A Year Ago Today... Changed my Life

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I remember today like it was yesterday… I remember where I was at, what I was feeling, who I was with and how it went down. This has shaped me into the person I am today, and shook my entire world. Suicidal thoughts that forever made me feel alone, stupid, and like I don’t deserve anything but the criticism and hate that I got that night. So let me explain.

I came to my mom with a heavy heart, feeling alone and lost. Mind you this was just a month after my nudes got leaked, and boy did that wreck my world. It made me feel worthless, and I lost every amount of self love I had that day. I walked into the living room, after staring at the bottle of pills in my room, wanting to end it all. Looking at the pills says, this will be the last words I ever say to my parents. I walked in the living room to tell my parents what was going on. I said "Mom… dad… i love you, but I’m suicidal I don’t want to be alive anymore, and I just am scared and I don’t think I can continue on. My mom slapped me across the face and called me a selfish bitch, and that night everything changed.

Rewind to a few months before when I was in the hospital after my dad walked in and found me with a belt around my neck… so now every time we fight and she gets mad at me, she says well why don’t you just go wrap a belt around your neck again… Those words hold so much power, and they’ve been eating me alive for a year.

So now a year later, I still think about this daily. Every time I want to reach out I feel like I can’t, because well I’m selfish… These words my mom told me at such a vulnerable time in my life have rocked my world to say the least. I don’t know what to do! The people who are supposed to love and hurt me the most haven’t been supportive when I need them the most. Mind you when I told my parents at 16 that my cousin sexually assaulted me, they didn’t believe me, and wouldn’t to this day if he didn’t admit. And well right now I need their support more then ever. But when I told them that I was possibly pregnant (by rape) they told me I was a liar, and that if i was pregnant I did it, and was lying about being raped to cover up my mistakes.

Guys I can’t do this anymore, I can’t bear these feelings. The people who are supposed to support me the most hurt me the most. And two of the people who supported me the most I pushed away, because I’m stupid… I’m a bad person… and I hurt them… and for that it’s just a reminder that I don’t deserve love and support. Sorry for the rant!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey

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Im very sorry to hear what you are going through. First off let me say that Basic human value is the capability to love and the RIGHT to be loved. sometimes our choices can hurt not only ourselves but the people around us. Making a bad choice or having someone do something wrong to you doesnt diminish your right to be loved. Nothing can dimish a humans right to be loved as long as there is a tomorrow. with tomorrow comes a new start. a chance to build trust to make good desisions and also the ability to learn from mistakes. and guess what? you will continue to make mistakes throughout life and its ok. it hurts and can be embarrassing but you are not perfect and nobody can expect you to be. Being human is to mess up. the beauty of it lies in the future when all these lessons are learned and you come across that person that was in your same situation and you can reachout to them and love them unconditionally when nobody else will and that is the power to change worlds. so i encourage you to forgive yourself and the people who have hurt you. You have so much value that you dont realize yet and you have the ability to change lives. it is not selfish to reachout that is what we are here for and im so gald that you had the courage to open up. Plz hold fast some days will be fine and others will be storms but somewhere down the road that sun will emerge and shine light and warmth on you. If you can plz let us know that you are ok and reach out agian so that we can do this thing together.

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You are not selfish. You are in a phase called “Survival mode”. You think you’re selfish and it looks selfish to others, but you went through a traumatic experience (more than one). People hurt you (maybe some you didn’t expect to hurt you).

The point is that now is the time to learn and search out what helps you feel good about yourself. Obviously it isn’t your mom. She has resentment towards you and doesn’t register the hurt you have since there is no communication. I personally don’t like the situation because there is no communication and there is no way for those communications to be expressed without hurting each other. (I suggest getting professional help (family therapy)

Yet what concerns me more is that it just isn’t like you can avoid your parents since they’re the triggers. So once again I suggest professional help at least for yourself. (Therapist)

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This must be so hard. Hold on ok? The anniversaries of events are always sooo difficult. But eventually things get better. Thank you for sharing your story.

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I understand how you feel, about the parents and all… my dad did the same thing once I told him I was suicidal. Told me to go out and blow my brains out, or would use anything I said against me. I don’t know what you should do, as I still am dealing with that situation, but I hope that knowing that your not alone helps with the pain. I hope you have a good day

Jason