It has been over a year since I was last here. There have been many things to take place and many things that have both been terrible and wonderful.
There’s a few trigger warnings- mentions of suicide and drugs if you’re reading this.
I was in a terrible place. I had spoken about the past abuse and loss of family. I had spoken about what my brother was into.
Last time I was here he had been into a rehab program and then left.
Since then my brother passed from overdosing. So I was at a point where my dad, my mother and now my only sibling have all died. I don’t know how my dad died, I never met him. My mother committed suicide, so I took this all as a sign to make an attempt on my own life and I tried damn hard. Obviously I’m not about to give the details out, but I was told many times I shouldn’t have made it out the other side of it. The moments I felt like I was going to lose myself I felt such immense regret. But what could I do? I didn’t want to be remembered like that, and I didn’t want to be defeated like that.
So why am I here? Because I did make it out. There’s one damn person left from this shit awful situation of being abused and then seeing the people I care about get defeated.
I won. I actually won. I don’t feel great, I don’t think life is a party and the days are all magical, but I’m alive. I nearly let myself never experience that chance.
I remembered this place and all the kind things people said to me. All the support they gave to me.
Thank you for those moments because they probably pulled me through.
I am alive.
