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A whole garbage can of thoughts


#1

Right now I can’t stop thinking. I wish that I could perfectly lay out my thoughts but that is impossible. I feel like a loser and a wimp and not good enough.

I say that all the time though- so doesn’t it get old to hear from me? That thought there makes me think I am a bother; and sometimes when I go through periods of being happy- like recently- and feeling genuinely happy and being able to help people, when I get back to this low point I feel like a bother- like my helping is bothersome and it doesn’t really help.

I feel like I can’t take the truth- or the reality of this world we live in. I feel like I’m a lazy piece of garbage who isn’t going to do anything with their life. I wish I could explain why I felt like this- I wish I could explain my exact feelings.

I wish that people could step into my body and see the stuff that I feel- just so people could literally feel it- feel the not being able to breath and the panic. But I’m sure we all wish that.

I am going to see my sister I haven’t seen in 10 years tomorrow- I’m going to see her graduate- and right now it’s just rough because I haven’t seen her in 10 years. I’m scared that I won’t fit in with her. My sister and her talk all the time- but she doesn’t really talk to me. Maybe that’s just a stupid thought of me.

I still don’t feel like I explains myself enough.

You know, I just wish that I could be that strong person that people might see when I attempt to help people. I wish that I could actually be that- but I’m not.

I’m weak and brittle, I’m emotional and monotone outside of the internet, I’m dull. I am so sick of myself. I wish I could be strong, but I’m not.


#2

Lyss,

First let me tell you that you’re encouragement is never a burden, or something bad, but yet it’s desired appreciated and loved! Don’t ever feel like it’s not, and don’t beat yourself up! You’re such an encouragement to me and so many others, you’re active on the support wall constantly trying to encourage people. And I can’t count how many times you’ve been encouraging people, including me in discord, it means so much to me, and I’m sure to others as well! So don’t ever feel like it’s you being a burden, or even see it as a bad thing because it’s not.

Also Lyss, the world is a scary place. There’s a lot of scary battles, and people in this world, but it’s something that we all have to face, and we can face together! You’re beating yourself up too much. You say you feel like a lazy piece of garbage, and first I can tell you that’s not true, but also have you thought about doing something to occupy your time.

I don’t know your life story, but have you thought about maybe going and working a part time job, volunteering, or other things that would make you feel good! Like I said above I see that you’re active on the support wall and in the discord, so that’s great. But see if you can find something that you can start doing that will make you feel better, don’t worry about other people!

When it comes to the situation with your sister, you’re probably just overthinking because you don’t know what to expect, and the fear of the unknown. Go in with a positive attitude, and hope for the best. Go in open minded, looking forward to spending time with her.

And lastly Lyss, you are strong. You’re one of the strongest people I know to be honest! You’re strong because you reach out for support, and you’re not afraid to admit and ask for help! That’s being strong! You’re strong for helping others! I love you friend, hold fast, and know we are here for you and believe in you.

~Hold Fast,
Monkey


#3

Thanks for your words.

I feel like my mind is just like a ball of wound up chords that can never be separated. If that makes sense.


#4

Dear Lyss,
First and foremost, know that we don’t get tired of you :slight_smile: we love you! You can come here as many times as you need and we are eager to lend a listening ear and support. You are loved and we value your voice.
I am sorry you are going through what seems like some pretty bad self esteem. You would be surprised how many people deal with the same issue you are facing. You are not alone in your struggle. Also know that you can do great things. My mother has dealt with poor self esteem for her whole life and yet she has been able to like a productive and fulfilling life. You can too :slight_smile:

Keep fighting the good fight. We are here for you and try being there for yourself too.


#5

Lyss! I’m gunna start this off with this. YOU ARE NOT A BOTHER. You are ALWAYS here for the people that need love and support and it’s totally ok to come down from there and need a little love yourself. You are an amazing person and so so loved within this community. Over the last few days I’ve had the pleasure of getting closer and closer with you and you’re so amazing. I understand the fear behind seeing your sister but remember that people won’t be focussed on you and you can be yourself as it’s her they’re celebrating. No that doesn’t make it any easier I know… but try and just remember that it’s onlt a day. As Danjo said before. We can turn our “what ifs” into positives and make them as strong as the negative. What if you get on well now now you’ve had time apart? What if the day goes well and you have an amazing time? You are strong. And you are doing something with your life right now. You are helping so many people see their worth and find a safe place to confide in. You are starting on your comic work again which is awesome! Just because these don’t feel like they are significant doesn’t mean they’re not. You are one of the strongest people I know and it’s totally ok that you need some love. We believe in you and we will always be here.

Kayla


#6

Lyss,

If I may, I’m going to extract all of the parts of your post that I want to address in one full swoop.


While reading your post, my heart broke for you. You are so highly thought-of here at HeartSupport. I can speak on behalf of everyone else that, when we think of you, we can only think of kind and positive things to say. So, to see yourself drowned in a sea of lies is troublesome and I want to do anything in my power to help pull you out. It takes “2 to tengo”, though; I can only provide you with the tools in which you’ll need to rewire yourself with. It all starts with positive self-talk. All of those quotes that I pulled from your post - I want you to imagine ripping them up and throwing them away. Now, you have an empty slate. Start adding quotes of truth and kindness. Be gentle with yourself. See yourself with how we all see you - a kind and loving girl who IS good enough. I’m sure you saw my post on a different thread since you commented right below it, but I want to redirect you to my post regarding the story of my friend who was battling against anxiety/depression, and the advice he gave me before leaving for Colorado. I think it’ll help. :slight_smile:


#7

GIRL! You are SO mucb stronger than you can see right now! Don’t you listen to those lies. We all have monents where everything is too much, reaching out for help is strength. I have to learn that too. All these feelings I know too well. You are not a brother. You read me? Please, tell yourself out loud, “I am not a bother.” Just because you help people when you feel as strong as you are and then feel worthless and are attacked by the same monster many of us face DOES not negate the beauty of the life you breathe unto others when you feel strong. No one will EVER say that. If it were me who you had helped and then see you feeling this the first thing I would feel is the integrity it gives the words of healing you have given in the past because they come from a place od knowledge and understand of the monsters we face. Hope that makes sense. You are not worthless, you are not a bother. I hope things with your sister goes well. I’ll tell you though, take it at face value. My sibling is not a great person and I had to accept that as much as I love and care for my sibling they don’t return those feelings and the issue is with them not me. My bf was able to help me see that, so I just hope when you see your sister whatever her treatment of you, remember this, her love (or lack of love) for you DOES NOT dictate your worth.