A Vicious Circle

So i heard about this site from an As i lay dying video, and figured id give it a try since I’m looking for help wether it be a site or a doctor. Im gonna try and make this as short but in detail as i can. As a kid i dealt with bullying, struggle with school and yealing in my household. My father did most of the shouting at me my sister and mother (it never got physical) but anyway he had a short fuze. between the combination i was an introvert kid not realizing it at the time or understanding i was doing it. Kids in the neighborhood picked on me as well, that made me keep to myself even more. Fast forward to age 16 me and my dad spent the day together getting food, him watching me ice skate ( he was a big guy, so he couldn’t pare take) anyway the next day was back to school from spring break. I wake up to my mom screaming like something out of a horror film. My dad was on the floor and unresponsive, he was pronounced dead at 51 (2006). for the rest of high school it was very hard, well harder since i was struggling to do well, i began to not care and thought to myself im not gonna amount to much anyway why bother trying? ( 2008) i drop out because i was missing so many days. OH by the way i got a job at my local grocery store to start making money for me and to help my mom if need be (2006) shortly after dads passing. fast forward again 2015, up until about november of this year i didnt really have any good friends that would keep in touch or call to see whats up or just hang out, occasionally i would hang with ppl from work but in the back of my mind it was just something for me to get out of the house and do not that those ppl and i were close. so november rolls around and i get back in touch with an old friend from high school and that starts me on some cool times hanging out with her and her husband, which our now my best friends/ family. Fast forward one last time (2019) Im 29 yrs old btw, what im currently going threw. i work a 40 hr a week job which i could careless for but hey thats anyone of us. the hours are all over the place, i have trouble sleeping at night so ill get 6 hrs or less a night. im an introvert and am aware of this, I’ve gotten so used to being by myself that id rather be home than around ppl. unfortunately i still live at home because South FL is to expensive for me, but i feel our generation alot of ppl my age still live at home. i do suffer from anxiety and depression, which i feel is becoming something else because im always aggravated from the time i wake up (at almost everything and everyone) to when i go to bed which i hate because thats not me. And all these years later i can understand what my dad may have been going threw, SO i am my fathers son because i feel im going down a similar path. I have been single for some time, which sucks but i feel i also couldn’t handle it because i would do to her what my dad did to the house hold, is just lose my cool at what ever annoyed me. so i feel i have to make myself better before i find someone. which is going to be harder since im 29 and online dating sucks. so between ALL of this, mostly anger, feeling alone, not being in a relationship , working at my job . i feel over whelmed and stuck in the tracks, i have tried talking to friends but they will understand but not a solution ( which i understand they wont have one) especially when then have depression/problems of there own . I have talked to my mom and other family and say the same thing, See a doctor get meds it’ll help. but being numb from meds wont help the way i think or change the way i am, or atleast maybe i should try and see IDK. i just distract myself with music, tv or video games. because being stuck with my thoughts, and having them wonder making me feel worse is horrible. - my life is, A Vicious circle.

Hi @Heyitsbad I understand what your going through man. I have really bad anxiety problems and also feel like I’m dead stuck in the tracks. What I’m most proud of you about is that you understand your problems and at least are trying to cope with them. You recognize that your are an introvert and struggle with depression, your one step closer to finding the solution. I truly believe In my heart that your going to find the woman of your dreams soon. A positive and a negative attract! It’s basic science 101! Your going to find your outlet. She’s going to be the one you can plug into and brighten your day 100 fold. Right now your stuck, but I feel that all you need is a positive push in the right direction. I don’t know if you believe in meditation, but for me music and meditation are a huge stress and anger reliever. Just take a deep breathe in and out when things get tough, and always know I’ll be here for you, friend.

I believe in you,

I am SO sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been on you and your family. Even with all of his shouting, he was still your dad and losing loved ones is tough. Especially with you being so young.

Like you, I dealt with a lot of bullying when I was at school. All the way from elementary through Jr High. Like you, I was introverted and kept to myself. And later I was pulled out of school after entering the 9th grade. I had a lot of mental health issues. Severe anxiety and depression, and I struggled in school due to learning disabilities and focusing issues. So I know the struggles there. You are not alone.

I am so glad that you were able to reconnect with an old friend though! That is really great. I don’t have many friends myself. But I have one good friend who I have carried with me through out the years. We don’t get to see each other as we dont live in the same state, but sometimes it’s nice knowing that you have even just one person that you can count on as a close friend. So I’m glad that you have that with your friend and her husband.

Unfortunately it’s true, a lot of people work full time jobs that they don’t really care about, but they do it anyway because it brings in the money. And that’s tough. Like you, I live with my boyfriends parents. We are trying to get on our feet. I’m 33 almost 34. We all go at our pace, you know? Florida def can be expensive that’s for sure.

And like you I also battle with depression and anxiety. Which very well could be the reason why you feel so aggravated. When you are struggling so much it’s only normal to feel that way and have a hard time being in a better mood. It makes sense. I get snappy and irritable at things and people. That is bound to happen when you feel like crap and you aren’t getting enough sleep. Our sleep and dietary habits have a huge impact on how we feel on a day to day basis. If our bodies aren’t getting what we need its only natural that we’d feel grumpy and glum.

You know, you don’t have to go down the same path as your dad. My mom yelled at a lot too. She was a very angry and abusive person. Not just to myself but to a lot of people. She’s toxic. We don’t have to follow in their footsteps. Sure you may battle some of the same mental health issues that your dad or other family members have, but that doesn’t have to define you or own your life. For so long I let anger take me over. I became bitter in my depression and I felt like I was so much like my mother. But you know what, NO. We are our own people. It’s understandable that you are having a hard time and that’s okay. But it can get better and you can rise above this.

But it’s good that you know that it may be good to work on you first. That doesn’t mean you arent deserving or good enough for a relationship. But working on yourself and helping YOU first does make a huge difference. You don’t have to be perfect to worthy of a relationship. As long as you trying, that’s all that matters.

It’s good to have friends that can understand. To at least listen. But I know that it can be hard for them to know how to give a solution. I’m kinda in the same boat. In the end, we somehow have to find it within ourselves to help ourselves. To push ourselves to take those steps to get better. It’s hard, but nothing can cure us better than ourselves. There are things that can help along the way, but they don’t work all by themselves. Medication can be very helpful in the process. It helps keep us balanced, energized and together. But they won’t work without us also putting in that effort. Its kinda like dieting. You can’t just rely on not eating food or taking suplements. You have to exercise too. That’s how our mental health works. The medication wont work alone. We have to help it by, trying to take care of ourselves. Through trying to practice healthy routines, sleeping habits, dietary habits and even therapy. All of these things go hand in hand.

It’s what I am currently trying to work on. It can be really hard to find that balance. I know trust me. But you are not alone my friend. You are so important and so valued. Here we want to offer you loving and understanding. Encouragement. As you walk this journey through healing.

Heart Support has all kinds of resources that you can use and take advantage of. They have two books. One for depression that is called Dwarf Planet and one for self harm called Re-Write. They will send you those at no cost to you! They also have a free 7 day trial for an online counseling service that you can try through Better Help. The referral link can be found on Heart Supports Twitch page. I have put together a link to all of those things here.

There is also a bunch of mental health videos there, meditation videos, relaxing mind calming music and more. Check it out. See if something can be of help to you.

So much love to you my friend. I am so glad that you came and opened up here. I hope that you find this a safe place in the future. We are all friends here and want to help each other get through the hardships we are all battling.

  • Kitty

Thank you very much, i will definitely take advantage of these links.