A tale of a man struggling with himself

Think here, about someone who has never known what true family was. From a young age, by his closest family, he was treated like he was the lowest being that could have ever walked the earth. The disconnection from his parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents were as if they could be in the same room as him but either didn’t notice or made it a hassle when he was around. There were times of broken love statements and attempts to prove care through trips and giving gifts. There were not times of true understanding though. He could never communicate with any of them about his struggles within his own head without fear of backlash.

Now imagine this continues into his mid to late 30s. His family has found every way to claim love without ever seeking a true understanding. Not one of them cared enough to love while he was seeking every way to understand them. He sought after so many ways to provide support and love to his family all while being turned away. The pain in his life comes back every now and then. From past abuses of family members and family members close friends to current struggles. For him, some days get so hard to deal with the anguish that he doesn’t know how to gather the power to keep marching on. He would tell you he doesn’t like himself in those times. He would tell you he disassociates so immensely he forgets he’s even there. He isn’t the perfect human but he sure does seek perfection. He lives in the mind he has created for himself and it occasionally brings him to his knees. Sometimes he can’t get out of bed. Sometimes he forgets to eat. Every now and then he forgets to sleep. He spends his hard days researching favorite topics and other self improvements. He’s introverted but extroverted around those he feels safe with. Music is his soul and it makes his skin tingle and the feeling of excitement when something relates. Sometimes he cries to himself at night when no one can see him. He sometimes doesn’t know what hygiene even is. Sometimes a shower isn’t on his mind for weeks when he is in his bad place. Sometimes he uses his argumentative skills online to shut down trolls and people who hate others for being themselves without them causing any harm. He has good days and he finds them to be precious but the bad days are dreaded. He is in constant fear of it getting bad again. This is a man in the pursuit of loving himself but can’t seem to succeed at some intersections.

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Wow I feel this at a very strong level. I get it man, I’m in the same place. I feel completely lost in my life, the things that happen to me/drama that existed in my childhood has leaked over into my career life/future life. Some point along the way I let it all get the best of me and lost my passion and direction towards what my heart wants. Still wants. I have a wife and we are saving for a house, planning to have kids and all that is something I want in life yet I’m still super depressed because I feel like I have no purpose in life or have found my purpose and that beats me up every day. I’m telling you all this to let you know your not alone and man I just wish we both had a group of friends that get together every week to eat/hangout/catch up/support each other. I need strong relationships and passion in my life more than ever and I think that’s something you need too. (Just my opinion, not professional). I don’t have a answer but just know your not the only one looking for it in this tough world.