So I did end up talking to someone. Instead of counselor I talked to my band directors, mainly because as a musician i feel more trust with them. They had to contact my schools vp and crisis counselor for obvious reasons. I was so scared honestly but, i know I needed to make a move to save myself. They contacted my family and god it’s such a strange feeling being so vulnerable. I’m never open about the battles I face so you can see why thats the case. I haven’t even began to let everything out yet, I know this is all apart of the first step though. So my grandma found my blade and the social worker told her everything. I feel bad for not being able to say anything to her face but, at the very least my family knows. I don’t have it in me to talk about this to their faces yet. A part of me is almost angry that I can be stopped now. That i can’t just hurt myself or that if i try to do anything they’ll get suspicious. The other part of me, that part that has hope is happy that they know. At the very least I feel relieved not having to hide anything. It’s made me see things differently as well. I’m still heavily struggling with my self-destructive thoughts. I have this, hope? Or love? In me from reaching out. I’m not sure how to describe it but whatever it is, its made me see the brokenness in other people and want to help out even more. It’s made me more honest with others just so people know they aren’t alone. Right now I’m just in such an unreal state. Things are foggy and unsure. The only things I’m sure of right now are these things. I’m struggling with so much self doubt and thats okay. I know I am so full of love for others, i want to help others and empathy is what my whole being thrives on. I crave humanity. I love poetry and music. I love creating in general. I just don’t know how all this mess fits into my life, my purpose. It looks like a sloppy emotional wreck to me. I feel almost childish for feeling so intensely. I can only hope that this all shapes me into something purposeful. I have 3 months left till I graduate high school and everything feels so scary right now. Again, I’m scared and unsure. I want to thank this community so much as well. You’ve all helped me feel less alone and given me a good sense of humanity. Especially @Danjo and @Casers for the twitch streams I watch them every chance I get. Funny the day you do my own post I couldn’t watch live. (I’m @autumnrg99 on twitch) but those streams bring me so much comfort. My mind can be such a frightening place and slowly I’ve became more vulnerable because of hs, you could definitely say that if it weren’t for this community i probably wouldn’t have built up such courage to reach out. Along with my friend who actually sent me the suicide hotline. I think thats what really set things in stone for me, made me realize that I can’t just do this on my own. I hope this helps anyone else struggling💖
I’m proud of you for taking the step to talk to someone. I know how scary that is! It’s good to be vulnerable sometimes. Now people can be aware of what you are going through and help you.
I’m glad too that the community can be such a positive place for you. I hope that as you continue to go on your journey that you find more people who will encourage you, lift you up and support you.
Keep fighting and keep being open to whoever is safe for you so that you can continue to heal and find what is good for you!
Much love to you my friend.