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A suicide note. It’s over


#1

I’m sorry. I’ve been trying so hard to hold myself together, but honestly, as soon as I step away from streams and no longer have my family around me, I just crumble.
Tonight I threw away some of the last blades I had after relapsing in my self harm about a week ago… Now just a few hours later they’re replaced by knives that will probably do more than those blades honestly would have. I am SO grateful for this community and everyone in it, if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have made it this far. However, my battle ends here. I’m here to see the amazing fundraiser and event through to the end, but after this final stream of the week, I’m ready to go. I can’t fight any longer. My parents do nothing but abuse me, even when I’m not even home. my addiction is at the forefront of my every thought and I can’t take anymore. All I ever wanted to do is help people - but when I try it just gets thrown back in my face and there’s no appreciation what-so-ever. I don’t do what I do for the recognition, but a little bit of appreciation wouldn’t go a miss. I am so sorry to the people who have put in as much time as they have to help me get to where I am and I am so grateful for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you all proud. I’m sorry I couldn’t show you all the love and dedication you deserve. I just don’t have the fight in me to do this anymore. I guess in a few hours it’ll be the end of the road for me unless something drastically changes before then. I love you all.

Hold fast.
Michaela.


#2

Hey there,

Please don’t do it. People here care about you, and we want to see you okay. Do you have anyone you could call to watch over you or even just talk to? Please reach out to them if you do, or if it is doable, the suicide hotline.

We love you!


#3

Hey can you text my friend they said they wanted to help you out: 741741

ok that’s not actually my friend it’s the crisis text line

just send them the word “home”
pls

ok

USA: 1-800-273-8255

Edit: (I’m gonna write more stuff but I wanted to get that out of the way first)
I’m trying to think of what I could say to make you change your mind but I don’t really know if you would listen to any of it. It sounds more like you want others to listen to you instead.
What do you mean by

Did someone say or do something as a result of you trying to give advice? I’d like to hear more about what happened (as much as you’re comfortable sharing, obviously). I’ve been on both sides of that where I’m frustrated when someone asks for my opinion then ignores it and refuses to change; and when I get really frustrated (irrationally so) when I hear advice from someone. I’ve had bugouts on people before when I felt like they were trying too hard to help me, and it’s totally not on the person helping me, it’s on me for reacting in an extreme way.

This also stood out to me. I’m so sorry that your parents treat you that way. You don’t deserve that.

I was listening to this episode (http://mentalpod.com/archives/4957) of the Mental Illness Happy Hour yesterday and what you said kind of reminds me of something the host, Paul, said in regards to a friend of his who recently passed away:
7:19 “She was the first person that put out the concept to me, that I don’t have to DO anything to be lovable. Human beings just are worthy of love, just by existing.”

So I guess, to turn your words around on you, are you going to let us show you all the love and dedication YOU deserve?

I hope something does drastically change before then.


#4

Kayla,

Please don’t do It, you are loved and cared for by everyone in this community. I understand that your home situation might be hard, but ending your life isn’t the right solution.

I hope that you’re able to move out or go somewhere else to get away from this abuse that we’ve heard of before.

Here in this community, we love you! There’s always someone online in the HeartSupport’s Media sites, such as Twitch, Discord and this forum. If you come here you know you will be loved and I hope that makes you feel better and that moderating that chat isn’t stopping you from enjoying it.

Stay Strong, Kayla

Adam


#5

You say how much the stream helps you, but miss it when it’s not on. We all need Real World - in person- friends and counsellors. Have you tried going to a local non-denominatiional church or social group or group for others in a similar situation to yourself?


#6

HAS ANYONE HEARD OF HER??? does anyone have a way to contact her? i know she on HS discord but i cant get on because im in school and it blocked PLEASE someone ;( i dont want to lose her i love her like she family ;( @Kayla please sweetie


#7

Hey Jace,

Sweet of you to be concerned. she has been talking on Discord and talking to people, so I hope this has rested your worries partly.

Adam


#8

YES thank you so much ;( i known her for long time i can’t lose her she been there for me I want to be there for her tell her


#9

My email is - [email protected] @Kayla text me on that if u want i just text and make sure ur ok
I can’t get on my discord because im at school and they have it blocked ill be back home at 4:00pm EST time


#10

Hey Jace - I’m here, it’s okay. I’ll be in the stream today too.


#11

(hugs) sweetie you feeling any better? do you think u need go the hosptial ?


#12

Are you still here? Are you ok?


#13

Dear Kayla,
Hi my name is Ray and I know I’m just a tiny person in the big, bad world but I am a tiny little person with a lot to say to you because jesus christ, suicide is huge. Trust me, I know. Attempted and bereaved by it because my best friend was as desperate as you and didn’t reach out in time, I’ve lived both sides and I know that the urge to end your life can be overwhelming but I am asking you to hear me out - even if you think nobody cares, someone always does and your death would affect so many more than you realise right now. Even if it feels like nobody cares, we do - scrolling down and seeing these replies shows that our community values you and is praying for you. We, alongside all your friends and loved ones, would grieve for you and mourn your absence forever - and forever is a really long time. People don’t just push it under the rug and forget about it because your pains would become ours.
Please, even if you feel completely lost and alone, call the suicide Hotline for your country - they care, because they volunteered to help people like you and they won’t leave you alone. We won’t let you struggle through this alone and we certainly wouldn’t let you be lost if we can prevent it.
I love you. WE love you :purple_heart: You are so strong and we are so, so proud of every breath that you make, and every step you’re gonna take. From all of us, you are so valued and loved.
-Ray


#14

She ok I would let you know