Often I feel up, almost too up, and make stupid decisions, get ambitious, talk too much. Out of nowhere I start feeling down, way down and regret the decisions I made, the positive thoughts I had seem stupid and ridiculous, I hate the things I said, I hate that I was more social and talkative than normal. And when I feel down I always want to end my life. It’s a constant thought, it isn’t one I would ever go through with because I’m not going to do that to my (few) friends and family, but my mind is always telling myself that I should just disappear because I’m useless, worthless, and mean nothing. When I feel down I shut myself down from people, I don’t want to talk, I fear talking to even close friends sometimes because I feel like a burden and like I’m not wanted. This then makes me feel like the people in my life who I’ve kept on the other side of the wall that I built now hate me which makes me distance myself even further.
Lately I’ve been feeling down, extremely down. I’ve been distancing myself from people unintentionally, haven’t been interacting with communities that I’m a part of nearly as much, haven’t been streaming like I typically would, social media notifications are piling up because I don’t want to deal with social media, and I can’t the thought that I’m worthless and waste of space out of my head and it lingers daily.
I’m really not sure if any of this makes any sense. These are just my thoughts at the moment and I’ve been drinking a bit to at least try to drown out a bit of the pain? It doesn’t really help for making a coherent post though. Basically what I’m trying to say is basically I feel like a waste of space, I have REALLY high highs and REALLY low lows and I’m on a very deep low at the moment. I feel like I want to self harm which I haven’t done for quite some time.
@nestarion I’m sorry that your emotions are playing games. But PLEASE do not slip in to the addiction of self harm and alcohol. As an addict myself I can promise you it’s not worth it. I’m struggling like crazy to get away from it now. If you have problems talking to your friends then maybe try texting them. It sounds like you should reach out to your doctor… you’ve made the first step by being here, you should be proud. You’re not a waste of space and you won’t be a burden. Keep fighting. Reach out
Hi @nestarion , I’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with all these emotions right now. I understand the high highs and the low lows. Please do not give up on yourself. It’s totally okay to not want to have social media at the moment. it’s cool to take a step back from everything and give yourself a chance to breathe. you are by no means a waste of space. you were put here for a reason. something that helps me is doing daily “brain dumps” just writing everything you are thinking can help even a little. Or putting on music and trying to work out. even for 20-30 minutes. it’s a great way to get out any negative energy you may be feeling. I hope things start looking up for you.
Thank you for having the confidence to trust us with your thoughts; it means a lot. I wish I knew more of your backstory. When you say that you have extreme highs and lows, have you considered being checked for a possible bipolar disorder? There’s no shame in having it or getting checked up for it - we just want to see you get better. In the meantime, please know that you are valuable and we care for you. Your life is worth so much. You’re strong. You can do this.
nestarion, i am so sorry your going through this, you are not a worthless, your not a waste of space, and please don’t self harm cause that isn’t gonna help i promise its just gonna make situations worse. just know you are worth it friend.