Abandoned and Abused?

Hey guys, this feels weird opening up, but I feel this is a good way to reach out and tell my story. I’ve had a long journey with mental illness and just trying to survive the crazy life I live. A couple years ago my grandma passed away and 5 days later my grandpa did too losing the last of my grandparents. I thought that was hard enough, but it just got worse. At my grandma’s funeral, my dad was having pain and was bleeding when he went to the bathroom. I brought him into the ER that night and we later found a tumor in his bladder. We found out he had stage 4 bladder cancer. We have gone through all the treatments and surgeries and he is doing much better now, but it really took a toll on my mental health. I’m not too familiar with PTSD but I almost feel I have it from this crazy part of my life. People seem to turn away when things get hard because its easier for them, so it is hard to trust people anymore because I’ve had minimal people during this storm. I have undergone a lot of depression recently even more than when that whole situation occurred which I didn’t think it could get worse. This is very hard to even say because I’ve told very few people but whatever, I was sexually assaulted by a friend of mine while I had my boyfriend. I was assaulted by “this friend” and he even continued to text me after. This was terrible because it occurred when I was dating my boyfriend and people spread rumors and believed that I was cheating on my boyfriend with the guy who abused me. Even my best friends believed the rumors that I did this. I was too afraid to tell the truth because no one will believe me, I didn’t stop it because I froze so it is my fault, and I dont know how to forgive myself so I just let everyone believe what they wanted to believe. So, here I am in college for my first year trying to adjust with all the stress and undergoing a lot of depression, abandonment, and guilt. I have had thoughts of suicide multiple times and on the near verge of doing it, but I don’t actually want to. I have many good days where I don’t feel this strain on my life and many bad days where I feel like I am in this very deep and dark hole with no out. I seem to be coping wrong though with partying, going with the wrong crowd, and becoming an alcoholic. I know college a lot of people drink, but I don’t want this to be my out and my future. I have just felt so much abandonment, stress, and depression and I wanna know if theres any fixing of me. <3 thanks for doing this guys, cool to see things like this on the internet.

@DaisyCakes, yeah it always feels weird opening up and being honest here, but it really does help. And I’m sorry about your grandparents. Also don’t give up hope for your dad!
I’m really proud of you, that you’re still here after going through all that crazy stuff. As for this “friend”, I know how it feels to be afraid to say something. But you should. It’s better to fail than not try at all. Someone would’ve believed you because you are worth believing. Don’t let your voice be drowned out, let them know who you are. Forget the mistake, and remember the lesson. Say something.

Everybody copes with different ways, but the way you’re going could ruin your college. Find a hobby, something that interests you, like learning an instrument, photography, drawing, exercising. A way to eat up time and make you proud of yourself.
There’s hope for fixing. If you really want something, you have to fight for it. But believe me, once you set your mind to something and work hard, you can accomplish your goals.
Never give in! :slight_smile:

Hey friend:

Here is a response from my stream from this evening. Sorry about the audio, hopefully i can get it to sound better soon, Hold Fast:


I get that and I want to say something but this depression and weight on me makes it hard to even breath let alone tell someone about what I went through when they may not even believe me and say it’s my fault. The past couple of days has been so rough. I have wanted to crash into something while driving, overdose, something, and I can’t say ive felt that in awhile.
I have been drinking so much to where I don’t remember things. It’s not even at clubs like you said. It’s by myself just trying to forget this crappy life. It’s like I’m spiraling out of control because of these things in my life and I’m worried I’m just gonna keep going down. You guys said to make the steps but I don’t know how. I don’t have anyone in real life right now to help me and to keep me accountable or to go do constructive things. I’m trapped and I’m started to believe this that I cannot be helped.