I remember today like it was yesterday… I remember where I was at, what I was feeling, who I was with and how it went down. This has shaped me into the person I am today, and shook my entire world. Suicidal thoughts that forever made me feel alone, stupid, and like I don’t deserve anything but the criticism and hate that I got that night. So let me explain.
I came to my mom with a heavy heart, feeling alone and lost. Mind you this was just a month after my nudes got leaked, and boy did that wreck my world. It made me feel worthless, and I lost every amount of self love I had that day. I walked into the living room, after staring at the bottle of pills in my room, wanting to end it all. Looking at the pills says, this will be the last words I ever say to my parents. I walked in the living room to tell my parents what was going on. I said "Mom… dad… i love you, but I’m suicidal I don’t want to be alive anymore, and I just am scared and I don’t think I can continue on. My mom slapped me across the face and called me a selfish bitch, and that night everything changed.
Rewind to a few months before when I was in the hospital after my dad walked in and found me with a belt around my neck… so now every time we fight and she gets mad at me, she says well why don’t you just go wrap a belt around your neck again… Those words hold so much power, and they’ve been eating me alive for a year.
So now a year later, I still think about this daily. Every time I want to reach out I feel like I can’t, because well I’m selfish… These words my mom told me at such a vulnerable time in my life have rocked my world to say the least. I don’t know what to do! The people who are supposed to love and hurt me the most haven’t been supportive when I need them the most. Mind you when I told my parents at 16 that my cousin sexually assaulted me, they didn’t believe me, and wouldn’t to this day if he didn’t admit. And well right now I need their support more then ever. But when I told them that I was possibly pregnant (by rape) they told me I was a liar, and that if i was pregnant I did it, and was lying about being raped to cover up my mistakes.
Guys I can’t do this anymore, I can’t bear these feelings. The people who are supposed to support me the most hurt me the most. And two of the people who supported me the most I pushed away, because I’m stupid… I’m a bad person… and I hurt them… and for that it’s just a reminder that I don’t deserve love and support. Sorry for the rant!
Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,