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A stupid fight with my sister that's my fault

It’s hard to figure out what to say here.
I had a big fight with my oldest sister. Me and my two older sisters are tight. We grew up close and still are. We occasionally squabble, but I haven’t fought with my oldest sister Sammy like this in a long time.
I don’t even know how it got out of control. Sammy usually stays at her boyfriend’s house. Me, my other sister and Dad are currently staying in an apartment, spending some time away from my mom. We’re going through some family issues right now.

I feel awful. Sammy got the apartment for us, brought stuff over for us, she always does stuff for us. I’ve been so stressed out lately. Along with the family situation, I fell behind in school and am working hard to catch up. I’m constantly worried about our cats at home because I know my mom doesn’t give a damn about them. Sammy tries to help me with my schoolwork.
Sammy wanted to pluck my white hairs and I wouldn’t let her. I said I always let her but today I didn’t want her to.
She said just one more, and brought up how she’s always doing stuff for us.
I got angrier. I felt like I was being manipulated. She called me an ungrateful brat.
Things got worse. I just feel really sad and tired right now.
I know she’s right. I never want to put in effort, try my absolute hardest. I didn’t mean to make such a big deal out of a little thing. I know I’m ungrateful. That is true. I’m not some good little sister. I’m someone who gets mad easily and as the youngest grew up spoiled.
I’m saying this because I don’t want people to tell me how it’s okay, it’s not my fault and I’m a good person and things won’t always be this way, they’ll get better. I know things won’t always be like this.
I guess I just want to know how to apologize to my sister. How to make myself a better person. I made a mistake. I don’t need comfort. I just want all of this to go away. I want to go back to when we were kids.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

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Yeah, it’s hard to feel like when you compare yourself to someone else, your frustrations aren’t warranted. Like – she is such a good person and has done these good things for me; whereas, I am someone who does not do anything for her and isn’t grateful enough for what she does for me. And then, she asks you for something, and you “have the nerve” to tell her no? Feels like it’s your problem.

What’s interesting is that if you go and apologize to her, what you’re telling yourself is that I can only voice my frustrations or emotions if I “deserve to”. Which is a way of saying that you don’t actually deserve to have a voice, since what you’d be apologizing for is being undeserving. And the truth is that’s just bullshit.

I struggle with this in my marriage. I feel I have done “so many more wrongs” to my wife than she has done to me, and so I feel that when I have a frustration, I almost don’t even deserve to voice it to her because what’s my frustration against the pain I’ve caused her? I don’t deserve to tell her about it, I should just shut up.

Different context, but similar feelings…and I have been fighting to say – NO. That’s not how relationships work. Relationships require for both people to be open, for both people to voice their feelings, for both people to participate…and when you shut yourself down, it’s actually shutting the relationship down too. And most importantly, it’s shutting your heart down.

It was actually okay for you to say no I don’t want you to do that. There likely could have been better conflict management, right, like not having the incident descend you guys into a fight. Or whatever. But the core desire to have control over your body and your hair is totally within your right to do so…and more specifically, it’s within your right to tell her that something she’s doing is frustrating you.

But I think this specific situation is really pointing to a deeper issue of feeling unworthy in general…that even when I tell you this, you still feel unworthy, and you’d rather just apologize because it feels more natural, more safe…if you stay in this conviction that voicing your frustrations is OK, then you’re putting yourself up to be vulnerable to someone saying – no, you are lazy, you are a brat, you don’t deserve that. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame you if you ended up just giving in to the easy way, because you’ve been told your whole life you don’t deserve it. I struggle with it in my life too. You aren’t alone here.

I suppose what I’m really driving at is that you are deserving. You are worthy. And even though it may take many years to believe that (at least that’s the case in my story, still a process), it’s important for me as someone who isn’t you (ha) to tell you the truth.

Your sister is a good helper. Doesn’t disqualify your emotions from being voiced.
You not putting in the same effort or success or help. Doesn’t disqualify you from saying that frustrated me.
You are not disqualified. You are not undeserving of a voice.

It’s just the truth :hrtcaseyshrug:

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Why am I worthy or deserving though? I’m just a kid who hasn’t done anything to help the world, who doesn’t appreciate many good things in my life that I have.

How can our relationship work if I voice my frustrations and she isn’t happy?

Is there a “wrong time” to voice your feelings/frustration?

What if my frustration was “wrong”? I mean, when things get tough, you can’t just complain all the time. Sometimes you have to suck it up and deal with it, right? My sister has done that lots of times to me, sucking up issues she has with me. I deserve a voice, but how can I be a good sister and not be selfish?

My sister isn’t some friend I can dump when we don’t get along. If I speak my heart and she speaks hers and they’re opposite, how is our relationship ever going to work?

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I do feel unworthy all the time. I’m the youngest in my family. My sister is a nurse, and my other sister is a straight A student with honors. And me? I was bullied in elementary and now I’m in high school and I still have not gotten over the emotional pain. When I would complain about something small and stupid (when I was younger) like swallowing a vitamin pill, my father would always tell me to shut up and swallow it, it’ll be fine, your sisters did this. Whenever we go to a relative’s house or something, people always ask my sisters about their lives and ignore me. I get why, because nothing interesting is really going on in my life, but it still bothers me.

How can I be okay with myself?