people. I’ve had to be hospitalized for my suicide attempts, my parents know that I’m mentally unstable if I don’t take my medicine. Also, medicine for depression is great. I highly recommend making an appointment with your doctor to talk about these things with her/him/they. That’s just my two cents. It’ll get better, even if you think it won’t I promise that you’re not going to feel this way forever. I’d be happy to talk more so you can feel better. Also, my nephews don’t like me either I’m sure. But it’s whatever, life goes on and I got other things I need to worry about like myself.

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